Cracked Columnists

5 Life Hacks That Can Change an Introvert's Life

#2. Replacement Friends

OK. So you've admitted you're antisocial and find interacting with other people stressful. Wouldn't it be great if it turned out that the problem wasn't with you, but with everyone else in the world?

Marco Malavasi/iStock/Getty Images
It's not, but man wouldn't it be great if it was?

If that were the case, by simply replacing your useless human acquaintances with superior non-human acquaintances you would solve all your problems! And if that sounds insane, well, we're already heading down this road, so buckle the fuck up. Because right now there are already people who are so withdrawn from society that they treat inanimate objects as friends and lovers and even spouses.

Niabot via Wikimedia Commons
Finally, a supportive lover.
-Rim shot, a thousand crickets start booing-

I'll be clear now and state that this isn't something I go in for myself, and that all my pillows are functional only (for regular pillow functions). Although I feel more a sense of empathy for these pillow-loving dudes than a desire to mock them, I can't really contemplate how they got so far gone, or offer any constructive advice on how to bring them back. I guess maybe they should have talked to themselves more?

Ridofranz/iStock/Getty Images
"I'm going to french a pillow today."
-Much delighted laughter-

#1. Replacement Replacement Friends

And, really, once the antisocial start transferring their emotional attachments to inanimate objects, what's to stop them from developing the same tendencies with their new friends? Seriously. How long is it going to be before we hear of people turning away from their pillow-wives because they're too much work to get along with? If the first pillow wedding made you laugh, what will you make of the first pillow divorce? What do you say to comfort the guy who lost half of what he owns to a pillow?

Niabot via Wikimedia Commons
"Hey, sorry about you and Reiko man. One thing, though. Would you feel weird if I called her?"

And who does he turn to next? A smaller pillow? Is it just pillows all the way down? Where do you turn to when the inanimate are too much work? The non-corporeal? Will people start befriending ghosts? The wind? Irrational numbers?

Image Source/Stockbyte/Getty Images
In 30 years, are we all going to be mocking this guy?

For all the potential these new VR systems have for making cool-ass video games, I can guarantee that they will also lead to a creepy future where pasty people with VR helmets imagine themselves sitting in an incredibly well-rendered bedroom with a fictional VR helmet on, and so on down in an ever-deepening spiral of awkwardness. A sad and lonely subcaste that will be ruled and abused by the elite few brave enough to traverse the world exchanging social pleasantries. So if you don't want to rely on a perfect blond person to remember to refill your food and water bowl, I urge you to at least be capable of faking it.

Niabot via Wikimedia Commons
Or at least find yourself a good pillow divorce lawyer.




Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and is avoiding you right now. Communicate with him on Facebook or Twitter, where the sweet buffer of technology can keep you emotionally distant.

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