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The 5 Most Narcissistic Products You Won't Believe Exist

#2. Live-In Mirrors

moodboard/moodboard/Getty Images

Congratulations! You've finally shown who's in charge when it comes to sex, food, and public appearances. It's time to tune things down a bit. Sit back and relax, maybe sip some quality scotch and admire yourself from every reflective surface in the house ...

... wait, crap. This place has barely any reflective surfaces, has it? Like, over 90 percent of its walls and ceiling is covered in boring paint and wallpaper, and no matter how many mirrors and pictures of yourself you keep putting up, they just can't seem to cover it all. This shit will not do. What you need is a mirror house.

Via thisispaper
And maybe a bunch of stones to throw around during bad hair days.

There are quite a few of these things around the globe, just waiting for you to purchase and/or forcibly overtake. Some of them are fairly traditional:

Via Dezeen
The very definition of blending in.

Some are built in motherfucking trees, because once you start building things out of reflective glass, things like sanity and basic logic do little to inhibit your creativity:

Via Enpundit
As a bonus, if you turn off the bird warning system, you'll never have to worry about food again.

Sure, they all claim to use the reflective surface to better "blend in with the nature," but let's face the facts: Clearly, like all mirrors, they're at their best when used to peer at yourself. Still, despite their obvious benefits, there's a glaring flaw in most of these buildings: Sure, they're hot shit when it comes to showing your reflection from every direction while you're outside them, but what can they do for you when you're indoors? Aren't they just the same, boring reflectionless fucks as your current place?

No, they aren't. At least, not for long. Here, friend, have some mirror wallpaper.

You're welcome.

#1. Your Face on Fucking Everything

Via Captured Dimensions

Now that everything is mirrors, it's easy to start thinking you've got everything you need for some serious narcissism. This is inaccurate. Many people who only think they love themselves have stopped here, and have you ever heard of them? Of course you haven't, unless someone has complained about the smell and the cops have barged into their homes, finding them mummified in the middle of their completely reflective bedrooms surrounded by a dozen sex dolls bearing their stupid ogre faces, their digestive systems failed after attempting to subsist on nothing but stupid-ogre-face chocolate.

It's time to take the final step: You must now complement your sublime existence by sticking your face on fucking everything.

Via That's My Face
Fucking everything.

3D printing, which has already come in handy in our quest to help you become the shining example of humanity you clearly are (and yet another warning example to all the false narcissists out there), comes to our rescue once again. There are places on the Internet where you can get your mug attached to pretty much everything. Want a bust of yourself, or 16? Can be done! Five hundred action figures all bearing your admirable features? No problem! And that's just scratching the surface. Here, go nuts and order a bunch of bowl-statues with a skullcap that can be lifted off to reveal your brain:

Via That's My Face
The world will see your cranial capacity and find it lacking.

Or take back some space from all the mirrors (after all, it's not like you can look at all of them at once) and cover a room or six with giant papier-mache you-masks:

Via That's My Face
Yes. Yes. Let the unworthy gaze upon your true form.

Or, shit, just buy a giant 3D printer yourself and make everything you, up to and including the furniture. Order it all. Fill your mirror house to the brim with homages to your life, so that you never ever have to leave again. You're one with the world now, and the world is you. There is no need to leave. There is no need to love. There is only you. Forever.

And if I keep creating enough of these scenarios, maybe future archaeologists will find some of these sites and recoil in horror. Then maybe they'll go back in time and steer you away from your dangerous path of self-admiration. After all, you have better things to worship, because, as the whole future will certainly know, I was the prettiest all along.


Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist, a freelance editor, and totally not in the process of constructing over 5,000 mirror house tombs as we speak. Follow him on Twitter.

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