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5 Internet Prescribed 'Cleanses' That Made Me Immortal

#2. The Ion Foot Detox Bath

This neat cleanse will allow you to flank the toxins with a surprise attack from your feet. An IonClense bath will cost between $500 and $1000 and it promises to suck all the dirtiness out of your body by way of some ionized water. It utilizes electrical currents to drive all the toxins out and you will know it's working because the water turns brown each time you use it. On my first day of owning one, I used it twenty-two times.

You are never clean.

#1. The Coffee Enema

After a full week of combat you are ready for the secret weapon, the Enola Gay in the battle against impurities, the coffee enema kit. The toxins will set up a stronghold in the worst part of you and you'll need to flush them out. The coffee is imperative to the procedure because the caffeine forces the liver to make bile which pushes the toxins to the small intestines which does something else unquestionably important. Also, note that even if you don't generally take your coffee black, that rule doesn't translate here to the other end, primarily because there's no way to be certain the sugar isn't contaminated and that the milk isn't made of poison. The toxins would love you to slip up like that. It would make their day.

You will never see coffee the same way again.

#0. ER Visit

It's a good idea at the end of your week-long cleanse to get a checkup from a doctor. She will be privately impressed by the cleanliness of your insides but tell you that she is checking to be certain you haven't done any "irreparable damage" to your vital organs. Now, that doctor will also probably tell you that cleanses can be extremely dangerous, particularly when you combine five at a time, but remember that it's all propaganda spilling out of a puppet of western medicine. If that doctor admitted that your cleanse just made you invincible, she would be out of a job. So think that over.

"I hope to see you again soon."

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Soren Bowie

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