So there’s a Swedish man named John David California in the news lately, who is currently being sued by J.D. Salinger. For those of you unfamiliar, this story is notable because Salinger is the Literary Sasquatch: He’s so elusive you could pose children with a cardboard cut-out of him and start a roadside attraction. So what made contemporary literature’s most eminent ninja emerge from the mists of obscurity? It seems Mr. California wrote a sequel to Salinger’s opus work, The Catcher in the Rye… without Salinger’s permission. Some would call this revolutionary, some would call it sacrilege and some would call it uninteresting and largely irrelevant, but regardless of the name with which you dub it, this represents a potential turning point for modern literature: The novel is finally borrowing some moves from film, and it’s about goddamn time. So as long as we’re at it, I thought I’d outline some other ways that the novel can take a page from movies!
Since Mr. California’s already kicked things off, let’s go with his approach first: The biggest problem with novels is those annoying authors who, once penning a masterpiece, cite some bullshit like “creative integrity” and then just ditch the concept after only one measly book. I say why not milk that money shake until the straw makes gurgling noises? And if the author isn’t down for sucking off his creation until money spurts out all over his face, well, why not deal with that shit like Hollywood–where the studio keeps all rights to franchises regardless? What if Coppola didn’t want a sequel to the Godfather? Fuck him, that’s what. The execs would’ve just given it to Stephen Sommers, who’d have promptly rewrote Michael Corleone as a giant sand-shark.
“…all right, your motivation is that you’ve inadvertently lost your soul to corruption, and so now you’re going to bite James Caan in half.”
Sequels are like a license to print small bills just so you can spit on them and throw them at poor people. If publishers take up this practice as well, think of all the great works we could be reading right now! We could be perusing the action-packed Dickensian sequel we’ve all wanted to read, 2 Cities 2 Furious. Or laughing it up to The Retard, the light-hearted follow-up to Dostoyevsky’s The Idiot. Hell, that Swede already called dibs on Catcher in the Rye 2: Rye Harder–if he’s smart enough to throw some titties in there and maybe have Holden Caulfield learn magic from a vampire, he’ll have officially won writing.
Nobody does explosions like big budget films… because nobody fucking tries! Authors sell billions of romance novels by lavishing a truly baroque amount of detail on the head of a penis, yet explosions are just skipped over like a fat kid being picked for dodgeball. Put your skills to work where they’re wanted, novelists. Nobody gives a shit how ethereal the morning dew is, but write us some explosion porn and they’ll name the Pulitzer Prize after you (as opposed to whoever it’s named for now). For example:
“The silo shuddered slightly as the first lick of flame ran up its cool steel exterior. The flickering reflection of the fire played lightly across its visage, the girders moaning deeply in response. Its once firm metal walls buckled in response to the explosion’s increasing pressure, giving outward almost imperceptibly at first, and then expanding–ever faster–until they couldn’t help but burst. A hot shower of steel blossomed in the crisp morning air like a flower blooming at the first touch of sun. The ground rippled in response, as a horse bucks against the controlling pressure of its rider. When it was over, the silo was spent; replete and empty like a newborn babe. Yearning to be rebuilt and filled again and again with more destructible, flammable materials.”
Sexplosion.
See that? I don’t know whether to cum or punch somebody. I feel like I just high-fived an orgasm. You write a whole book of that stuff, and all of a sudden maybe reading’s not just for queers anymore (or especially for queers, depending on your demographic).
This one’s easy: You’ve probably seen Spielberg’s classic horror film, Jaws, right? Have you ever tried watching it on mute? Without his titular theme song, Jaws (that’s the shark’s name) doesn’t look ominous; he looks lost. When seen in utter silence, Jaws isn’t scary. It watches more like the tragic story of a shark with autism just trying to find his way home.
“Have you seen mommy? I WANT MOMMY WANT MOMMY MOAOAOAAAA” -Autistic Jaws
Now, I know books have their limitations and you can’t exactly embed a soundtrack, but there are options. For example, you could just list a song for people to listen to as they read along. Here’s a bit of Shakespeare’s Hamlet with appropriate listening guidelines:
HORATIO
Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince:
<Prince - Pussy Control>
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!
Why does the drum come hither?
Imagine how much more tragic Romeo and Juliet would be if you put on some Evanescence! Teenage girls wouldn’t know whether to masturbate or slit their wrists; you’d sell a billion copies! Or maybe The Gin Blossoms’ “Hey Jealousy,” could kick in every time Iago appears in Othello–that would singlehandedly re-market dark classical tragedy to the Romantic Comedy crowd! Don’t you see? The possibilities are only limited by the moral depths to which you are willing to descend for money!
Listen, don’t repeat this, because I don’t think anybody has fully realized it yet: When you’re writing a book, you can write anybody! Even famous people! Why not throw some celebrity cameos in there? The audience loves that stuff! You could have Mel Gibson appear as Mad Max in The Canterbury Tales. The Road Warrior’s Tale! That’s brilliant! Readers would actually buy that shit again–not just Middle School teachers wanting to punish 13-year-olds by forcing them to decipher 16 different spellings of the word “does.”
An example of how a celebrity cameo could potentially liven up an existing classic:
“These women do prattle so, do they not Mr. Baracus?” Mr. Darcy said, leaning in casual repose against the door.
“Indeed, sir,” replied Mr. Baracus. “They are quite foolish in their way, and I for one do not suffer fools lightly. Actually, it is quite the pity they inspire in me.”
“The pity, sir? For fools? Surely you jest,” responded Darcy jovially.
“Jest I do not, sir. I do indeed pity the fools,” Mr. Baracus replied, trailing off.
A long and serene silence took the pair then, as it often does with gentlemen who, rather than speak idly, do keep their peace comfortably when left alone with one another.
“DRINK MILK, SUCKAS!” Mr. Baracus interjected, to no one in particular.
Slow motion is awesome. Whether you’re walking away from an explosion, or just jumping a school bus over a robot; slow motion makes everything take an appreciably radical amount of time. Now, you could argue that the one thing books have over movies is the pacing: You can always read at your own pace, right?
Well, yeah, but that means you have to do stuff! Fuck that!
A good director does everything for you, leaving absolutely no room for confusion. Good movies have characters sum up, in astoundingly simple terms, the entire plot at the end of the movie. If there’s a twist, it usually takes 20 minutes of montage to show you exactly why it’s a twist, and how. Hell, truly great movies will even have one of the characters say the title of the movie in dialogue, just so you know why a movie is called that, or indeed, simply to remind you of what movie you’re actually watching. So why do we have to do things like mentally pace a scene while reading?
The best director in the world… according to the above criteria.
A good author could take a cue from the movies and draw a passage out in slow motion when something’s particularly awesome. For example, here’s what the Matrix could be like, in novel form:
“Whoa,” said Neo, his black trenchcoat flapping at a perfectly reasonable speed in the wind, “this is the Matrix and I can jumpkick for like a day and a half.”
“Yes,” said Trinity, “I am wearing black leather that makes me look hotter than I actually am, and I too can kick for hours.”
“What’s that? AN AGENT WHO IS A BAD GUY!”
Neo gets a running start towards the sinister agent–who you can tell is sinister because he’s wearing a suit. He takes a step, and then another and another. Now there’s another step. Now it’s only half a step, and he starts to lift off the ground just a little bit. Now he’s kind of in the air but not really. Now he’s more in the air. Now he’s totally in the air and seriously about to kick a guy in the face.
Neo is kicking a guy in the face.
Neo is still kicking a guy in the face.
His trenchcoat is flapping. Flap. Flaaaap. Flaaaaaaaaap.
….Flaaaaaaaaaap.
Now that guy that Neo kicked is flying all around everywhere and it seems way too fast but it’s really just normal speed that you’re not used to right now.
“I love you, Neo,” says Trinity, her leather jumpsuit falling off just a little. Now a lot. Now a little more. Then it’s all the way off and there’s tits.
“Whoa,” Neo responds, then flies away.
The sunglasses are a metaphor for our caged emotions, the coat is a metaphor for our trailing ambition, and the flying is just because flying is awesome.
You can thank me later for saving the written word, English Literature. I accept payment in Gin and hot female grad students who are easily impressed by manifestos about socialism (I googled some stuff). Redheads and Seagram’s, if you’ve got ‘em.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 10th, 2009 at 3:00 am and is filed under Manifesto, Movies, Mr. T, books. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 14th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Redheads and Seagram’s. Classic.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:16 am
@Amelia
Then you’re a terrible novelist! hahaha!
GOODWORKMRBROCKWAYYOUDAMAN!!!!
October 1st, 2009 at 1:15 pm
The sexplosion was possibly one of the best things I’ve ever read.
And I’m a goddamn novelist.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
dsfjkdfjkdfjkdfg Says:
June 26th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
I’m an aspiring novelist. I promise to take your advice to heart.
Not with that spelling you’re not. (see name)
August 14th, 2009 at 4:22 am
Flap. Flaaaap. Flaaaaaaaaap.
….Flaaaaaaaaaap.
(Awesome)
August 10th, 2009 at 12:45 am
Here’s a few stories that have learnt from movies:
http://chris-and-davids-story.webs.com/
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:42 pm
does*
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:42 pm
LOL i gotta say… music doesnt sound like a good idea… like if we could figure out how to make it so that we could flap open the page of a book and make it play music… kinda like in the sound greeting cards… and not make em heavy as shit… thatd be cool. or even jus mention a song. ya teenage girls wouldnt know whether to cry or to slit there wrists… LOL thts so fuckin true
July 25th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
No wonder you write in internet columns instead of actual books, that was horrible, but kind of funny, but still horrible.
I’m surprised that sexplosion pic hasn’t been in some demotivator yet.
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Really funny article, i enjoyed it a lot.
Oh, and Joey? I think you’re on the wrong website. This is a COMEDY site. Ya know, jokes and the like. Maybe you’d be more suited to weatherchannel.com, since they don’t have scarcasm and satire to confuse you with.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
Awesome! Great stuff! And the piece about the silo is actually quality!
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Oh boy. LOL at the guy claiming to have “higher brain capacity” than everyone else here but apparently can’t process the concept of satire.
July 21st, 2009 at 8:34 pm
1) That was a HILARIOUS article. Especially the part about the matrix.
“’Yes,’ said Trinity, ‘I am wearing black leather that makes me look hotter than I actually am, and I too can kick for hours.’
‘What’s that? AN AGENT WHO IS A BAD GUY!’
Neo gets a running start towards the sinister agent–who you can tell is sinister because he’s wearing a suit.”
2) To all of those people who are like “Oh you’re saying that because you’re stupid
and don’t like to read”, it’s a frickin JOKE, people. Obviously no one would really do that.
This is a website that’s all about humor and making fun of stuff. Don’t come here
if you’re going to take stuff to seriously.
July 16th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
That. Was. EPIC!
LMAO!! sexplosions are awesome too.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Family Guy**
July 15th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
“He takes a step, and then another and another. Now there’s another step. Now it’s only half a step, and he starts to lift off the ground just a little bit. Now he’s kind of in the air but not really. Now he’s more in the air. Now he’s totally in the air and seriously about to kick a guy in the face.”
lmao; This sounds like some kind of hi-jinx you would see Peter from family doing. Or either another way for Brian to describe a movie to a blind person. Either way; Very Awesome.
July 14th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
This article was quite entertaining,however, I can’t help but wonder if the author has ever read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies it has everything short of slow-mo and celebrity cameos, I mean it has zombies (of course) and ninjas EFFING NINJAS!!!!!!!!!!
July 13th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Joey… seriously? Go kill yourself… -_-
July 10th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Honestly, as I’m sure many others would agree on thinking of doing themselves, I was prepared to make an account on this site for the sole purpose of congratulating you on perspective well published. This list, along with your 4 craziest Right Wing fears… priceless. And I’m sure I’m not alone in saying “Mazeltov, you’ve made me have to clinch my bladder in a frenzy of laughter and joy”
July 6th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
I was properly laughing out loud by the end of that. Top stuff.
July 6th, 2009 at 5:28 am
I’m glad to see that ‘Cracked’ is still alive and well. I still think Nanny Dickering is hot, and in a celebrity death match, Sylvester P. Smythe would wipe the floor with Alfred E. Neumann! (Cause…y’know…he’s got that mop….;) )
That is all…
p.s…article was ok…;)
July 3rd, 2009 at 3:35 pm
idk what this was but if any authors took this advice i would hate reading even more… if you want more leave it up to hollywood to be creative for the authors. if the authors dont want to write a sequel they probably dont intend for the story to continue. you are one of the dumbest people i have ever read an “article” from.
July 3rd, 2009 at 7:55 am
Please see attached .doc file of the bill from the local ER–which I expect you or your publication to pay–to reattach my ass after I laughed it off.
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:28 am
Will = Fag
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:47 am
If you are seeking a book to measure against Robert Brockway’s kickass criteria, try JOLT, by Roberta M. Roy. Its impetus is an explosion. The love scenes move slowly. References to FEMA, SEMA and the Red Cross serve as references to the famous. For background, try the timeless, passion-filled music of the people of Spain, flamenco.
JOLT is the story of forced immigrants in time forward as they rebuild their lives in a lakeside mountain village set in an imaginary part of the northern USA. To do so they fight radiation sickness, hunger, and cold to emerge at worst, redefined, and at best, happier and stronger.
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:37 am
A big bore, cafeteria “yo dude” humor. Most everything here already exists in fiction today [there are loads of satyrical novels out there], which you all would know if you stupid shits would just turn off the t.v. for a couple of hours.
June 28th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
What a lot of drivel. Aside from the picture of the exploding tits, there was nothing worth absorbing…OK…I did laugh. Twice: once for “Rye Harder,” and once after I nicknamed myself Just Ply Fingers….
June 28th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
The only part i can agree with in this article is the one about explosions. Everything i have read or watched with a sequel that was by popular demand SUCKED. I’m guessing you never even read “Catcher in the rye” either. To the slow motion part, we don’t need to be told at what pace to read at because the people who read usually are smart enough to figure it out. And what’s so special about celebrities? They probably written books about them for the people who wanna read about celebrities. For others, they have better things to worry about. For the music, some people have a good enough imagination and mind to interpret the moods meant to be given. All of you, whom are like the person who wrote this article, will say things such as “reading is gay, it sucks, it’s for queers, you suck, fag”. You only say that because you are jealous that we have a higher brain capacity than that of a thirteen year old boy seeing a girl nude for the first time.
June 26th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
I’m an aspiring novelist. I promise to take your advice to heart.
June 25th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Couldn’t stop laughing at the text following the Sexplosion picture.
Also, you should definitely turn the Matrix into a 3 page novel (with pictures, of course).
Without telling the original producer, of course.
June 19th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
@Keith Camelclies
There’s no way you could’ve possibly thought this wasn’t satirical if you read past, well, three sentences into “The Sequel”. Only way it could’ve been more obvious would’ve been if he’d written it in the title :p
June 19th, 2009 at 4:21 am
[...] From Cracked.com: So there’s a Swedish man named John David California in the news lately, who is currently being [...]
June 17th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Man, if books took your advice I’d totally learn how to read — if, you know, reading wasn’t for fags.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:03 am
@Keith Camelclies
I hope to Christ that was just a lame attempt at irony because otherwise just leave.
@Brockway
I could only read the first two. I was laughing so hard I almost got fired for misuse of company internet.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:08 am
shit
June 15th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
I loved the Pride and Prejudice-part, “Surely you jest, responded Darcy jovially”. I’d like to read some more intricate descriptions of explosions too. Robert’s a genius.
June 15th, 2009 at 4:04 am
Dear CaptainTom,
Emma is an awesome book!
June 14th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
fucking funny was laughing my head off when it came to the neo part. first point not that well written though… loved the “sexplosion” bit. another one of cracked’s hilarious articles.
and heck I don’t care if they write like a teenager trying to win a popularity contest so long as its funny
June 14th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
[...] Writing advice that I intend to take to heart: 5 kickass lessons books could learn from the movies. [...]
June 14th, 2009 at 10:06 am
This article sucked but the slow motion part was funny.
June 14th, 2009 at 5:19 am
Are there are Cracked Authors left who dont write like teenagers trying very hard to win a popularity contest?
June 14th, 2009 at 5:05 am
Did Michael fucking Bay write this article? :/
June 14th, 2009 at 1:48 am
Lee Child has written 12 awesome sequels to his first novel.
Jack Heath has explosions in every single one of his books.
Robert Rankin has used soundtrack at least once.
Bret Easton Ellis often writes celebrity cameos.
Matthew Reilly does slow motion on a regular basis.
Take that, Hollywood!
June 13th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I was going to cut and paste the lines that made me laugh out loud, but there were too many. Hilarious!
June 13th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Recently I found a hot club
– Seekingtall.com –
Just for hot tall gals and guys to find their cupid. Come on, tall singles. Don’t miss your lover.
June 13th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Awesome.
June 13th, 2009 at 1:21 am
[...] 13, 2009 · No Comments 5 Kickass Lessons Books Could Learn from the Movies. #5 The [...]
June 12th, 2009 at 6:44 am
LOL… Flaaaaaaaaaaaap… I once had a thought that if i ever wrote a novel or a comic or whatever, i’d suggest background music per chapter or issue… Guess I wasn’t the only one who thought of this
June 11th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Poor autistic Jaws. I hope he makes it home.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
<–redhead :]
June 11th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Excellent, Brockway! Absolutely hilarious from beginning to end
June 11th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
It’s easy to do slow motion in a book. Just read the words slower than you normally would.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Celebrity cameos have been done. The novel Eeeee Eee Eeee by Tao Lin features appearances by Sean Penn, Elijah Wood, Salman Rushdie, and Wang Kar-Wai (all of whom are killed by homicidal dolphins), among others. And Lin’s upcoming novel will feature a love story between Dakota Fanning and Haley Joel Osment.
Also I wrote a story that has Hayden Panettiere and George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher in it and some other people too.
So it appears you have not done your research, my friend.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Brockaway, someone’s listening to you because we actually have the book “Pride and Prejudice…And Zombies” at bookstores everywhere. And Amazon.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
One book for you, that I’m sure was mentioned in some other list, but I saw it at the book store last month: Pride and Pregudice and Zombies.
June 11th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
“I am wearing black leather that makes me look hotter than I actually am”
this
June 11th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
I would read a book if it had all of the above suggestions in it.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
You are the fucking MAN, Brockway.
You knock Cracked up another level just by writing here. And that is no small feat..
June 11th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I high-five’gasmed
It was too dongtacular
June 11th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
My ribs hurt for laughing. Good show, Sir Puncher of Words.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Pure, unadulterated genius.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Good JOB~
Please check out__ http://WealthyMingle.net _ where you can meet the sexy beauties, wealthy singles and even hot celebs. What are you waiting for? Find your sexy partner NOW!
June 11th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Paragraph with the explosion erotica is when I lost it.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Once again, Cracked proves they know absolutely nothing about the subjects to which they write.
June 11th, 2009 at 11:46 am
dog cocks!
had to get that out of the way. this article = pure gold. keep it up, brockway.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:51 am
quite possibly the worst article ever
June 11th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Awesome, Brockway. Have not read you in a while. That was very funny.
Choke on a cock.
Ho
June 11th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Great article, it was absolutely hilarious fun:) The idea behind it was gold.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:10 am
“I don’t know whether to cum or punch somebody. I feel like I just high-fived an orgasm.”
That’s the funniest fucking thing I think I’ve ever read.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Books have Officially been Brockwayed!
P.S I present Brockwayed to the english lexicon (or again incase im not the first/clever). To Brockway is to cognitivley dismantle any set of parameters or contraints, reform to and subquently deep dick a dripping vajayjay.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:43 am
Uh Brockway? Ever browsed the sci-fi section of a library or bookstore? Sequels make up about 40% of the books in that genre!
June 11th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Says Krowbar: “Uh, dude, I don’t know if zombies can really be counted as “celebrities”, per say, but ThinkGeek has already released a book by the title of”
That’s the book that the party who mentioned “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” was referring to, I’m pretty sure.
Also, it’s “per se.” Latin meaning “by itself.” Honestly, today’s nitpicking geeks are just phoning it in. Or texting it in, I guess.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:20 am
“The reason Don Quixote is so freaking long is that some asshole tried to publish a sequel to the first part, basically to cash in on its popularity. Miguel de Cervantes had to write a second part to the novel just so his name wouldn’t be associated with the trashy book the sequel was.”
Well, it was some other guy’s name associated with the trashy sequel, but it did at least provide Cervantes a good excuse.
There’s a trick in there for movie studios to learn: release a movie, “go viral” with a bunch of unauthorized “fan-made” recuts to boost its viewership, then if the original director is being stubborn about coming back to do a sequel, commission a “fake sequel” starring Bai Ling and Tara Reid with a special guest appearance by Simon Cowell, and directed by Uwe Boll or Michael Bay or M. Night Shyamalan. Then have the original director come back to direct the Official Sequel that at least theoretically blows your “fake sequel” out of the water, and let the punters spend the next three decades arguing about which one should be canon.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:11 am
Uh, dude, I don’t know if zombies can really be counted as “celebrities”, per say, but ThinkGeek has already released a book by the title of “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies”.
Find it here:
http://www.thinkgeek.com/books/scifi/b747/
June 11th, 2009 at 5:23 am
@ Johnny V: I don’t think sequels themselves are bad (depends on how the original movie ended), it is just that so many of them are terrible, but then how many original (not direct sequels) are released and are also terrible. I think it would be best to say that movies in general are being mass-produced and are badly directed trying to appeal to as many people as possible and so finishing up as sort of bland.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:17 am
Hercules - Throne of the gods: After completing his 10 tasks set to him by the gods and exploring modern new York in “Hercules in new York”. Hercules is back this time to take what’s his, the throne of the gods. The action packed, mythic-futuristic sequel is here.
Perseus 2- Gorgon’s return: After defeating Medusa and claiming beautiful Andromeda for his own, Perseus and his faithful Pegasus must now deal with Medusa’s vengeful sisters, however could love blossom in their quest for vengeance?
Jason and the Argonauts, the return- After Jason’s previous adventures he must once again return to the seas this time to fight pirates off the coast of somalia. Featuring Vin Diesel as Hercules, Orlando bloom as Jason, Johnny Depp as Iolaus and Keira Knightley as Atalanta. Can the crew of the Argus save a country from itself . . . . .
June 11th, 2009 at 4:09 am
This, this was…
I look away for what seems an hour, index finger rising to my mouth. My teeth clench the bent knuckle while my eyes stare intently at something… something inside me. My mind searches for a word, a word that will let Brockway know that I enjoyed his article. How to finish a sentence that started out like that? Something was coming… something was building. I am surprised when I lower my hand. The indentations of my teeth are have left depressions in the flesh ah fuck this, i’m too drunk.
… real good.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:24 am
The reason Don Quixote is so freaking long is that some asshole tried to publish a sequel to the first part, basically to cash in on its popularity. Miguel de Cervantes had to write a second part to the novel just so his name wouldn’t be associated with the trashy book the sequel was.
So, literary turning point, maybe not.
June 11th, 2009 at 3:03 am
The description of the explosion was delicious. As payment for all the awesome it induced, a hot redhead is en route to deliver a handle of Seagram’s. Feel free to do what you wish to either or both. (Technically the redhead isn’t a grad student, but she’s easily impressed by something as simple as a cute kitten or a glowstick.)
June 11th, 2009 at 2:25 am
But soundtracks can go wrong…
Blade walked into the vampire dance club. There was a rap song playing which sampled ‘Jungle Boogie’ by Kool & The Gang, but it was really poorly done. Then Blade attacked an important-looking vampire, and a fight scene ensued, accompanied by really bland and generic techno music.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:39 am
Satire is truly most enjoyable when a master is at the pen.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:53 am
Who is the artist that did that Sexplosion picture/painting? That was awesome.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:51 am
Who did that Sexplosion picture/painting/whatever it is. That was awesome!
June 10th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
20,001 Leagues Under The Sea: Balls Deep
The Iliad Goes to Hell by Evil Homer
Gulliver’s Travels 2: Road Trip!
June 10th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
@ Dingus
Ah yes, I remember that now! And he also devoted entire chapters to Huey Lewis and The News and Whitney Houston if I recall correctly…that’s sort of like a soundtrack, isn’t it?
Now for the tie-in movie - you could call it “The Dark American Psycho Begins” with a protagonist named “Patrick Batman”.
June 10th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Matthew Reilly is not to be taken seriously as an author! Just as an entertainer. His latest book is shit. pity. The french shot him dead before he finished it.
PS But Now he’s alive. And angrier than ever. Angry at the french.
June 10th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
sorry, that was to read : Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
June 10th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Pride and Prejudica and Zombies anyone?
June 10th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
“I accept payment in Gin and hot female grad students who are easily impressed by manifestos about socialism (I googled some stuff).”
… awesome.
June 10th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
I’m all for more explosions and slow motion in literature, but you’re way behind on the soundtrack idea. You’d be surprised how well the Devil May Cry soundtracks go with the Wheel of Time books!
June 10th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Brett Easton Ellis had a celebrity cameo in one of his books. Tom Cruise lives in the same building as Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. Patrick runs into him in the elevator and then fucks up the name of Cocktail and says Bartender instead.
June 10th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
The shark’s name is Bruce, bitch. And actually, the detail in the explosion was really interesting, I might actually try to put more effort into actions and the like.
LackingSanity, you’re brilliance is beyond words. I am off to work on 1985: Little Brother, right now. And add in a sexy explosion somewhere.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Robert Rankin has managed most of these things in his books. We have a seven part trilogy, the odd explosion here and there, at least one book with a recommended soundtrack included, a time-travelling Elvis Presley as a hero in one trilogy, and even the occasional slow-mo action scene, with rapidly changing camera angles.
I’m beginning to think Brockway = Rankin. This would be awesome.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
i agree with johnny v. i started to panic while reading this until i realised what he was doing. please dont do that again Brockway. i like your articles, please dont force me to stop reading them
June 10th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Thank God this article is satirical, because those are the worst ideas ever. lol. If you wanted to make a list of the best ways to ruin writing, you could have done it just as easily, if not more so. But that probably wouldn’t have been as funny.
In all seriousness, sequels are killing movies as we know it. I mean sequels to some things are awesome, but sequels (and multiple ones at that) to every single movie that comes out ever are getting to be damn annoying. Same with spin-offs and prequels. People need to just learn when to chill and let a movie be good instead of running it into the ground and then shooting it 215 times “accidentally”.
June 10th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
@ Ennui:
I was wondering who was going to mention Matthew Reilly and his ludicrously over-the-top and hastily-written screenpla…er, novels. Well done.
If there was ever a writer who wanted to be the No. 1 author for the 12-15 y.o. boys or douchebags-in-suits-reading-on-trains-who-think-they’re-edgy-and-cool-cos-they-have-a-novel-in-their-hand demographic, then he’s got it nailed.
PS I read somewhere he drives a De Lorean…tells you everything you need to know, doesn’t it.
PPS and then BANG!
June 10th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
I nailed you… remember… your Birthday?!
June 10th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
i…i….i think i’m in love with you…..
June 10th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Robert I love you and all the other columnists at Cracked, in fact I spend way too much time here because you’re all too funny, but you guys seriously need to learn when to use ‘that’ as opposed to ‘who’ or ‘whom’.
I don’t know why, but it’s been particularly irksome lately, perhaps because it happens multiple times in everything that’s posted these days.
I hope you read this in slow motion while listening to Who Could It Be Now by Men At Work and imagining that Colin Hay is exploding mid-chorus. If you need to pretend I’m actually Colin Hay making a guest appearance in your comments to achieve that, I am willing to make that sacrifice.
June 10th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
FINALLY!!! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=30&sku=E-CD00296
June 10th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
I…
I think I just came.
June 10th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
“The sunglasses are a metaphor for our caged emotions, the coat is a metaphor for our trailing ambition, and the flying is just because flying is awesome.”
Classique!
June 10th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Brockway, this was brilliant as usual. Of course, now we fully expect some book sequels to come out, but I’m sure you can handle that, right?
June 10th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Robert Brockway obviously hasn’t read anything by Matthew Reilly….Explosions, Slow Motion, Sequels; It’s all there and way too kickass for Hollywood to make into a movie. Just start with Ice Station and work your way onwards.
June 10th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
So, Brockway, you just described a bad tween fanfic as being more profitable than current literature.
….you may be on to something there.
June 10th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Man you are a genius. I laughed my ass off this whole article. Well done.
June 10th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
“I think I just high-fived an orgasm!”
BEST…
QUOTE…
EVER!
June 10th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
*Snowball
June 10th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Great article, my applause: Clap. Claap. Claaaaaaaaaap… Claaaaaaaaaaaaaap
June 10th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Man, some of George Orwell’s books are just screaming for a sequel.
Animal Farm 2: Snowbell’s Revenge (featuring J. McClane)
1985: Son of Big Brother (Possibly Big Nephew?)
June 10th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Errr didn’t shadows of the empire have it’s own soundtrack, which would make it probably the first book to have a soundtrack?
June 10th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Without Cracked.com I wouldn’t have found out about
===Mymuslimlove.c om===.
THANKS CRACKED!
June 10th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
I’ve totally read books with celebrity cameos ever read any Douglas Coupland.
June 10th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Lobster Says:
“In Stephenson’s Snow Crash (and Mr. Brockway loses some cred if he indeed has not read that!), there’s a murder at a rap concert, the details interspersed with the lyrics the rapper is singing.”
That’s AWESOME. I’m going to look for that book.
June 10th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Oh this was GREAT! I laughed so hard!
Re #4 EXPLOSIONS: My book HAS an explosion. It has two - one small and one large. And two gunfights and a knife murder. And lots of hot monkey sex.
I’m almost finished. All I need now is a celebrity cameo!
June 10th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
OMG, I just sexploded =)
Good work sir!
June 10th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
so, the whole thing about people writing sequels to novels that don’t belong to them… hmm, if you walk into a library, and go into the overcrowded paperback sci-fi section, that’s all there is… person after person after person basically writing elongated fanfiction of the original novel.
June 10th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Dude, you forgot remakes. They remake films all the time. Ok not all the time. But i mean like batman and … ok i can’t think of any more right now. Hmm. What?
June 10th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Combine the pitying of fools with Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and we’ll have a winner. Forever.
June 10th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
i liked the preference for redheads and seagrams at the end, blondes and tanquere too much for you?
June 10th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
@Danowar: I think the article was kind of sarcastic
Also, this article made me piss myself (figuratively. now slightly less figuratively. now not really figuratively at all. now definitely not figuratively. now theres lots of piss)
June 10th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I had a sexplosion in my pants
June 10th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
I’m sorry, i just have to say this:
I fuckin love reading cracked, cuz I think it’s a kickass website that makes me laugh. and brockway, you make some hilarious articles (especially that last one about the CIA’s LSD experiments), but i have to ask: WHY would you (cracked.com as a whole) waste 5 articles complaining about how bad the terminator sequels were and THEN put out an article that says BOOKS SHOULD DO THE SAME THING??????????? That’s why they do things like cite creative integrity and don’t milk the money shake til the straw makes gurgling noises; because if you do that, before you know it you’ll end up with the literary equivalent of Attack of the Clones. And if you actually WANT that, you probly like to eat live puppies as well.
June 10th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
win.
June 10th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Tell you what, I’ll pretend I didn’t see this and we’ll just forget it ever happened. I won’t tell if you don’t.
June 10th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Well done Brockway, one of your best articles
June 10th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Catcher in the Rye is overrated. Who gives a shit if there’s a sequel. On the other hand, I want that sexplosion picture hanging on my living room wall.
June 10th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Not really “funny” but a good read.
June 10th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
“They are quite foolish in their way, and I for one do not suffer fools lightly. Actually, it is quite the pity they inspire in me.”
best dramatic reading ever
/comic book guyed’
BROCKAWAY RULES!!
this is why i come to cracked.com!!
now go and milk that money shake until the straw makes gurgling noises!!
June 10th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Just because the last comment I left was kinda gay.
Fucking awesome man!
June 10th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Bravo!!! I want more! You sir are brilliant.
Thank you so much for a great read.
June 10th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
“Fast Sofa” came with a soundtrack CD. The book rocked but the CD was a bit of a disappointment. The movie was pretty terrific, though.
June 10th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I like the caption on the last picture the best.
June 10th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Ahhhh, you are fast becoming my favourite, my pet.
Shall I stalk you now, or later?
June 10th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
You make some excellent points. What is wrong with books?
Let me know how the “Sexplosion” works out.
June 10th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
you use your gekiranger snaps so sparingly. i request more furry bullshit!!!
June 10th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Pride & Prejudice feat Mr.T? I’d read that.
June 10th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
This article is hilarious. I was cringing a bit until I got that it was a joke. I can’t believe I didn’t notice that at first.
June 10th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Best Director, Andras, is M. Night Shamalamadingdong.
And “I don’t know whether to cum or punch somebody.” was one of the most hilarious lines I’ve ever read.
June 10th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
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June 10th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
@Andras:
The best director is M. night Shamalan….right?
My god dude…this article is fucking…awesome in evey fucking way.
fuck yeah,redheads are hot. Give this man infinite praise and suck his cock.
“woah”
June 10th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Why am I suddenly reminded of the movie Idiocracy?
June 10th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
It’s kind of terrifying how Mr. Brockway seems to have trouble telling whether someone should be sexually aroused or violently assaulting him/herself or others while reading a book with the proposed improvements…
June 10th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
“The silo shuddered slightly as the first lick of flame ran up its cool steel exterior. The flickering reflection of the fire played lightly across its visage, the girders moaning deeply in response. Its once firm metal walls buckled in response to the explosion’s increasing pressure, giving outward almost imperceptibly at first, and then expanding–ever faster–until they couldn’t help but burst. A hot shower of steel blossomed in the crisp morning air like a flower blooming at the first touch of sun. The ground rippled in response, as a horse bucks against the controlling pressure of its rider. When it was over, the silo was spent; replete and empty like a newborn babe. Yearning to be rebuilt and filled again and again with more destructible, flammable materials.”
At first that gave me a semi, then a full on erection.
At the end, both my penis and silo erupted.
Kickass.
June 10th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
The irony is that the people in the comments section who can’t seem to figure out this is satire (I know, it’s astoundingly subtle when he claims M. Night Shyamalan is the best director in the world) are the exact same people that require a movie’s subtext be read aloud to them by a principle character outright.
It’s painful.
June 10th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Hey,
Can someone tell me who is this “best director” dude? I suck at movies.
Great article BTW.
June 10th, 2009 at 11:39 am
I would have carried on studying English Literature if Jane Austen novels featured Mr. T.
“Emma” wouldn’t have been the most boring book i’ve ever pretended to read in that case
June 10th, 2009 at 11:32 am
LOL. ROTFLOL. LOL.
While most of this has been done with some success, I disagree with Brockaway on which books could be improved by it. I think there are some awesome books that have done all that and some horrid ones too.
That said, I think this is one of Brockaway’s best, and he’s one of my favourites on the whole damn web. Keep it coming dude, keep it coming.
June 10th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Wow, that piece on explosions was sheer literary brilliance. You should make Wong include some of that shit in his next book. Or maybe just reprint JDatE. Again.
On a sidenote, why the hell do I have to provide my name and email when I’m logged in?
June 10th, 2009 at 11:29 am
I feel like I just high-fived an orgasm. Funniest sentence I ever read .
June 10th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Street Shark!
Pride & Prejudice with B.J. Baracus is the best book I ever read.
June 10th, 2009 at 11:09 am
I mean… HAWT!!! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=38&sku=E-CD00415
June 10th, 2009 at 11:01 am
holy shit, the giant sand shark was awesome
June 10th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Seagram’s?
Dude, L2drink. ROFLCOPTER.
New Amsterdam, or Beef Eater if you prefer London dry.
Your mouth will thank me…though your liver may curse my name.
——–
Excellent piece, well worth the read…or should I say [something clever]?
June 10th, 2009 at 10:41 am
How about the Lord of the Rings novels? Sure, there are movies now, but even the books fit:
Sequels: Technically it has no sequels because it’s supposed to be one book in three parts, but who cares? And you could also count The Hobbit and the Silmarillion as prequels if you wanted.
Explosions: Depends on your definition of “explosion,” but I’d say there are.
Music: There were “soundtracks” for the Lord of the Rings before the movies even came out.
Cameos: Do allegorical representations of Biblical and Norse heroes count?
Slow Motion: There are few books slower than the Lord of the Rings. There are entire chapters of walking.
By the way, your Pride and Prejudice thing reminds me of “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.” I’d say that’s one of the closest real-life examples of your formula.
Also, unpublished writers on sites like Fictionpress have been using the “include songs to listen to while reading” thing for quite a while, actually.
June 10th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Anybody hear about that Romeo and Juliet balcony for rent for weddings? Wouldn’t that be a great start to a marriage?
Boy I sure want to get married on the balcony of literatures most famous suicidal love story. http://www.casasugar.com/2936208
Not sure how this relates but maybe theres a sequel in there somewhere
June 10th, 2009 at 10:35 am
I was just talking to my sister yesterday about how vampires should never be described as “sparkling” or “shiny” because vampires are parasites that kill humans by drinking their blood. Neither one of us will have anything to do with “Twilight” or its sequels.
That said, that explosion bit was pretty hot (I apologize for that remark).
June 10th, 2009 at 10:12 am
The explosion pron was priceless.
A little bit of trivia: know who invented the shitty sequel?
Cervantes. That’s Miguel de Cervantes of Don Quixote fame, who basically invented the modern (Western) novel. The “Part Two” of that book which people talk about these days as one novel? It was originally released as “Don Quixote, Part Two.” I’m not even kidding. Look it up.
A little more trivia: know who perfected the shitty sequel?
Beau Sia, who wrote a sequel to “A Night Without Armor” (folk-chick Jewel’s book of shitty poems, remember her?), titled “A Night Without Armor II: The Revenge.” All sequels should basically be subtitled “The Revenge.”
June 10th, 2009 at 10:12 am
See, booksellers have already latched on to the sequel concept… though usually when the author is dead and can’t really protest. Just look at ‘Gone With the Wind’ - great novel about the shattering of the South, with a rather hilarious aping of self-important Southern men while the women quietly roll their eyes. Then you have Scarlett O’Hara: possibly the most selfish, money-grubbing bitch in all of literature.
Now look at the sequel. In ‘Scarlett’, she becomes a proto-feminist complete with a fluffy bunny sensual side, and gets deeply involved in the cause of the liberation of Ireland. It even includes a scene where a Catholic priest gets gunned down in the middle of the street by the villianous Brits, while the woman who was so unfortunately in love with him (cause you know, he’s a priest, so they can’t boink) screams, runs to the body, and gets gunned down herself. Panned shot to show the burning town and the marching soldiers. Oh, and the canny and twee Irish folk decide that Scarlett’s baby is a witch and go to burn her, but Rhett shows up and the family is re-united and rides off into the sunset, leaving the poor stupid Irish to get gunned down in the street some more, but they deserve it for being so incredibly canny and twee.
And Twilight has less depth than a Michael Bay movie and more unhealthy messages about relationships than a film by Nora Ephron. Stephenie Meyer is so lacking in awareness that she thinks Romeo and Juliet is a romantic love story.
June 10th, 2009 at 10:10 am
I am a female grad student who is easily impressed by manifestos about socialism. Just sayin’.
June 10th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Oh my god….this is the funniest article ever!
“I don’t know whether to cum or punch somebody. I feel like I just high-fived an orgasm. You write a whole book of that stuff, and all of a sudden maybe reading’s not just for queers anymore (or especially for queers)”
GENIUS!
June 10th, 2009 at 10:01 am
The description of that explosion was simply awesome. I’m still shocked by the impression. WoW.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:54 am
@ Lobster “Twilight is basically Romeo and Juliet”. HAHAHAHAHA. You are a retard. I usually don’t insult people much over the internet, but that requires sterilisation.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Igfig I hope, for the sake of your very soul, that you know this is a joke, and Brockway, like everyone else, thinks this would be A TERRIBLE IDEA.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:34 am
I submit that, by your criteria Mr. Brockway, Stephanie Meyer is the ultimate writer.
Sequels? Check (too many).
Explosions? In lurid detail!
Musical suggestions? A little Debussy, anyone?
Celebrity Cameos? Check, if she herself counts as a celebrity…
Slow Motion? The entire series reads in painfully slow motion.
So there you go, Brockway. You, with the aid of Stephanie Meyer, killed literature.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:24 am
u do know the matrix originally came in book form right?
June 10th, 2009 at 9:22 am
That number one read like a Terry Goodkind novel.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:20 am
This may have been the best article you have written good sir, the Pride and Prejudice bit with Baracus increased this article to epic status.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Very nice article, sir. Nick Hornby pretty much did the soundtrack thing in _High Fidelity_ back in 1995. So writers are learning.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Dude, this was hilarious. Good work.
June 10th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Rye Harder. Awesome.
June 10th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Sadly, i think the Twilight books have begun to use soundtrack. Maybe not inserted in the text but I know the author released a list of bad music she listened to while writing it. Furthermore, i saw a compilation CD of said music being sold at Borders. So there are definitely some tweens out there reading a book to an emo soundtrack.
June 10th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Genius. I bow to you, Brockway.
June 10th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap! Gold. Cracked should write a novel full of stuff like this. And then make a few sequels.
June 10th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Just to chime in with the “some books do that already” crowd, #4 is pretty much the point of anything by David Weber. His Honor Harrington series, for instance, has pretty much devolved into a question of “how many thirty-metre laser-missiles can we shoot out of this spaceship?”
I think the number is currently around two thousand.
And a good writer can totally do #1. It’s a question of describing the backflip kick in excruciating detail–muscles tensing, the sound of wind in Neo’s ears–and then as soon as he touches the ground, having him kill three or four people in the space of a sentence.
Basically what you did, except with you it was tits.
June 10th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Damn, that was awesome.
Well done, sir.
June 10th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Actually, novels used to do all this by combining with a different entertainment median.
A long, long time ago they would read books over the radio. They included sound effect, explosions, background music, tactful pauses(Slow motion), cameos (The would have celebrities read sometimes) and they would usually focus on series.
And looked what happened to Radio. It became nothing but a mess of music and talk shows except on religious stations which still read books and run radio dramas.
So obviously none of that helps books.
June 10th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Ahaha, that was great Brockway, I nearly cried by the end of it.
June 10th, 2009 at 8:10 am
As far as book soundtracks go, I always have music on when I write and I would definitely put the list of the songs that inspired me in my book. If I ever finish it.
June 10th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Dongtacular!
June 10th, 2009 at 7:42 am
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June 10th, 2009 at 7:40 am
yes i too truly do pity those foolish foo’s!
June 10th, 2009 at 7:34 am
Nope.
June 10th, 2009 at 7:24 am
That fucking rocked! I nearly choked on my lunch! Well done Brockway. :o>
June 10th, 2009 at 7:19 am
awesome article!!!
June 10th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Wow. Clearly someone’s just been reading the wrong books. I need to write an article about awesome action scenes in books that are totally underrated.
Then I will demand to know why English teachers insist on giving us “Sense and Sensibility” when we could be reading the Good Shit.
June 10th, 2009 at 7:07 am
BA-RS:
It wouldn’t be irony, you retard. It would joking through sarcasm. Or lying, whatever you want.
June 10th, 2009 at 7:02 am
A literary masterpiece. Fantastic.
June 10th, 2009 at 6:57 am
Fuck “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,” that shit begs for “Mr.T.” That was the best fake excerpt from a fake novel I’ve ever really read.
June 10th, 2009 at 6:52 am
“I don’t know whether to cum or punch somebody. I feel like I just high-fived an orgasm.” At last, a phrase to sum up my emotional state. Thank you Brockway!
NB: If you are drunk or stupid, caution is advised in the above statement. Cumming on somebody and then punching an orgasm is not such an awesome feeling.
June 10th, 2009 at 6:52 am
I like the idea of a book sound track. Somebody should do that!
June 10th, 2009 at 6:50 am
The first laugh you got out of me was when I mistakenly read
“Miss California wrote a sequel to Salinger’s opus work, The Catcher in the Rye”
I actually think that sequel would be a lot better than the first!
I would also like to point out your explosion excerpt got me a little wet.
June 10th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Wow.
This has got to be the stupidest article I’ve read from Cracked.
I am officially offended.
You should all go fuck yourselves.
June 10th, 2009 at 6:43 am
Please transcribe the entirety of the Matrix trilogy like this. Thank you.
June 10th, 2009 at 6:32 am
One of the most dontacular articles I have read in a long time, well done, Mr. Brockway.
June 10th, 2009 at 6:24 am
Would totally read that crap over again if it had B.A. Baracus in it.
June 10th, 2009 at 6:14 am
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June 10th, 2009 at 6:12 am
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June 10th, 2009 at 6:07 am
[...] Books Could Learn From Movies Jump to comments Posted in: Featured New column up at Cracked, where I single-handedly save the written word (for retards.) Read on for the only Cracked article to reference the Canterbury Tales! What? That [...]
June 10th, 2009 at 5:35 am
The erotic description of the silo explosion was the best reading I’ve had in some time. Thank you for a great laugh!
June 10th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Your principles of writing inspires me… I’m gonna go write that book right now!
June 10th, 2009 at 5:23 am
2 Sound 2 Furious
The Sound and The Fury 3: Charleston drift
June 10th, 2009 at 5:18 am
I’m going to go to Sweden and beat that guy like a cheap whore, and not just because his last name is “Mr.California”
June 10th, 2009 at 5:16 am
People have been writing unofficial sequels to books since there were books. Like the unofficial Don Quixote, which forced the actual author to write the real sequel, full of digs at the unofficial author.
June 10th, 2009 at 5:16 am
In fact, the classics are already a lot like Hollywood movies.
Homer’s Odyssey has a guy sleeping around with hot chicks while on vacation, then when he gets home he murders almost everyone.
In Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, one character calls the Wife of Bath a drunk whore and tells her to shut up.
Romeo & Juliet is basically Twilight.
In Milton’s Paradise Lost there’s a fart joke!
June 10th, 2009 at 5:14 am
All these suggestions are completely retarded.
June 10th, 2009 at 5:12 am
The great thing is, some great novels have already done this stuff. In Stephenson’s Snow Crash (and Mr. Brockway loses some cred if he indeed has not read that!), there’s a murder at a rap concert, the details interspersed with the lyrics the rapper is singing.
And while Pride & Prejudice does not have Mr. T., someone did do a remake with zombies, and that’s pretty good too.
June 10th, 2009 at 5:02 am
I just looked up Catcher in the Rye on IMDB
“This is 75 minutes and 6 seconds of pure blue screen. Nothing less and nothing more. ”
damn, I gotta see that!
June 10th, 2009 at 4:51 am
Sweet. Hollywood films are almost laughable.
June 10th, 2009 at 4:48 am
i like reading does that make me a queer
June 10th, 2009 at 4:45 am
“DRINK MILK SUCKAS” = hilarity
just dongtacular
June 10th, 2009 at 4:38 am
I agree, you should totally write a book this was a wicked article..
June 10th, 2009 at 4:38 am
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June 10th, 2009 at 4:33 am
Flap. Flaaaap. Flaaaaaaaaap.
Love it.
June 10th, 2009 at 4:29 am
“Catcher in the Rye 2: Rye Harder”
Made my freaking day.
June 10th, 2009 at 4:03 am
Good God, Brockway.
Please write a book.
My English Literature coursework will be so dongtacular with your eventual masterpiece.
June 10th, 2009 at 4:00 am
This is a great idea. Someone should rewrite classic novels with movie elements to be more interesting, like “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.”
Oh wait, somebody already did that? Sweet.
June 10th, 2009 at 3:59 am
OMGosh the movies are always so much better! Why is that??
RT
http://www.anonymity.2ya.com
June 10th, 2009 at 3:59 am
Christ, this was a bloody good article. You’ve gone up in my estimations Brockway. I laughed like the manic individual I am.
June 10th, 2009 at 3:54 am
please write it and i’ll shine an erect in your honour
June 10th, 2009 at 3:49 am
All the above has already been done in millions and millions of fanfics.
June 10th, 2009 at 3:45 am
writers have been doing everything on your list since writing was invented. actually before that, since people used to memorize their stories and tell them out loud back before everyone was literate.
June 10th, 2009 at 3:41 am
The name of the mechanical shark used for the filming was Bruce. Officially, the shark in Jaws doesn’t have a name but everyone calls it Jaws anyway.
June 10th, 2009 at 3:37 am
Why a shark with Autism? Why?
June 10th, 2009 at 3:36 am
The shark’s name is Bruce? A technicality that doesn’t add to or detract from the funny in any way, how completely harmless.
At least it’s not ‘FIRST!’
Also, the Mr. T part is the apex of this article.
June 10th, 2009 at 3:36 am
Excellent work of satire, Brockway. I salute you.
June 10th, 2009 at 3:34 am
That was the best version of pride & prejudice i’ve ever read. Please write the rest and i’ll erect a shrine in your honour.
June 10th, 2009 at 3:33 am
I honestly can’t tell whether this is irony or a retard.
I hope to god it’s Irony.
June 10th, 2009 at 3:21 am
The shark’s name is Bruce, dingbat.