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I want to live forever. My superiority in nearly every facet of life feels like a mistake committed by nature and I would be a fool to trade that in. Plus, without me around to regularly remind the world of my achievements, I worry that humanity will forget my name, my contributions to society, my land speed records.

I've given so much.

Fortunately, we live in an age of hyper-health awareness where the potential for immortality is within striking distance. Science has concluded that as long as we are willing to adhere to a strict lifestyle of moderation, healthy eating and constant exercise, then longevity inevitably follows. "But, science," we collectively ask, "what if that sounds hard?" Enter the pseudo-science of cleansing, offering immediate absolution for lifetimes of indulgence. Cleanses promise everything from curing disease to eternal youth in exchange for a week of misery and incessant pooping. None of it has been medically proven but hope and fear are powerful allies and have no patience for wimps like logic. Last week, I ran a field test on five of the most popular cleanses. I did it both in pursuit of my own permanence and because I was contracted for a two-page spread in the spring issue of Guns and Ammo. What makes my study particularly compelling, however, is that I gradually added all five cleanses into a staggered, week-long, no holds barred purification I call:

And now, I gift it to you.

The Master Cleanse

What sounds suspiciously like a synonym for the Final Solution is actually a diet surprisingly diverse in the color of its ingredients. The Master Cleanse consists of lemon juice, water, cayenne pepper and maple syrup and tastes exactly as awful as you would expect it to. You are permitted to drink twelve glasses of the spicy, thick lemonade a day but I allowed myself more to start since I technically threw up the first batch. I can't stress enough how terrible it is. You may have to constantly remind yourself that immortality is on the line.

Everything that's beautiful is difficult.

Oil Pulling

Oil pulling by name alone, may sound like something at which you could show tremendous proficiency. I thought so too. The actual cleanse, however, is more underwhelming in practice; it involves swishing vegetable oil around in your mouth for twenty minutes every morning. Pollutants, as it turns out, love oil more than anything and swim out of your teeth and gums to get to it. Now, you may be apprehensive about the prospect of dragging every awful thing up through your face before expelling it because that seems like the one area you'd want to quarantine. Still, it will ultimately be worth it.

"I'm 47."

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The Liver Cleanse

Here's a neat detox I found online. It involves drinking straight oil to remove gallstones. It also calls for fruit pectin which you'll get from lemon juice in the Master Cleanse. So take that, toxins.

"I'm inside you! I'm inside you!"

The Ion Foot Detox Bath

This neat cleanse will allow you to flank the toxins with a surprise attack from your feet. An IonClense bath will cost between $500 and $1000 and it promises to suck all the dirtiness out of your body by way of some ionized water. It utilizes electrical currents to drive all the toxins out and you will know it's working because the water turns brown each time you use it. On my first day of owning one, I used it twenty-two times.

You are never clean.

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The Coffee Enema

After a full week of combat you are ready for the secret weapon, the Enola Gay in the battle against impurities, the coffee enema kit. The toxins will set up a stronghold in the worst part of you and you'll need to flush them out. The coffee is imperative to the procedure because the caffeine forces the liver to make bile which pushes the toxins to the small intestines which does something else unquestionably important. Also, note that even if you don't generally take your coffee black, that rule doesn't translate here to the other end, primarily because there's no way to be certain the sugar isn't contaminated and that the milk isn't made of poison. The toxins would love you to slip up like that. It would make their day.

You will never see coffee the same way again.

ER Visit

It's a good idea at the end of your week-long cleanse to get a checkup from a doctor. She will be privately impressed by the cleanliness of your insides but tell you that she is checking to be certain you haven't done any "irreparable damage" to your vital organs. Now, that doctor will also probably tell you that cleanses can be extremely dangerous, particularly when you combine five at a time, but remember that it's all propaganda spilling out of a puppet of western medicine. If that doctor admitted that your cleanse just made you invincible, she would be out of a job. So think that over.

"I hope to see you again soon."

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