5 Life Lessons from a Former Mean Girl

#2. Cruel Humor Is Lazy Humor

Oli Scarff/Getty Images News/Getty Images

So if you've gotten this far, you probably hate me, or the version of me that I used to be. But guess what, li'l homeys -- we're all bullies now. Only instead of teasing the fat kids, we use social media to tease celebrities, religious people, Walmart customers, and Two and a Half Men. So we're mostly still just making fun of the fat kids, but without the benefit of showing our faces when we do it. Congratulations, everybody! We suck!

I know what you're thinking. Some targets are totally justified, like Chris Brown, for example. Remember that time Twitter comedian Jenny Johnson got him good for being such a loser?

Sorry, but Chris Brown is sick in the head, which makes him too easy a target. In 2012, 65 percent of toddlers' first words were digs at Chris Brown, most of them in the form of tweets. Making fun of Chris Brown is like making fun of a quadriplegic blind man who's also retarded in the retarded sense of the word "retarded." You can do it, but good luck feeling great about yourself afterward.

Think of it this way. You're at a strip club and you want to give the guy a dollar for his sexy moves. You can throw it on the stage, all sloppy like, then run back to your seat and high-five your girlfriends and send a tweet to let everyone know how much fun you're having, or you can do things the hard way. Try to get the dollar in his man panties. It's hard because he's wiggly and his oily skin is getting your dollar slippery and the spotlight is making it hard to see. But if you're going to do the deed, you might as well not take the coward's route. Comedy is the same way.

#1. People Change

In preparing for this column, I asked a few of my Cracked co-workers this question:


Robert Brockway said this, jokingly.

Daniel O'Brien said this, not jokingly.

Soren Bowie is under the impression I make good soup.

But then Robert also said this, which was very nice and is totally not printed out and pasted to my office wall next to the spray-painted words "BROCKWAY (heart heart heart)!"

Everyone else had other things to do than massage my fragile ego with responses to a not very hard question. But that's OK, because I don't need the approval of specifically Adam Brown to know that I outgrew bullyhood. I outgrew bullyhood hard.

The lesson here is that people change and your personality is not set for life. This is crucial information when you're a parent or a human being, because it's so easy to just write off people for jerkiness. Actually, it's not easy, it's lazy. It's like choosing to look at a two-dimensional copy of a picture of someone when the real person is right in front of you. Fortunately, while I was a colossal pain of a student, I also had teachers who looked past the brattiness and nurtured my good parts, but not in a sexually abusive way.

So cheer up, parents of bullies, brats, whiners, and toughies. Your kids might end up like me and Mike Tyson -- reformed. Just don't count on calling your child "The Mike Tyson of the Non-Boxing World," because that's my nickname. I will RIP YOUR GUTS OUT OF YOUR BELLY BUTTON HOLE IF YOU TRY TO STEAL IT.

For evidence of how much Kristi doesn't follow her own advice about lazy comedy, follow her on Twitter.

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Kristi Harrison

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