#2. "I'll Give You a Tip!!!" (To a Mohel Performing a Circumcision)
OK, now I know some of you (those who hate Jews) get upset any time I mention anything that indicates I'm Jewish. And who can blame you? In the more than 400 pieces of content I've created for this site, I think I've referenced my Judaism like 10 times, so believe me, your comments really hit home as reasonable and not at all like the frothing vitriol of someone who thinks Jews should be grateful they're pretty white and therefore able to pass for being "normal" people if only they'd shut up about being different.
Hey, where did everyone go? I'll get to dick jokes in a second.
But for any of you who are Jewish or have ever been to a Jewish circumcision (called a brit and pronounced "briss"), this is a horrible joke that you will always hear. First some background: In America, at least, the overwhelming majority of babies are circumcised, and if you'd like to have a horrible boring discussion about the health benefits, real or invented, or genital mutilation, or anything else, please go to Reddit and pound your keyboard until you pass out, because that is not the point of this entry. The main difference between circumcisions done by doctors in hospitals and those performed by Jews is that the Jewish ritual is seven days after birth and performed by a mohel who may or may not be a rabbi, but does have official Jewish accreditation for foreskin snipping.
So, without fail, after the mohel does his thing and is getting paid for his services, some dude always says ...
"I'll give you a tip!"
Get it? Well, you actually shouldn't, because it's weird and misleading to refer to the foreskin as the "tip" of the penis, but whatever, that's the joke. In my world, however, upon hearing this joke, the mohel could attempt to circumcise the person making it, regardless of whether that procedure had already been performed.
#1. "Oh, I Guess It's Free!" (To a Cashier When Something Doesn't Have a Price Tag or Won't Scan)
Sometimes items don't have prices. Sometimes scanners are dirty and they don't tell you how much something is. When that happens, look out, because there is always a customer who knows exactly how to turn that minor inconvenience into comedy gold.
You see where I'm going with this? Of course you do. You read the numbered entry. In fact, this article is almost over, so you probably only read the numbered entry and have no idea what I'm saying because by this point your smartphone is balanced on your left knee and you're busy wiping. But in any event, without fail, whenever someone needs a price check, some hilarious dude says ...
"No price? It must be free!"
"Here's another joke of mine: No cooking directions on the box? It must cook itself!!!"
And without fail, the cashier dies a little and says "heh." But what if society didn't dictate the "heh" as the only appropriate response? What if that cashier could say "What?" And the customer would smile sheepishly and repeat his quip about it being free. And then the cashier could say, "I don't get it. Why would it be free? It's just missing a price." Wouldn't that be great? No? Hmm ... what if, instead, the cashier were allowed to tase the customer, place him in storage, and human centipede him to the next two jokers who make the same joke? Yeah, that's better.
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