You ever met someone who seemingly can't help but one-up you all the time during any conversation? If you mention in passing that you took taekwondo, they're a black belt in aikido. If you just bought a car, they bought a time machine. If you just lost your virginity, they actually have it and will give it back to you. There's a bit of a thrill in letting people know the score when you've done something awesome, but there's also the mind-numbing awfulness of being reminded constantly that someone is into something you couldn't give two shits about, even if you had a magical bottomless shit-giving sack.
#5. Vocal Vegans
God willing, I have a nice twist on this, so you can start to slowly untwist your gluten-free, free-range, non-GMO flax panties. I have no problem with veganism. It's great for you and yours. Why would I ever give a shit what another human eats, so long as it's not me? Be vegan, eat this okra. You're a real pimp.
It's giving you five stars. That's how awesome you are.
The issue at hand is not veganism; it's billboard veganism in 2016. No one cares anymore. It's mainstream. If you don't want a burger, just say you don't want a burger. Don't add the laundry list of proteins you're willing to eat as a vegan, and for the love of Pete, never explain why you're a vegan, unless you want me to explain why it takes me a half hour to get out of the bathroom sometimes. Don't see how they're related? Doesn't matter. They aren't; that's the point. It's useless info you don't want or need. Just like veganism in the modern era.
Sadly, some people are still so far up their own asses about being vegan that it's not enough that they just eat veggies. They make you go to vegan restaurants with them. This is pretty close to waterboarding on the list of intolerable awfulness to inflict on another person. Aside from certain steakhouses in the South, nearly every restaurant in the world has a number of vegan options on the menu, and are also willing to accommodate a customer by altering many other menu items.
We call this a "Texas salad."
The idea of a vegan restaurant is becoming prehistoric. What they really want you to do is not eat what you want. Why is a normal restaurant willing to make a vegan dish for a customer, while a vegan restaurant refuses to add meatballs to my meal? It's that smugness. That conformity. It's their way of quietly saying, "I'm in charge of things here now, and you're going to do what I want." Does this attitude stem from many years of being made fun of? Probably. A lot of vegans who are vocal about it have a real chip on their shoulder. A kale chip that is gross and not desirable. But the time has come to just accept that no one gives a shit anymore if you're eating seaweed-encrusted portobello mushroom burgers. Woopity fuckin' doo.
#4. Activist Potheads
Potheads really love being potheads in a way that's hard to wrap your unpotted head around. Some potheads just like to smoke weed and play video games. Bless those potheads. Other potheads -- let's call them activist potheads -- are just slightly less tolerable than guys who piss themselves on the bus. An activist pothead, to better elucidate my issue, is the kind of pothead who has a wall of bongs at home, many of which they have named.
Barack Obonga, Bongye West, James Bong ... there tends to be a theme.
They also have read up on all the literature about why hemp is such a great crop. They have clothes made of hemp and can tell you, in detail, the benefits of hemp rope. This person is a monster. Hemp and pot are not the same, and the pot activist knows this but doesn't care. They still think legalizing one means legalizing the other, and that anyone gives a shit about hemp paper or hemp tea or hemp oil shampoo. No one wants that scuzzy shit.
It's 2016, and pot is fully legal in five states. Now is the time to stop making pot your secret underground taboo hobby which has so many cool uses if only "the man" would realize it. No one gives a fuck about hemp. No one wants ugly hemp clothes, and no one who isn't currently on a boat or choking themselves as they jerk off has ever wanted a rope. No one wants to cook with pot, either. The entire edible market is a throwback to the cool teenage subterfuge of making brownies with a "special" ingredient. In short, no one gives a shit. Smoke your weed and play PlayStation like the rest of us.
#3. Confrontational Atheists
© Mark Poprocki/iStock
There once was a time when Christians walked door to door on the off chance your sin-filled ass had somehow missed the news of the last 2,000 years and was unfamiliar with Christ. They would ask if you had found salvation or something like that, and very little short of puking pea soup on them would make them leave peacefully. And yet that was still less irritating than the need some atheists have to rub everyone's faces in their lack of belief.
Parading your atheism in the rain is what passes for fun in Wisconsin.
Follow Ricky Gervais on Twitter for a few days, and you'll be baffled by his adamant need to mock Christianity (or organized religion in general) as though it were currently in his house pooping in a potted plant. Being an atheist is fine. There's a growing number of them out there, and it's very reasonable. I like to consider myself agnostic, and think that organized religion is a bit silly. And by "silly," I mean "mired in thousands of years of dumbfuckery." But I don't need to keep pointing at churchgoers and laughing like a hyena. Why the fuck do I care what they believe? Some people believe the Earth is flat; I don't have the time to shake my head that much.
The confrontational atheist always attacks from a position of superiority. They base their arguments entirely on the idea they anyone with faith is inherently dumb. Of course, in the real world, a number of very smart people still believe in a god of some kind, because science and faith aren't always at odds.
Shockingly, the best debates aren't usually played out on car bumpers.
The irony of atheism is that it's just as plausible or implausible as theism. "Prove god does exist" is about as confusing as "Prove god doesn't exist." Both require you to do something impossible, and both require you to believe something you can't "honestly" believe because you've obviously got no proof of whatever position you're arguing for. You're basically one of those guys going door to door asking if people have heard the good word about a finite existence and the nothingness that awaits after death.