5 Life Lessons You Only Learn Through Quitting Smoking
One year ago, almost to the day, I quit smoking. Three months after that, I started back up. As I type these words, nine months after that, I'm trying again, wrapping up my first full day of quitting. And, like last time, it is all I can do to stop myself from punching everyone in their softest body parts.
But as I sit here feeling like Nazi Facemelt from Raiders of the Lost Ark, I realize that there are some things that this first, torturous day of quitting can teach a man about life ...
#5. You Can't Expect People to Know What You're Going Through
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Applies To:
Being fired from your job. Coming out of the closet. Giving up anything that people consider trivial, like video games or pornography. Only being able to satisfy eight of the 11 women currently in your bed.
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Hey, not everyone subscribes to the old-fashioned "seen and not heard" philosophy.
If the person you're talking to hasn't done it, they won't get it. And you can't get pissed at them for that.
The Problem:
Ever heard someone in an office announce that they've quit smoking? Or maybe you've done it yourself. It's always met with some polite cheers and a "Good for you, buddy." From an outside, non-addicted eye, that seems like a perfectly normal response, right? It's deserving of praise, but what the hell else can a person say about it? The most they can do is give their version of "I agree with this decision" and get back to pretending they're not playing Minecraft on company time.
So within seconds of your announcement, the world goes back to normal, and you're left feeling a little shorted. This is a big fucking deal, guys. But what we tend to forget while we're waiting for someone to start our celebratory parade is that 72 percent of the U.S. doesn't smoke, and not all of the ones who do have tried to quit. To the rest, your decision to quit smoking is on par with their decision to give up chocolate -- they don't realize you feel like weasels have gnawed on your muscles and then shit in your brain.
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"Oh, don't even get me started! Cheesecake, now there's an addiction! Why ... why do you have that bat?"
Yes, they know what withdrawal is -- we've all been in high school health classes. We've had to attend those boring, mandatory anti-drug rallies. We've all been forced to sit in our underwear and hum Stone Temple Pilots guitar solos while the guidance counselor shot heroin into his eye. But they "know" about withdrawal in the same way that I "know" about pregnancy. That's why I can always pick out the addicts based on their sympathetic response to somebody quitting -- it's like you had just told them that you were donating both of your kidneys to a homeless stranger ("Oh ... wow. Really? Man. Well, good luck"). Forget the polite congratulations; these guys have walked through the pulsating underbelly of hell that you're about to travel. And they know that you will only find hate there.
Why Remembering is Vital:
When you make a change like this -- whether it's smoking, or trying to lose 50 pounds, or changing knife-fighting styles -- your whole world stops for a while. You want the rest of the world to stop with you. After all, when it's a bad habit you're trying to quit, you're used to people giving you shit. Every time we take a smoke break, it's "You know that stuff will kill you. When are you going to quit that nasty habit?" So when we finally do decide to take the plunge, we're expecting a little bit more than an acknowledging nod. It doesn't have to be a blowjob in the middle of a Broadway production. Just something that was at least on par with the enthusiasm they put into their annoying reminders about how unhealthy it is to inhale poison.
That's when you realize that, for the most part, you are on your own. That's hard to take when the nicotine starts to disappear from our systems and everything in the entire world becomes an excuse to smoke again ("I'm getting too angry. I need to smoke to take the edge off. It's for everyone's benefit, not just my own." Or, "Quick, give me a smoke! My nipples are throbbing!"). Anything to get that chemical back into the bloodstream.
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"Businessclown! Throw me your lighter!"
It's those moments of self-pity when the weak-willed say, "Fuck this. If they don't care, then neither do I." And they're right back to smoking as quickly as it takes them to walk to the nearest gas station. You have to lower those expectations, especially when you're trying to cure a bad habit. It's not like building a house or getting a huge tattoo of a winged dick on your back, where you have something to proudly show off later. You're just trying to get back to zero, and people who have never been in negative territory won't get it. And neither do you, when the roles are reversed.
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"No, I tried that. I just wound up smoking them down to lowercase letters."
#4. Your Body Lies to You
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Applies To:
Hunger pangs less than an hour after you've eaten. Stress-related stomach cramps before a big job interview. When you've realized that when the time came, you didn't have to dodge bullets.
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"All I see is blonde, brunette, redh- ah, I'm just fuckin' with you. I see numbers. Nothing but goddamn numbers."
The Problem:
Monday night I stepped outside and smoked my last cigarette. Five minutes after I finished, I started feeling the effects of withdrawal: achy muscles, anxiety, shaky hands, panic. Five minutes. While the nicotine from my last smoke was still fresh in my system.
And it wasn't just an anxiety attack, it was the same exact physical withdrawal I had felt many times before. My brain knew I had made the decision to quit, and in response, it started hitting me with mock withdrawal symptoms before I was being physically deprived of the drug. When it comes to addiction, your brain can be kind of an asshole.
About 10 hours into my first smoke-free day, my legs and knees were killing me. It wasn't unexpected -- one of my biggest problems with past attempts was physical pain in my legs. But it wasn't until this time around that I realized this most likely had very little to do with nicotine withdrawal and everything to do with the fact that I sit in a computer chair for 16 hours a day.
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"I'm sorry, Mr. Cheese, but we just can't figure out what's causing your leg pain. Have you tried not being retarded?"
It turns out that your brain can play all kinds of tricks on you like that. It's the control center for your entire body, after all. If it feels like flipping the "your balls are being dipped in acid" switch, there's not much you can do to stop it. Even if you're a woman.
Why Remembering is Vital:
We tend to trust our body and the physical signals it sends. You need to constantly remind yourself that everything your body sends you, from hunger to exhaustion to anxiety, can turn out to be completely manufactured bullshit.
Remember walking on the train tracks when you were a kid? Playing that game to see who could walk on the rail the longest without falling off? With enough practice, you could even jump from rail to rail without touching the rocks in the middle, right? Now, imagine taking those same tracks and raising them up 1,000 feet into the air. Would you still be able to balance yourself and jump between them?
Everything about what you're physically doing is exactly the same. Your feet haven't changed size. The rails are the same distance apart as they were back on the ground. But because they're now up so high in the air, your mind (rightfully) adds in the element of danger, and suddenly, walking on those rails becomes impossible to anyone with a healthy, normal fear of heights. The activity hasn't changed -- your mind has.
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Sorry, buddy, but you're going to have to just eat shit.
If you can keep that in mind and catch your brain fucking with you, it's a whole lot easier to head it off at the pass and backhand that shit like a 1940s actress. This is why they say that a large part of addiction recovery should involve counseling. Not only are you retraining your mind to wipe out years of repetition and automated response, but you're also teaching it to stop throwing tantrums like a fucking toddler (i.e. giving you symptoms when there actually are none -- "mental withdrawal"). If left unchecked, the mind can keep doing this for quite some time -- my last relapse happened after three months of not touching a single cigarette. Note: In the interest of being fair, I was still on the patch at the time.
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As well as the nicotine ... enhancer.
And let me stop here and remind everybody: This isn't an "If you do these things, you'll succeed at quitting smoking!" article. I've never succeeded in quitting smoking, so anything I say to that effect would be total bullshit speculation. What I can tell you, though, is that all my laps around this track have given me a really good view of where the potholes are.
#3. Your Memory Will Change With Your Mood
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Applies To:
When you're halfway through a project and realize that it's too much of a pain in the ass to finish. Going back to a bad relationship. Breaking a diet. Continuing to watch Adam Sandler movies, hoping they'll be like those dirty CDs he put out 15 years ago.
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SPOILER: They are not.
The Problem:
Let me tell you about something that actually happened to me 10 or so years ago. I was making an attempt to quit drinking because of all the reasons that make sense. Mostly the fact that it was killing me. I told my friends that I had finally had enough, and that this was it. I spread the word like I had just discovered the Lord.
Two weeks later, I got a big tax check, and I immediately bought a case of beer. When my best friend found out, he asked me why I went back to drinking. I told him, "Well, I can afford it now. The problem before was that we never had the money for beer, so every time I bought some, I was putting us further and further into the hole, financially." I remember being taken by total surprise when he asked, "Wait, when the hell did it become about money? That wasn't even an issue when you first told me you were quitting. So when did it go from not being an issue at all to being the sole reason that you quit?"
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The second I sold my mother's kidneys for this fix.
I wasn't lying -- my brain had retroactively rewritten history, changing the terms of the deal so that I would have permission to break it. I quit drinking because it was becoming a major health issue ... but the second I came into some money, I modified the original reason for quitting to "We couldn't afford it." It worked, because now that we had the extra money, I could start drinking again. See how fucked up an addict's mind is? Here's what's worse: We all do it -- although none of us do it consciously. Ever broken up with a guy or girl because they were fucking insane, only to find yourself calling them a month later? "Why, I don't even remember why we broke up!" (Hint: It's because he shaved your mother's name into his pubic hair.)
As you got lonelier and hornier, your reasons for making that life change started to blur and fade.
Why Remembering is Vital:
This one's pretty obvious, right? I mean, do I really have to spell this one out?
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*Sigh*
Actually, to a person addicted to nicotine, yes. Those modifications will come up constantly, and if you're not able to spot them and expose them for the bullshit lies that they are, you will be back to smoking just as fast as I was. Probably telling your disappointed friend something completely fucking stupid like "Well, now that the stray cat is back in the neighborhood, I'm not spending nearly as much on mouse traps and bait. So I can justify the expense. Plus, mice hate secondhand smoke, so it's helping our environment."
Remembering exactly why you quit is so important that most help programs tell you to keep a card with the reason written on it and carry that shit at all times. That way, you can't con your way out of your progress. When you start to have cravings, just pull that fucker out and read it. If it's fresh in your mind, it's that much harder to modify when your brain starts to freak out.
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Gonna need some specifics here, dipshit.
Decided to come back and check if there's an update at the end saying John has relapsed again and am glad to find there isn't one.
ReplyLoved it. Laughed a few times out loud - particularly at the LMFAO song references. Ha. Day 4 for me... Can't wait till I can be on a commuter train and not want to throttle my fellow commuters. Actually that may never happen. Thanks.
ReplyIts really annoying to skim through the comments and see that a lot of the "quitting isn't that hard..." comments marked down. Some people just adapt better to quitting. Does that automatically deserve a thumbs down?
ReplyAfter 17 years of smoking at least a pack a day I quit 17 days ago. It's been six days without nicotine( I was using an E-Cig) and I am going though what they refer to as "quitter's flu" right now. I'm here re reading this article specifically because it stood out to me when I was still trying to psyche myself up to quit. Anyway, for anyone going through this without support I can identify with you. Hang in there, we can do this!
ReplyI've tried to quit twice before. The main withdrawal symptom - which I didn't even realize was a symptom until the second time - was that my trichotillomania (compulsive hairpulling) reared its ugly head, about a thousand times worse than usual. Now, every time I think about quitting the thought is quickly followed by "But I don't want to walk around like some freak alien with no eyelashes or eyebrows." Dumb? Absolutely. Completely legitimate in my head whenever I go too long without my fix? Definitely.
ReplySubstitute a cigarette for something delicious, like a piece of chocolate.
ReplyYou'll get fat, but you won't be smoking, and you can probably surrender chocolate after you are no longer addicted to cigarettes.
Chocolate, a cup of coffee, a pixie stick.
While I've never smoked, the situations on this list sounded like what I went through when my doctor changed my anti-seizure medication. The withdrawal side-effects were driving me crazy for the better part of a month after I took the last dose.
ReplyParty Rockers?
ReplyI registered just to say this: try E-Cigs! They are a modern miracle and mark the beginning of the end for big tobacco corps. I quit smoking immediately with an E-Cig. Let me state I have ZERO willpower. I couldn't even think about quitting without firing up. Now, even being around smokers doesn't bother me at all. Cigarettes are repulsive to me. Yuck! Go to the Electronic Cigarette Forums and do some research. You have to buy high quality stuff or it will not simulate the feeling of smoking. I recommend Smokeless Image, because that is the company I used and I know their products work. You also have to experiment with the different E-Juices to see what you like. After that it costs about $13 bucks a week to maintain. You get to have all the enjoyments of smoking without the cost, smell, or health issues. You can smoke anywhere too. E-Cigs are a f*****g miracle and most people just don't know about them. I only found out recently myself.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThey may work for some people, but they aren't the same. I tried using those, I spent $200 dollars on an e-cigarette that I used for 2 months before I caved and bought real cigarettes again.
I quit smoking on the e-cig too. And Jesus BrendanAtkinson what e-cig cost you 200? My rechargeable one cost 15 bucks, and it's only about 11 bucks every two weeks.
I tried them. Just...no. It tastes like the imitation it is, there's no burning paper, and it basically just isn't the same!
Thank you for writing this. I actually copied it to my hard drive so I can read it every day, even when I'm not on the internet. It's in it's own folder. The last time I tried to quit smoking I put on more than 85 pounds, obesity is as terrifying as smoking. I eventually lost it, but not before I started smoking again. I so know about the bullshit that your brain puts you through. Your article is something I want to keep handy so that when I at last, again, screw my courage to the sticking spot and try to quit once again, it's there as a reminder. Thank you, again.
ReplyI quit cold turkey around 2 years ago... apart from the odd cigar on a special occasion I haven't since. I do still get cravings every now and then but hanging out in a house/car full of smokers is now enough to give me a splitting headache, dry eyes, and the urge to puke. Cold turkey was the only method that worked for me, I got just as hooked on the gum and the antidepressant gave too many side effects.
ReplyDamn. I (except for twice when drinking) haven't smoked since October. And yet this whole article was one long craving.
Reply"That LMFAO song." No. Do NOT make me think of that - Ahhh!! Too late..
Gave up fags (cigarettes) for lent, every second of every day want to pull my own stomach out through my eye socket. This article helps, especially the part about craving smoking before your body even wants it.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesPlus how nobody else gives one single s**t about it. When i was smoking all my co-workers moaned about the handfull of cigarette brakes i took. Now that i've stopped smoking and taking those breaks THEY HAVENT EVEN NOTICED, SO WHY DID THEY COMPLAIN IN THE FIRST PLACE!. I'm not saying i want a medal, but a small medallion type thing might be nice!
They whine about it because they're malicious, disgusting little worms who thrive on creating drama and causing misery.
/smoker
//I'll quit when the stress dies down, I swear!
Haha, I always wondered why people bitched about other people taking smoke breaks. I don't smoke, but I could care less. I always tell the complainers to start smoking, or else, just leave the f*****g office and go stand outside for a few minutes, dumbass! (okay, without the dumbass part). But, I guess I could give less than a f**k about what other people are doing, as long as they aren't bothering me.
Yeah i'm happy to let them stand outside in the cold for two minutes every couple of hours, cause it's oodles of fun! But from their perspective you'd think I was popping over to the Play Boy mansion for week every time i went out for a smoke. But hey they're probably only mostly doin it to annoy me as a joke so ....... they must die!
Ok, I quit smoking cold turkey two years ago and I seriously don't understand what the f**k the big deal is. I decided not to smoke anymore. I threw away my pack of cigarettes. I didn't smoke again. The end. The hell is so hard about it?
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesTHANK YOU. I couldn't even finish this article because I was thinking the same thing. and you know what? People will call us insensitive assholes for saying this. But the simple truth is, you don't deserve praise for quitting something you shouldn't have been doing in the first place. Everyone knows it's a stupid habit. I didn't expect a f*****g pat on the back, or recognition- in fact, I barely mentioned it. My friends kept thinking I'd given up because I didn't whine and b***h about it all the time like so many people seem to think is the way it's done.
If you really want to quit, it's simple. Not easy, but so possible that there's no excuse not to. Doing it for yourself takes away all the unnecessary, petty s**t this article is making out to be important. Addiction is such a trendy topic these days that it's being blown up into something so dramatic. It's not, people. If you truly want to quit drinking, or smoking, or eating unhealthy foods, or being lazy, YOU WILL FIND A WAY. I changed every single one of those habits I just mentioned within the last year. Suck it up already.
From the sounds of things, turtle, you seem like an angry person. You probably just didn't realise you were having withdrawl symptoms whilst you were doing your daily "kick an orphan" session
Not everyone gets insanely addicted to things. At the first college I went to, I smoked like crazy, but had no problems quitting when I decided I'd rather not f**k up my voice or lungs. My mom, on the other hand, is always quitting and starting again and quitting and starting again, convincing herself that each time it's for her health, and there are people who have really horrible withdrawal symptoms. How about you think that maybe our bodies respond to things differently before you expect everyone's experiences to be exactly like yours?
Why yes, as a matter of fact I do get angry when people want sympathy for their lack of responsibility. I know all about addiction. I've seen the inside of rehab and psych wards. I was in AA for three years (but left when I got tired of the whole 'powerless' crap). Addiction is real, and it's hell. Most people give up. But they choose to do that. The biggest reason I get angry is that most people do give up, so the general public message you hear about overcoming addiction is from all the people who don't know anything about overcoming it, just whining and griping about what amounts to their inexperience regarding the subject. You can't have your cake and eat it too. If you're going to choose not to stop, you have no right to bitch. It's that simple. Accept your choice. Now if you're actually quitting and not 'trying to quit' (which is code for saying you don't really want to do it and can't wait to give up at the first excuse), then hell yes you deserve some slack. Read these comments again and take note of how many people gave up but still complain. Unfortunately I have way more than average experience with this subject, and I'm not bragging but it's really very simple: if you want to quit smoking, you have to want to, and you can't 'try'.. god I hate hearing people say that. You know they'll fail when you hear that word. So it hurts to admit you lack proper coping skills, or that someone you care about does. If you want to see progress, deal with it anyway. I was forged in fire through my ordeal and am stronger than ever because of it. The few who have made it through know exactly what I'm talking about, and why I get angry when people swarm these articles with whining. Stop encouraging the addictive behavior.
Some people are very fortunate and don't go through the mental withdrawals. Others want to leap out of their skin. Most people are the latter. You are very lucky.
Smoking fucks with your brain all right...so I decided to f**k back (uh, phrasing?).
ReplyI made quitting smoking a matter of pride and honor, both of which I'm full of (hey! Phrasing!)
And it worked. 6 years smoke free, without the slightest desire (from Day 1) to smoke again.
And yes, I'm now addicted to Archer.
You better call Kenny Loggins. Because you're in the DANGER ZONE!
f**k, I love Archer.
(this comment may show up three times with different wording; I have rewritten it three times).
ReplySomeday, I'm going to give up quitting smoking, because I don't want the future children I'd like to have to associate the warmth of hugs with the aroma of tobacco--just as I did when my dad handed me Slaughterhouse-Five. On that fateful every-addict-has-seen-it Someday, I'm going to jot down a list of my favorite names; Someday, I think, if my old man--my fiancé, also a smoker--and I see the names jump from that list to birth certificates, maybe it'll make sense. Something instinctive's going to have to justify it to my brain, because very little else does at this point. Thanks for writing, Cheese; I can only endeavor to tackle my bad habits Someday, too.
Hats off to you again John :)
ReplyI know you don't read this John, but I'll just say anyway:
ReplyAfter reading this article last week, I started to realize that I embodied many, if not all, of the points you made. I've smoked more than half my life, and though I've tried to quit before, I've never been able to cut it completely. I tried the pills, the gum, the patch, but ultimately found myself making excuses why I needed the "real thing" again. I would quit for months at a time, then get back into the habit like I never missed a puff.
Your article pinpoints the kinds of things we "fiends" say to ourselves, in order to justify getting the momentary pleasure, while ignoring the lasting effects. I've taken the ideas on this page down, and starting to use them to help me along in finally kicking this habit. Thanks in part to you, I am now one week smoke-free.
We're in this together now, Cheese.
But seriously, if I found out you relapsed... I will track you down and punch you in the dick. It's not a joke. I know people.......
It's not the same at all, but when I go through antidepressant withdrawal I just want to yerk all over the place
Replyeh i'm not going to quit because i know i'm going to die before i hit 40 anyway.
ReplyI wonder if you'll feel the same way at 39... ;)