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Reconstructive plastic surgeons are vital members of the medical community, serving the needs of people born with birth defects and those who've been disfigured in car crashes or industrial sausage extruder manglings. The "cosmetic" plastic surgeons serve a purpose too, mostly for aging rich people who want to look younger or teenagers who think the key to true happiness is a more prodigious rack. Though the latter variety may not always be considered a shining embodiment of all things Hippocratic, I assume most practitioners of this highly lucrative profession are at least doing their best not to violate the "do not harm" oath.

But there are apparently some plastic surgeons who are willing, for the right price, to throw all that out the window by agreeing to help their patients achieve the most misguided goal imaginable (outside a straight-up cross-species transitioning procedure): to look like somebody famous. And not just anyone famous, but the most abhorrent examples of celebrity out there. Such as ...

Justin Bieber

Toby Sheldon, a self-described "master songwriter" from Los Angeles, knew since he was a teenager that the aging process just wasn't for him (since growing old means being "saggy and ugly"). And when a case of early-onset male pattern baldness threatened to scuttle his hopes of forever remaining a supple, fresh-faced beauty, he knew it was time to take drastic measures if he wanted to keep the dream alive. So in 2004 he went ahead and got some hair transplants. The procedure failed, so he underwent the process again in 2006. Then again in 2007. And again in 2008, 2010, and 2011.

Hair wasn't the only matter of concern for Sheldon, as he believed the ravages of age were already beginning to visibly take hold on his cherubic, yet-to-see-his-30th-birthday face.

NY Daily News
Whoa! Good thing he didn't let this get out of control!

So next came a string of procedures that included liposuction, face fillers, and lip lifts. But if he truly wanted to realize his personal self-image of youthful, Peter-Pan-like perfectness, he would need some inspiration. A muse, if you will, to guide him as he sought to craft his appearance into the perfect representation of boyish immortality. And he found it in a Canadian idiot who lip syncs to children for a living.

All told, Sheldon has spent over $100,000 on surgeries to resemble Justin "the egg-throwing dipshit" Bieber.

Nailed it!

He even had plans to shave down his skull and jawbone in order to "complete" the Belieberization before doctors wisely told him that he might wind up "looking like a Neanderthal," and also to get lost.

His (I have to think ex) girlfriend's predictable response to these dubious life decisions was "What the hell did you do?!" and, just like everyone who read the first paragraph, she likely assumed that Sheldon might in fact be just a little bit nuts. He does admit to having a "phobia" about aging, and an addiction to plastic surgery seems pretty apparent. But hey, maybe his obsession with looking like the most annoying thing to come out of Ontario since lacrosse is just one of those idiosyncrasies that go along with being a "master songwriter," right?

After all, who are we to judge where an artist might find his inspiration? It's not like we've had Prince committed yet, and he's out there somewhere eating spaghetti with orange juice.

Jennifer Lopez

I have to assume there are a lot of women in the world named Jennifer Lopez, and though some of these poor ladies are surely tired of being constantly heckled and ostracized for a mistaken association with Ben Affleck, there are likely also those who wear the name with pride. One such Jennifer Lopez lives in England, along with her sister, Karen. And both Jennifer and Karen decided to play up the fact that one of them shared a name with the star of Nurses On The Line: The Crash Of Flight 7 by having J-Lo-inspired ass surgery.

Which is better: The British version or the American version?

At the tender age of 15, Jennifer and Karen were somehow allowed to get butt implants, along with boob jobs, liposuction, and rhinoplasty, with the primary goal of achieving a closer resemblance to the star of Anaconda. Since injecting flesh-expanding polymers into children is illegal in the UK for some crazy reason, they had to travel all the way to Cali, Columbia in order to unwrap this rather unorthodox gift from their mother. The original plan was to just get them both breast implants, but when a "package deal" was offered, they knew they'd be fools to pass up on a bargain like that.

Sadly, after a few years, both ladies began to regret their decision to change their bodies to look more like that of a supporting voice actress in Antz, after the alterations they had done to attract attention wound up ... attracting attention:

Who could've seen that coming?

Karen: "My bum is so big now it's kind of a curse because guys in clubs always want to have a feel of it. Even girls want a photo next to it. My body attracts everyone -- I get too much attention and it annoys me."

Jennifer: "Sometimes it's too much. Men beep their horns and whistle at me, even come up and touch my bum. I also get a lot of attention from women. They ask me if my bum is real and if they can touch it. It can be uncomfortable."

"Plus we're forced to do these magazine photo shoots all the time!"

So now these poor women believe that looking like Jennifer Lopez is a "curse." So if there's a moral to this story, maybe it's that if you're persuasive enough to whine your mother into spending tens of thousands on third-world surgery to look like the world's most successful Fly Girl, perhaps you'd be better off putting those abilities to more productive use. Like, say, teaching Ms. Lopez that taking money to sing Marilyn-Monroe-esque birthday serenades to bloodthirsty dictators isn't the smartest career move.

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Jessica Rabbit

Jessica Rabbit, the cartoon wife of the titular character in 1988's Who Framed Roger Rabbit, is quite titular herself, but also a flat-out anatomical impossibility. She's basically a Playboy-airbrushed Rob Liefeld spank sketch come to life. Nonetheless, the fantasy of a pencil-waisted, gargantuanly buxom pinup moll was an equally massive turn-on for countless Generation X'ers. And though it would seem inconceivable that any woman could hope to achieve Jessica Rabbit's signature look without undergoing a horrific, Josef-Mengele-level alteration of their physical properties, a few of them did just that.

An hourglass figure, provided there are like 600 minutes in each hour.

Penny Brown of Australia looked like this before having her boobs surgically boosted to O-cup (not a typo) proportions, while conversely shrinking her waist via the magic of corset-assisted innard strangulation. She claims to have been "obsessed with Jessica Rabbit from a really early age," and although her two-year transformation may not have resulted in her becoming an exact replica of Toontown's jiggliest resident, it seems to be a close enough approximation to make her, her husband, and all the dudes on the remote military base where they live very, very happy.

All surgery costs paid for by the US Army Bureau of Reenlistment.

Wearing a corset for up to 23 hours a day shows remarkable dedication, for sure. Now meet the woman who did that for seven years.

Clearly her hair is not getting enough oxygen.

New Yorker Kelly Lee Dekay has spent the better part of a decade cinching a "restrictive steel-boned tight-laced corset" around her midsection because "Growing up I just loved the exaggeration of styles and the beautiful costumes that comic book characters would wear and that led to the aesthetic that led to tight-lacing." She claims her initial goal wasn't to have a small waist, but to "become a super villain," and that her biggest body image influence was Storm from the X-Men. Now, I'm pretty sure Storm isn't a supervillain, so I can only assume this is just a subtle dig at Halle Berry's acting ability.

She reports that she's "more than satisfied" with her current waist size (which fluctuates between 16 and 18 inches, depending on the rebelliousness of her long-suffering spleen, I'm guessing), and that going any smaller would ruin the perfect "ratio" she's worked so long to achieve. And now that Dekay has reached her goal of having a waist with the circumference of a Foster's can, she's enjoying success as a "fetish model," presumably for people whose "fetish" is jerking off to lactating wasps.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan's dad, Celebrity Rehab star Michael Lohan, isn't the only one of her relatives who occasionally makes their way into the tabloids for one embarrassing reason or another. Her half-sibling, Ashley Horn, also got the paparazzi snapping after it was found that she had undergone a number of cosmetic surgeries. But how the hell is that newsworthy? Well, by her own admission, the reason she did it was to become a doppelganger of her more-famous sister.

Close! Just add a few tequila blossoms and you're there!

Ashley, the "love child" of Michael Lohan's affair with a massage therapist, went on some low-rent talk show a while ago in order to to confront her erratic father about the reality of his paternity. With DNA evidence in hand, she proved her case but stated that she had no real desire to join the family and "become a part of the Lohan train wreck." A sound decision, to be sure, but it didn't take long for the lurid lure of celebrity to take hold, apparently, as Ashley found herself in the limelight once again after reportedly announcing that she had gone through several "Lindsayfication" procedures:

"I've gotten rhinoplasty, a bit of refinement underneath my cheeks and jawline, some fat injected into my chin and some fat injected into my upper cheeks. I'm hotter than Lindsay! I have no problem saying that. My goal was to look like Lindsay in her good days, when she was around 18, 19 years old."

"Awesome idea!" -- Every creepy old dude reading this column.

After her newly-proven father (a battle-tested expert in bad decision making) proclaimed the whole thing to be "stalkerish", Ashley went back on the same talk show to say that she did not, in fact, have plastic surgery to look like her sister. She explained that the media had taken her words out of context, and even passed an absolutely-impossible-to-fool polygraph test.

OK, so somebody's lying here. And while tabloids are obviously and consistently dripping with bullshit, it is kind of hard to take something like "My goal was to look like Lindsay in her good days, when she was around 18, 19 years old" out of context, isn't it? But we can at least learn three important things from this sordid spectacle. And all of them are who gives a shit?

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Kim Kardashian

The Kardashians have made a fortune off their bloated turdcutters, and despite the fact that it's been shown time and again that digital trickery is surely involved, it's largely because of them that women the world over are seeking to capture the mysterious allure that comes with having an alarmingly corpulent ass. Jordan Parke of the UK is but one of many who try their utmost to look like Kim, the most famous member (at least, until recently) of the Kardashian clan. But this fan's attempts to emulate the venerable Mrs. Yeezy go way beyond a mere appreciation of her grotesquely bulbous trouser zeppelins.


Jordan has also appropriated a few of Kim's less-celebrated features, including her sultry cat eyes, pouty lips, and glowing skin. Oh, and Jordan isn't some trendy girl's name. He's a dude. But that's no big deal, right? He has every right to spend his money to look like whatever Kardashian he so chooses. It's just that his particular imitation seems less about "sincere flattery" and more like some elaborate excuse to cover up a severe shellfish allergy.

In the above clip from a standardly vapid British morning show, Parke (who's a hairdresser by trade) claims to have long admired "strong women like Mariah Carey and Katie Price", and that Kim Kardashian was "the ultimate." You might say he skipped over a few "strong women" there, but you have to admit that a transformation into Eleanor Roosevelt may have been too much work and ultimately counterproductive.

So at age 19, he decided to imitate his idol by having his eyebrows tattooed. Two years later, he began the process of making his lips like overly-microwaved knackwurst, then followed that up with a series of Botox injections, cheek, chin, and jawline fillers, microderm abrasion, and whatever the holy fuck Nytox vampire treatments are.

It doesn't matter as long as they make you beautiful.

From all appearances, Parke is quite happy with his look, and he claims that he enjoys all the attention he receives as a result of looking like something out of a catalog for proctologists with a mannequin fetish. Though he admits to having an "addiction" to constantly pumping his lips full of whatever noxious goo that's popular at the moment, he has no regrets. Well, except for the constant leaking that's threatening to deflate said lips and make him "normal and boring."

E. Reid Ross also gives praise to The Lord of the Eeph over at Man Cave Daily. Feel free to follow him on Twitter @ereidross.

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