Fuck Internet shopping. You should bookmark Amazon and a store that sells artisanal cheeses and that's it. EBay? Fuck no. Don't ever go to eBay. This stuff is on eBay.
That's a scrotum and a magic spell to give you a fat ass. It will cost you $26 for the pair. And neither one of them is a joke. Someone is in the market of selling scrotums and fat-ass spells as you read this. Think maybe you'll shop on Etsy instead? First, stop reading this article immediately. Go wash your mouth out for saying that, you dirty hipster. Now come back and look at this.
That's a forlorn, depressed pig couch. You can't buy it on Etsy because it's already been sold. But it was there. And it's been replaced with something just as ridiculous, you can rest assured. If there's something far too ludicrous to exist in a real store because it would be taking up real estate from literally anything else, someone sells it online. Do you want a plaster bust of Eleanor Roosevelt eating a sausage? It's probably online. Do you want a painting of a narwhal fighting a shark with a sword? It's online.
Sweet Jesus. Did you know that 2 out of every 1 people on Earth have a Facebook account? It's true. Look up the biblical signs of the Antichrist and see if Mark Zuckerberg doesn't fit them. You can't escape Facebook on the Internet, but I'll be the first to say I generally don't give a shit. I'm not one of those anti-Facebook hipsters all proud of how I don't even have an account and won't ever get one, or how I used to have one -- back in 2004, ya fuckin' square! And now I'm on the coolest new social network, Fucklechuck.com, where you can only post sepia-tone photos of broken housewares and abandoned cars, and your status updates have to be moderated by Fucklechuck's patented ennui filter before they go live.
One, two princes kneel before you, that what I said now!
The problem with Facebook is not Facebook. It's every asshole you ever met showing you every asshole picture they ever took of every asshole they ever met who posts every asshole thought they ever had about every asshole date, job, party, school, funeral, porn shoot, exorcism, ritual suicide and box social they ever attended. The sarlacc hasn't seen a gaping hole so big as the spiritual asshole Facebook represents. It's everything. It's always everything every day and it never ends.
You know from your own life that you genuinely only like about six people. Maybe your parents, maybe someone you sleep with, a couple of friends and me. But you have more than us on your friends list. You have like 400 people on your friends list. Who are those people? Is that a guy you went to school with in sixth grade? Is he on your friends list? Tell that guy to fuck himself. For the good of your mental health, demand he fuck himself and make it his status update, and inform him that you'll never read it because you're unfriending him, but he'd still better do it.
Don't let the Internet screw with you. You still master it, it's a tool for your enjoyment. Remember that. Also, please bookmark me.
For more from Ian, check out 6 Reasons Homemade Porn is a Worse Idea Than You Think and The 8 Most Insulting Attempts to Raise Money for a Cause.