Psst! You! Yeah, you, the person reading this article. I come bearing ill news: You have been found out. You may as well emerge from your lair of self-aggrandizing Instagram pics and humblebraggart Facebook posts, because we all know the truth: You're a total narcissist.
The good news is that you're not alone. Thanks to social media and other wonderful options for self-promotion that a modern first world citizen has at their disposal, pretty much everyone is a narcissist these days. Your friends, your family, your co-workers, everyone. Hell, despite being an oft-pantsless Internet comedian with headbanger hair and a beard that looks like a fist that didn't listen to medieval masturbation warnings, I myself am often unable to pass a mirror without checking out what to my eyes is "the goods," but to everyone else is "Holy crap, the last awesome picture of this guy must have been taken when he was still a baby."
To be fair, they are fucking correct.
So, now that the cat's out of the bag and busy admiring itself, wouldn't it be time to completely indulge in your full glory? Come, friend, lay off the puny apps and senseless self-shills -- there's a whole world of narcissist-aimed products out there, fully fitted for admiring the perfection that is you.
#5. Fake Paparazzi
Have you ever popped out to grab some toilet paper and a Snickers, only to have your peaceful errand run rudely interrupted by a total lack of intruding photographers? Isn't it just the worst? You keep fighting the situation, you keep running, you even clock a dude Sean Penn-style, but the paparazzi just are not there. It's almost like they don't give a good goddamn about you, just because you technically don't fit society's arbitrary limits of being someone the general populace is somewhat aware of.
At least, that's how the world used to be. Luckily, we live in a glorious era where this, like many other wonderfully me-centric things, can be taken care of with good old-fashioned dough. Yes, I'm saying you can totally hire a bunch of paparazzi to follow you around, documenting your day with their trademark finesse (they'll stalk you like the meal ticket that you are and take snapshots any which way they can).
Even when you're in the bathroom. Especially in the bathroom.
It turns out that shady photographer folks work for money, and if they're not busy hiding in the bushes in case Jennifer Lawrence's dress explodes on her way to her car or whatever, they're all too happy to cut the middleman and accept your check for doing more or less what they'd be doing anyway. Sellsword paparazzi companies offer several different packages, all custom designed to make you feel important enough to be stalked by the worst profession in the world. The options they offer range from stalking your party/wedding guests (who will surely scream in adoration when half a dozen human vermin spread into the fray and spend two hours trying to get upskirt photos of everyone) to the full "rock star" treatment, where they flat-out stalk you around town, waiting for you with their flashes flashin' wherever you show up.
This is their "get enough flashes around you and no one will notice how bad your cosplay game is" package.
And at the end of the day, you'll get the pictures they took for yourself. After all, the paparazzi are moral creatures and certainly won't keep any copies of the more embarrassing ones to themselves on the off chance that you one day make it big.
#4. You Chocolates
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Dinner parties are often problematic for a true narcissist. They tend to include people who aren't you, and who want to speak of things other than you. Sure, you can maximize the attention you get by hosting the party, but this presents another problem: Eventually the conversation is going to drift to the food. Yes, once again, comestibles attempt to steal your thunder, posing and pouting to capture your guests' attentions like the hussies they clearly are. "This mash is delicious," people say. "How did you get that roast to stay so delightfully moist?" "Holy crap, is that a human tooth?" Food, food, all about food.
Well, fuck food. There's a way to steal the limelight right back, and that's by making the food all about you. Remember to not do this by preaching the Eucharist of you, though -- that "bread and wine, body and blood" stuff is only going to end you up in a padded place with little to no mirrors (though if you're lucky, you might wind up with your very own cult).
No, there's no need for any of that, for there is a much more elegant way to feed people the glory of yourself:
Well, I say elegant ...
Yes. Yes. Good. Let your entourage feast with goddamn chocolates shaped like your face, and let them enjoy it. Thanks to 3D printing technology, several companies offer the option of modeling chocolate into the shape of your glorious visage. Granted, the results range from relatively accurate to vaguely unsettling ...
"Hello! Have you heard about Y'Shoggo, our dark lord and savior? We all die for his sins."
... to really unsettling:
"Witness us. Witness us."
Still, who cares? They're chocolates with your face on them, and therefore the best thing in the world. Wait, why is everyone at the table screaming?
#3. Sex Dolls
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Sex. It's just the best, isn't it?
Yes and no! Boning in itself is fine and all, but have you ever thought about what you truly enjoy when it comes to erotic happenstances? Who's the person that is the absolute unbeatable expert on all things that you enjoy? Even those really weird fetishes you try not to think about?
Siri Stafford/Photodisc/Getty Images
Oooohhhh yeahhhh. That hits the spot.
That's right -- it's you! So why are you wasting time lusting after all those inferior people? Sure, evolution is at play here, conniving to keep your attention away from traditional ... um, self-appreciation, and driving you toward what fools call a meaningful sexual relationship, with actual partners and all that jazz.
So why not make sure that your future sex partner is the most attractive person on the planet? By which I mean, just pay a lot of cash for people to craft sex dolls in your likeness.
It's ... it's magnificent.
It's no secret that fully customizable sex dolls have been a thing for a while now. However, many a horny dude looking to create a specific celebrity in latex and oddly ribbed orifices has been disappointed to find out that the manufacturers outright refuse to make screw-mannequins of a specific person's likeness (although they're apparently just fine with fixing you up with a close approximation). The only exception they're willing to make is if the person who's about to be turned into a glorified blow-up doll will give their permission and agree to a fairly intimate full-body scanning process to ensure realistic proportions. Hey, you know who's not in the slightest ashamed of showing their glorious body and would also totally give permission for such a thing? You, that's who! Go nuts, baby, get under the scanner and order the you-doll of your dreams! Hell, order several while you're at it; no need to be a prude, for variety is the spice of life. Just have them stick your face on a whole bunch of fake bodies of all shapes and gender assignations; it's fine, and totally not insane in any way at all.
Even if your new mannequin harem somehow isn't enough and you wind up allowing some inferior other person in the vicinity of your magnificent pelvic area, worry not! Just fix 'em up with an intricate 3D mask of your face, and you can continue to maintain your streak of self-shagging. So go, run to the mountains and hide, for that is your only slim chance to avoid drowning under the veritable buffet of you-themed sexytime the world is going to throw at you from now on.