The modern method of receiving news -- a digital fire hose of urine -- makes it nigh impossible to retain any real knowledge of everything that had us waving pitchforks or racing to create pithy memes and GIFs throughout any given year. Politics, tragedies, and scandals aside, here are the things that we really cared about in 2015 ... at least for a 24-hour news cycle.
5MLB Goes Full NSA
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In a scene straight out of War Games/Swordfish/whatever the hot new hacker movie all the young people are talking about is, the St. Louis Cardinals allegedly infiltrated a Houston Astros database ... except not like those movies at all. This was more a result of password ineptness than Def Con-caliber acumen. It turns out that, based on this example, the people in charge of major sports teams are about as tech savvy as your average grandmother.
Basically, it went like this: Jeff Luhnow was an executive with the Cardinals and had access to a program where they stored most of their top-secret baseball information. When he left that team to become the general manager of the Astros, he then got access to that team's similar database. Then someone at his old team thought, "What if he's using the same password that he did here?" Using the very advanced hacking technique of going to a website and typing in a password, the Cardinals suddenly had access to the Astros' "collective baseball knowledge."
No hacking needed for the Marlins' "knowledge."
Info stolen from the database was published online using a personal home computer, making it super simple for law enforcement to quickly find the source of the leak when the fuzz finally came calling.
But why do this in the first place? The Cardinals are one of the more successful teams of the last two decades, and this is the Houston Astros we're talking about here. We're assuming their "collective baseball knowledge" could be summed up in a tweet. According to the New York Times, it may have simply been an attempt to cause public embarrassment to Houston's GM. Instead of that happening, the Cardinals' front office is currently under investigation by both the FBI and the Justice Department, and charges are pending.
4Ariana Grande: Doughnut Licker
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In a move that combined the self-centeredness of classic Lohan with the full-blown social disconnect of LaBeouf, Ariana Grande was caught on camera licking doughnuts from a display case in a California doughnut shop. Doughnuts that she had no intention of buying. That's right, you could have celebrity spit inside you! Figure out a way to sell that on eBay.
And if surreptitiously coating food meant for the consumption of strangers with her germ-filled saliva wasn't stomach-churning enough, she topped off her bizarre act of defiance by stating, "I hate Americans; I hate America."
After TMZ published security footage from the bakery, Grande released a statement offering this explanation:
As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me. We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies. We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should have known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better.
Did ... did she just blame us for the fact that she is a walking public health violation? Look, sweetie, don't call us fat. You were the one in the doughnut shop, unable to stop yourself from licking the ones in front of you while you waited for your own order.