Music history is jam packed with great songs that tell amazing stories. But the problem with a song is that, given the compact nature of the format, there's never enough time to really tell a story the way it deserves to be told. Hell, "Stairway to Heaven" is like two hours long, and that still isn't enough time for anyone to figure out exactly what that shit is about. But with that problem comes a solution to another problem. It's been fairly obvious for years now that Hollywood is running short on good film ideas. If that wasn't the case, we wouldn't be staring down the business end of a Bloodsport remake right now. Maybe, instead of rebooting the same franchises every six months and just generally pandering to the lowest common denominator, Hollywood could tap into the nearly limitless supply of great songs just begging to be made into movies. I'll even help get them started right now! Here are five great songs that should be made into movies, and the directors who could try (and almost certainly fail) to make them awesome ...
Kanye West's 2005 hit "Gold Digger" not only is one of his best, but also stands as the only time in music history that the words "featuring Jamie Foxx" weren't attached to something soul-crushingly awful.
The song warns of the dangers that await a man who finds himself in a relationship with a chick who just wants him for his money. With lines like "You can see him on TV any given Sunday, win the Super Bowl and drive off in a Hyundai" and "She supposed to buy your shorty Tyco with your money, she went to the doctor got lipo with your money" littered throughout the song, it's a wonder someone isn't working on a "Gold Digger" screenplay right now. That shit would practically write itself.
The Director Who Would Ruin It: Tyler Perry
I have a theory about Tyler Perry. Just as Kanye West's mostly impressive artistic output (that shitty 808s & Heartbreak album excluded) gives him some leeway to be the raging douchebag that he is, I'm pretty sure Tyler Perry is the nicest man on earth, and nobody has the heart to dish out the necessary tough love to tell him that he's been consistently cranking out some of the most awful films of the past decade. There is simply no other excuse for how all of those Madea movies keep getting made.
She was charged with crimes against entertainment.
It's the exact same line of thinking that allows the hurdles to still be a Special Olympics event. Everyone watching knows that what they're looking at is painfully absurd, but nobody could possibly be mean enough to step in and put a stop to it. OK, that was bad, and I'm sorry. The mentally handicapped have done nothing to justify something as cruel as being compared to Tyler Perry movies. But anyway, if we're talking about a film that's likely to be geared toward a black audience, there's an excellent chance it will fall into Tyler Perry's hands.
A Proposed Tyler Perry Story Line
"Mo' money, mo' problems" becomes "Mo' money, HO problems" when three Atlanta-based buppies learn the hard way that the ample dating opportunities that come with being young and rich aren't necessarily a good thing. In an effort to inject some much needed lightheartedness into a family reunion, the men arrive dressed as women. When they realize their disguises have managed to fool everyone in the room, they take their covertness as an opportunity to partake in some undercover tomfoolery by spying on their respective girlfriends to find out what kind of things women talk about when the men aren't around. What they find is that the women they love are a pack of gold-digging skanks. Hilarity ensues as the trio deals with this unwelcome knowledge in a variety of ways (most of which involve more cross-dressing). Will they ever get revenge on the women they thought they loved? Will they find something in their broken relationships that make them worth salvaging? Is that kid really his? Can we please see Tyler Perry in a dress again? Find out the answers to those questions and more when Tyler Perry's Gold Digger hits theaters this Christmas!
Lyrical Spoiler Alerts
"I don't care what none of y'all say, I still love her."
"18 years, 18 years, and on her 18th birthday he found out it wasn't his."
"You stay right, girl, and when you get on he leave your ass for a white girl."
It's likely that the name Rupert Holmes means nothing to you. He's easily the most forgettable one-hit wonder of all time. Just look at the guy. That's not the face of a rock star. That's the face of a man whose only course in life should be a major in furniture sales with a minor in inappropriate touching. But even if you don't know the face, you probably know the following lyrics:
Right, you know the song. Here's the video, in case you're wondering what the rock star studs your parents partied to in the 1970s looked like when the bright stage lights hit their adorable tinted glasses.
"Escape" tells the story of a man who's grown tired of his lady. To rectify his unhappiness, he takes to the personals section of his local newspaper (the '70s equivalent of browsing for hookers on Craigslist) and reads a letter from a woman who seems to be the girl of his dreams, making special note of their shared disdain for yoga. Apparently, being into yoga was a flaw on par with having genital warts in the 1970s.
This is no way to attract a man.
The two agree to meet up at the optimum boning hour of noon the next day. But there's one problem: The chick who placed that personal ad turns out to be the very same broad he was so unhappy with in the first place. Hello, twist ending! Why aren't you in a movie yet?
The Director Who Would Ruin It: Garry Marshall
If you aren't familiar with the films of Garry Marshall, congratulations. You've done a great job avoiding a whole bunch of awful. The rest of you will know him as the director of just about every massively successful chick flick of the past three decades. Just reading his list of directing credits is enough to make a man spontaneously sprout a vagina (you can read it too, ladies, having a spare couldn't hurt) ...
Sure, there are some "classics" on that list (like Pretty Woman, I guess), but for the most part, this guy plays to one audience and one audience only ... the easily entertained. But if "Escape" is going to be a Garry Marshall film, one thing will definitely have to change. In the song, both the man and the woman are on the prowl. No way is a Garry Marshall film going to feature a woman who is anything less than perfect. Chicks don't dig that. At least not the dullards who make his films successful.
A Proposed Garry Marshall Story Line
A young woman living in New York City fears that the man she loves is growing distant. Not willing to let the relationship die without a fight, she tries everything in her power to make things better. But nothing seems to work! Her idea to take up yoga to tighten up her already impressive body falls flat when she finds that her man is the one guy on the planet who is repulsed at the sight of a woman in yoga pants. Even her plan to stay up until midnight when her guy usually goes to bed so they can make passionate love fails when she realizes that he only stays up late so he can pound a bottomless stream of tropical drinks, thus rendering him too inebriated to perform. And worst of all, he blames her for all of this!
Things finally reach a breaking point when she discovers that he's been communicating with other women online, claiming to be in search of "the one." Despite her friends' pleas to leave that jerk behind, she remains committed to making the relationship work. In a last ditch attempt to make things right, she sets up a fake dating profile posing as the woman of her jerk-of-a-man's dreams and tricks him into meeting her for drinks. How will he react when he realizes that the "new" woman he thought he was meeting turns out to be the some old gal he's been living with for the past year? Will her shenanigans rekindle their romance? Will he write her off as the clingy stalker that she secretly is and end things for good? Check out Escape: The Pina Colada Movie in theaters this summer and find out!
Lyrical Spoiler Alerts
"So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place. I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face. It was my own lovely lady, and she said, 'Oh, it's you.' And we laughed for a moment, and I said, 'I never knew' ..."
There's nothing Hollywood loves more than a historical drama, and Neil Young's 1975 epic "Cortez the Killer" would make a great one. This seven-minute-long tune takes about four minutes longer than it should to tell the tale of Spanish conquistador Hernan Cortes, who conquered Mexico for Spain in the 16th century. Yeah! Rock and roll!
The story is told from the third person until the final verse, where it switches to a first-person narrative with the line "And I know she's living there, and she loves me to this day." Before that moment, the song is all about death and destruction. So, we have a ridiculously long song filled to the brim with epic violence and a little bit of a love story thrown in on the side. This can be a job for one man and one man only.
The Director Who Would Ruin It: James Cameron
According to calculations that I haven't done and wouldn't even know how to if I cared, a seven-minute song when adapted for the big screen should be just over three hours long. And nobody has the market on needlessly long films cornered quite like James Cameron. The "lots of violence mixed with a little romance" flow of "Cortez the Killer" is exactly his type of party. There would be one minor tweak, of course. Anyone who has actually had the patience to sit through Titanic or Avatar knows two things would come from his adaptation of "Cortez the Killer." First, the trailer will make it seem like the most epic war saga of all time. Just three solid hours of bloodshed and fury. Second, it will be revealed that the trailer is a lie and the film is actually a 2.5-hour love story with 20 minutes of action tossed in at the end.
A Proposed James Cameron Story Line
The utopian society that Aztec ruler Moctezuma II helped build is threatened when Spanish conquistador Hernan Cortes literally dances across the water (the special effects have to come from somewhere) with designs on conquering Mexico for his native Spain. While a fierce battle rages somewhere off camera, a young Aztec man who has jack shit to do with the events unfolding around him falls in love with a young woman with a nearly unpronounceable name who arrived with Cortes. But their unfortunate positioning as combatants on differing sides of a fight to the death means their love must be kept a secret (and that they're both traitorous assholes). Will their undying love overcome their starkly differing backgrounds? Will the Aztecs hold their ground against the mighty Cortes, or will their society be destroyed? Is anyone ever going to cut somebody's fucking head off, or are these two just going to make out the entire time? The answers await when literally a bajillion people flock to theaters this July to see James Cameron's Cortez the Killer.
Lyrical Spoiler Alerts
"He came dancing across the water, with his galleons and guns."
"On the shore lay Moctezuma, with his coca leaves and pearls."
"Cortez, Cortez, what a killer."