#2. Saying "Hey, I Didn't Order This!" When Your Check Comes
The fun thing about this list is that if you are a very talented "restaurant comic," you can conceivably use two of these jokes on the same person. So let's set the scene: You started your meal with entry #4, where you made your server feel silly for telling you they were out of pork chops. Then what? Well, I'm guessing you spent the next 40 minutes using the ketchup to make some great blood-based joke or arranged your food in the shape of a face and made it talk while you did silly voices. You were a pretty cool customer, but unfortunately your server really missed some of your best material. Fear not, because even if your server is desperately avoiding you while shivering from third degree douche chills in the kitchen, he or she has to come back to you at least one more time. That's right. They have to give you the check. And when they do, you can say ...
"What? I didn't order this!"
And be sure to make the appropriately horrified face so you can really sell it.
If you're this customer's server, may I suggest you pull up a chair and explain in detail that he has entered an establishment where food is exchanged for money.
"No, no, I know," he'll say.
"But then why are you talking about 'ordering' something that comes as evidence of the amount you owe for what you've already ordered?"
"Well, it was a joke," he'll say.
"A joke? Oh, I see. So in your 'joke' you're playing a pretend game where the check is also like a food item you could order?"
"I guess ..."
"And you're saying you didn't order this, because you don't want to pay it."
"OK," you'll say. "Thank you for explaining that joke to me. I get it now, because it was a check and not food, but you pretended it was sort of like food and, therefore, should have only been brought to you if you had ordered it. OK. Very good."
And that is how you deliver the old reverse douche chill!
#1. Asking for Awesome Absurd Items When Asked "Anything Else I Can Get You?"
David De Lossy/Photodisc/Getty Images
Very often, when you're dealing with a considerate employee, they will do more than the bare minimum. That's why, after they answer your question or bring you your check or provide the service you requested, they'll ask, "Can I get you anything else?" But just because they're being polite and considerate, don't let that stop you from making a shitty joke. It's just too good, y'know? I mean, you can reply ...
"Yeah, a million dollars!" or
"How about a date with a Playboy playmate!" or
"Some functional genitalia!" (if they're Cracked's Felix Clay)
And of course, if a hot waitress is asking the question, then how can you not say ...
"Yeah, how about your phone number."....this joke is actually so overdone that I stuck it in my forthcoming novel just as an example of a character's cringeworthy behavior.
Digital Vision/Photodisc/Getty Images
And then you can watch a little more of her life essence slip away.
It might be tempting to make an easy joke, but you should find a way to make new things sound tempting. Things like not being a humorless clod wasting everyone's time. And don't give me that "Oh, I'm just trying to brighten their day" bullshit. If you really wanted to do that, you'd say, "Nope. I'm all good here. Thank you very much." That works much better.
GLADSTONE'S NOTES FROM THE INTERNET APOCALYPSE IS NOW AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER!
Buy it now, or buy it this Thursday, February 6 at 9pm est during Gladstone's Pre Order Party. Join him and Gentleman Bastard Brendan McGinley along with Maxim editor Nick Leftley, Mancave/Maxim Writer Brian Cullen, and Twitter Phenom/Mancave Writer Maura Chwastyk as they play drinking games with you and get you drunk enough to buy the book!
After experiencing the joy of pre-ordering Book 1 of the trilogy, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter.
Also, you can get all your Internet Apocalypse news here as we count down to release.