#2. Public Enemy -- "Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos"
If the Public Enemy classic "Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos" seems like familiar Cracked territory, that's because it was highlighted as being one of the most implausible story raps ever in an article last year. And it totally is. The song is about a guy who goes to prison for dodging the draft. The last time the U.S. had a military draft was 1973, which would mean that Public Enemy front man Chuck D was drafted at the tender young age of 13.
But that doesn't mean it wouldn't make a great movie! The real story being told in the song is one about an elaborate and violent prison break that involves killing corrections officers, starting prison riots and a team of glorified backup dancers known as the "Security of the First World" blowing shit up.
"These berets make us look tough, right?"
An implausible story and shit that explodes. Do you even need to ask who's going to direct this?
The Director Who Would Ruin It: Michael Bay
Of course Michael Bay would direct this shit. The script would call for something to blow up. That's the starting point for every Michael Bay film. Of course, racial politics aren't really his thing, unless you take his staunch support of stereotypical and racially offensive robots into account, which you probably shouldn't.
"... but black robots be standin' like this!"
So, there will have to be some creative liberties taken to make it fit within his strict "nothing makes sense but everything goes boom" aesthetic. Also, in the song Chuck D is freed from prison by a group of people. That will never work. For this to be a Michael Bay disaster, one man will have to break everyone out of prison, preferably at sunset, because everything looks a little more awesome when the sun is going down.
A Proposed Michael Bay Story Line
In the year (Kaboom!) 2073, the Security of the First World is the planet's last line of defense against a one world (Blaow!) government hell bent on enslaving the (Kerpow!) masses. When the group is tried in absentia (Blammo!) and convicted on trumped-up robbery charges, they are apprehended and sent to prison. But not just any prison. It's a prison ... for robots! (Detonation!) And they're not just any robots. They're ... break-dancing robots! Thankfully, one member of the group (the weakest and least useful, naturally) manages to avoid capture. Knowing that the rest of his team will never survive among a prison population of gold-tooth wearing, street gang affiliated machines, he devises a plan with the aid of his unrealistically hot girlfriend (Titties!) to free them ... with a bazooka! (KapowMushroomCloudFireball!) Will his plan be successful? Will the Security of the First World remain locked up forever, thereby dooming mankind to a lifetime of enslavement? Will the obligatory smoking-hot female lead have any discernible acting qualifications that would justify such a high-profile role? Are there Jewish robots also, or just black and regular? Your questions will (mostly) be answered this January when Michael Bay's Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos invades a theater near you! (Explosion!)
Lyrical Spoiler Alerts
"The joint broke, from the black smoke. Then they saw it was rougher than the average bluffer. 53 brothers on the run, and we are gone."
#1. Helen Reddy -- "Angie Baby"
Have you ever heard of Helen Reddy? I assume you haven't, because I had never heard of her, and I fucking know everything. But her single "Angie Baby" is apparently a pretty famous song. Again, I don't know how famous it could be if I wasn't already familiar with it, but still, that's what I'm told. Lack of familiarity aside, after hearing the song, one thing was clear. "Angie Baby" would make for one hell of a movie.
It's the story of a girl who locks herself in her room every night and pretends that the people she hears on the radio are actually in the room with her. Her parents plead with her to stop being such a weirdo and even resort to removing her from school when her crazy-person behavior gets to be too much for the public to tolerate. But come on, she's just sitting in her room listening to music, why is that so bad? Can't her parents just cut her some slack? Ah, but there's a twist! A really stupid, impossible to believe twist. And when an absurd turn of events is what you need, one man comes through like no other. Come on, kids, say it with me!
The Director Who Would Ruin It: M. Night Shyamalan
This song has every element needed for a classically awful M. Night Shyamalan film. Which, of course, means it's mildly creepy and has a super duper stupid ending. In this case, the twist ending is that a when a neighbor boy goes missing, never to be found again, everyone assumes he's dead. But they're wrong! As it turns out, he took a shining to crazy Angie and decided to pay her a visit one day when her irresponsible parents left their mentally deranged child home alone. Bad move, because Angie straight up kidnaps his ass. Not only that, but she keeps him in her room so he can "satisfy her every night." And that's pretty much how it ends. He's her prisoner, and nobody has any clue. So the neighbor of a crazy girl goes missing and the police never bother to ask her about it? Of course not, why would they? And any parent worth their weight in social services paperwork would at least have a look-see around their wacko kid's room every once in awhile, at which point they would have found a strapping young boy chained up in the room, wouldn't they? No, not in whatever world this song is taking place in. Now, if the actual ending to the song is that absurd, just imagine what America's worst director (Uwe Boll is German) can do with it.
A Proposed M. Night Shyamalan Story Line
The residents of a small town are baffled when a local teenage boy goes missing. All eyes are on his neighbor, a strange girl named Angie. Suspicions are heightened when it's learned that Angie dropped out of school and refused to leave her room, starting the exact same day the boy went missing. Some neighbors even swear that the last time they saw him, he was walking up to Angie's front door. But nobody can pin the disappearance on Angie, who continues to barricade herself in her room, listening to the radio nonstop. Meanwhile, a young hotshot FBI agent is sent to the tiny town and tasked with cracking the case. Eventually, after about 75 minutes of insanely dull dialogue and not much else, he makes a "terrifying" discovery. Will his efforts lead to the safe rescue of the missing young man? Will Angie be exonerated, or has the public been right about her along? Is there a reason she won't stop listening to the radio? Is it because the missing young man is ... TRAPPED INSIDE THE RADIO? Wait, it's not that, is it? He's not really trapped inside the radio, is he? That's too stupid for words. Please, tell us he's not trapped inside the radio. He is, though, isn't he? He's in the goddamn radio. The detective probably ends up there, too, right? Trapped inside the radio? Would you care to explain how this happens or would you prefer to leave it at "They're inside the radio"? You really are just going to leave it at that, aren't you? Wow. Just wow. Well, get ready to once again say "Fuck you, M. Night Shyamalan, this is the worst ending ever" when Angie Baby spews its awful all over theaters this February.
Lyrical Spoiler Alerts
"And as she turns the volume down/He's getting smaller with the sound/It seems to pull him off the ground/Toward the radio he's bound never to be found."
Adam hates the movies of M. Night Shyamalan to the point that he frequently cites The Happening as one of the top five comedies of all time. You should be his friend on Facebook and Twitter. He would also like to thank the lovely and talented Diana Cook for letting him steal this idea from her. You should follow her on Twitter, too.
For more from Adam, check out 6 Cheap Acting Tricks That Fool The Academy Every Time and The 15 Most Baffling Boasts in the History of Rap.