5 Kids Games Hollywood Hasn't Ruined (Yet)
I have fond memories of my childhood, and yet, somehow the movie studios are just a little fonder. They enjoy reminiscing with me about the things I loved as a boy and even the things I didn't care for but which they insist I loved anyway. In fact, it's rare to see a movie released now that isn't based on a book, comic, cartoon or a show from my adolescence. This personalization of film is flattering but the studios and I both know that a friendship based on memories can't last. Already they are out of good ideas and shamelessly grasping for any last nugget of nostalgia; Battleship the movie is due out in 2012, Candy Land is in development, as is Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, and even the Magic Eight Ball is getting 90 minutes worth of whatever they intend to use in place of plot.
Outlook not so good.
Rather than fight it, I've chosen to embrace the exploitation of my youth. I intend to see it through to the cheerless end, because as I understand it, there's money to be made. I've scraped together five new movie ideas based on games from my childhood, games the film industry accidentally overlooked. I've captured the flavor of each with a plot summary and an excerpt from the script. Let it be known now, if any of these movies ever get made, someone owes me some goddamn money.
#5.
Guess Who (Is Going to Die)?
A jaded, independent cop is forced to team up with an attractive doctor of Behavioral Science to follow the trail of an elusive serial killer. The only clues indicating who the murderer will attack next are written in the physical features of the previous victims. Together, the unlikely pair must race against the clock to uncover the killer's profile through process of elimination before the death toll rises. Will the next victim have red hair? Will he be old? Will he be wearing a hat? The temperature rises as officer and doctor grow closer to the answers ... and closer to one another.
#4.
Bop It (The Streets)
A year after his brother's mysterious murder during an unsanctioned Bop It tournament, a high school senior must delve into the underground world of Bob It culture to uncover the truth. What he finds is a ring of corruption and greed that leads all the way to the head offices of Hasbro. Unable to face the corporate giant alone, he enlists the help of a rag-tag Bop It gang to destabilize the entire institution. Through the journey, he learns the true meaning of brotherhood and simultaneously helps the gang build a Bob It studio for at-risk teens in an urban neighborhood.
#3.
Seven Minutes in Heaven
After living a pious life despite the depravity and temptations that surround him, an aging priest begins to wonder if it was all worth it. God, sensing his doubt, rewards the priest with a seven minute glimpse into the beauty of the afterlife. The old man is allowed carte blanche behind the pearly gates; he can meet anyone he chooses, see anything he wants, and do whatever his heart desires. But once the seven minutes are up, the priest no longer wants to go back. God is forced to launch and all out manhunt across the infinite expanse of heaven to find the fleeing father.
We need these movies to go into production
Reply*cut to sex scene
I want a Hungry Hungry Hippo horror blockbuster to come out. Hippos are already pretty nasty, just add in the suspense that at any given moment a 10 ton river monster with a 90 degree gaping maw and teeth that can crush metal is going to burst through your wall and eat you alive like you were some sort of plastic sphere absent of all color.
ReplyDon't forget the fun horror of also being trapped in a plastic bubble and controlled solely by physics and hyperactive children hitting buttons. Kind of like Saw, if Stephen King wrote it.
I feel slightly ashamed of myself for writing this but I think that Real Steel (Ie. Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robots: The Movie) actually looks like it's going to be pretty good.
ReplyAt least you feel the shame
And surprisingly, it got really good reviews.
Go figure.
PAGE: "Sorry, I meant New Zealand"
ReplyKING: "Ah, well then, just give throw some sheep at them so they get distracted, problem solved!"
I'd watch all of them.
ReplyThe 'Risk' Movie would be Great! Also, 'Stratego' would make a Great Flick.
Reply"You will Tell Us where the Bombs are Hidden"
"I keep Telling You, only the Miners know that!"
In truth 'Stratego' would be epic.
#2 was missing a make-up sex scene.
ReplyAgreed, why stop the sex now?
I (try) to make my own movies. I am currently working on a movie caled "Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Magic Afro." and once I'm done with that, I'm making a movie about Monopoly. It would be like "Money Never Sleeps." Then I would make Risk (due to lack of willing actors, sex scenes will not be included)
Replythe risk one should totaly be made it's got an awesome script
ReplyThis was amazing!! The Game of Life script kind of sounds like how we actually play... Of course, we're not usually sober either. Awesome job!!!
ReplyI love how "Amy" was a character in the Bop-It script. My name's Amy, and I've actually gotten the max score on my Bop-It Extreme several times. I wish it didn't actually cap the score - I could totally get more than 250 and win the tournament!
Replyoh maaan i laughed so hard at the australia part in Risk. too funny.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replieslol Risky risk risk...
Australia is where it's at! Build up there and take over, that's how i always win!
People who build up in Australia usually survive awhile but rarely win. Unless they play against terrible opponents.
XD I nearly pissed myself laughing
ReplyI'd watch the seven minutes in heaven one picture it god looking for one man in heaven that does'nt belong?
ReplyEver since I was little I always thought Risk would make an epic movie, also a long long movie.
ReplyAnd when the evil dictator would start to lose, he'd blame luck and propose a different game, haha
Jesus, there are a lot of typos in this article.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesReally? I didn't see any, but then like a normal person, I wasn't looking.
As an intelligent person, you can't help but notice them if they're there.
I always notice them while Reading, but Seldom Recall them Afterward. Also, I am not a Dick...
Sigh... Hollywood, once the bastion of creativity, is now the repository for the mediums that still have a drop of creativity in them. The only profitable original films this year were Inception and Des**cable Me. Everything else is either a remake, an adaptation, a sequel, or all of the above, and next year only looks worse.
ReplySeriously, Smurfs? Is that a joke? It has to be. Smurfs were lame when they were popular. You know, movie pitchers, if you aren't going to come up with anything new, the 90s were a far better period for animation than the 80s, stop dredging up that old merchandise-driven crap.
But, on the bright side, I would totally watch the Risk movie. I'm envisioning a lot of great tacticians being brought together for a virtual reality/alternate universe "conquer the world with Napoleonic-era troops" game. With full orchestral soundtrack and epic Lord of the Rings-type battles.
And, of course, the winner is the man who hunkered down in Australia.
The Garland wizard of oz was the 3rd or 4th remake of that movie. The Maltese falcon w/ Bogart was a remake.
Remakes aren't new, and the movies we laud for their creativity have stood the test of time. There are plenty of pointless, insipid movies made well before anybody commenting here was born.
That's it. I'm going to convince my friends to act these out.
ReplyExcluding the sex scenes, though, because that would just be awkward.
or awesome
They are not mutually exclusive.
God I loved every word of this article. I also loved how almost every scene cuts to sex. Note to self don't smoke when reading a Soren Bowie article! I swear my throat still burns. But it was totally worth it!
ReplyLook, man. I'm about as lesbian as they come. But godf**kingdammit, Soren Bowie. I want to be on you.
Reply Hide All See All 5 Repliesseconded.
third-ed.
Sex pile!
Is it a taste full sex pile?
Either way I'm in.
No, it's a really horny sex pile! The best kind!
Also, yay lesbians!