Question: What's long, hard and full of seamen?
Answer: The set of this Rolling Stones video.
"We will definitely never regret this."
It's cocaine, right? That's what makes grown men who aren't paid to defend our nation from invaders by sea but who still dress up in sailor outfits do what they do, right? Back when Elton John was taking the stage dressed like Donald Duck, he was pounding massive amounts of cocaine up his absurdly abused nostrils.
So, a meeting was called, lines of coke were snorted, somebody said something about the navy, Mick Jagger said "Brilliant!" and, just like that, a video idea was apparently born. Honestly, it beats the alternative, which, whenever Mick Jagger is involved, always runs the risk of being just this for five minutes:
But this inexplicably wardrobed video doesn't just lie back and expect the Stones and a bunch of homoerotic clothing to handle all of the heavy entertainment lifting. At some point, with maybe a minute or so left in the video, this happens ...
That's right, bubbles. Because when you're dressed like that, filling the room with any other milky white liquid would just be crass.
What we have here is truly what music videos used to be and still are today, a promotional tool. This is a nine-minute documentary about the hottest new band of 1979. Their name was Blackjack, and this guy had nothing even resembling a doubt that they'd be the next greatest rock band of all time.
Of course, the law of stereotypes requires him to say that.
The band is made up of three budding superstars named Jimmy, Bruce and Sandy. They all have enough talent to become major stars in the world of music. Oh, and their lead singer gets a passing mention also. His name ... is Michael Bolton.
That's right, the Michael Bolton used to be in a rock band. This is a picture of him dressed like Captain Jack Sparrow decades before the Lonely Island asked him to.
The sea is in his blood.
In this video, after the introduction from that record industry stereotype in the beginning, Michael Bolton and company tear into one of their songs, a little tune called "No Way Am I Watching This Video Again Just to Get the Name of the Song." It's pretty fucking awful, but that certainly doesn't dampen the mood when it comes to Blackjack's prospects for the future. Take this guy, for example ...
You probably recognize him as the man who discovered the band Foreigner in 1977. Or at least he talks about it like you should all have it committed to memory by now. Through his work and nothing else, he was able to make Foreigner the biggest band in the world. And now, on camera, he promised to make Blackjack the ... "Band of Polydor Records"? So, not even the biggest band on Polydor Records? Just "the band" on Polydor Records? Well, that's a step down.
You know, with expert career guidance and support like this, I have a hard time understanding why this band was never huge. Just as I have a hard time understanding why Michael Bolton eventually was.
For more from Adam, check out 6 Musicians Who Predicted Their Own Death in Song and The 6 Most Atrocious Uses of Facial Hair in Music History.