Cracked Columnists

5 Genuinely Offensive Font Choices That Must Be Stopped

#2. Advice Written in a Variety of Different Sizes

This style is also known as "every image currently on Pinterest that is not of a baby dressed up like a hot dog":

wearekando

Using this design, you can cram all the fake Marilyn Monroe quotes, out-of-context religious verses, and uplifting life insurance slogans into one rectangle, just in case people might step into your living room or glance at your computer screen without you telling them what to do.

M J Thomas

nidokidos.org

pinterest.com/jessnupe

pinterest.com/brendakaymccoy
And poor font choice in the last one leads to some poor bastard getting arrested for offering their "scat" and parking space.

Why It Needs to Stop

Look, I get it. It's a good way to fit a lot of different pieces of text on a page and still keep everything legible. By using different sizes and font styles, the designer can make the shorter bits of advice ("Smile at a swarthy malnourished child!") pop out from the longer bits in smaller text ("You know that irregular mole on your leg? No, the darker one that's larger than a pencil eraser. Yeah, you should get that checked out next time you're at the doctor. Look, don't get too upset about it. You've had a good run.") And it was clever the first twelve hundred times, it really was. But there must be other ways to arrange a bunch of different, unrelated sentences on one page. Like, why not make the words form pictures of monkeys or something? Everyone likes monkeys. Hell, people have been making animals out of phrases for centuries and it still looks classy:

Everitte Barbee
The horse's head is telling you to enjoy another cupcake because YOLO.

Failing that, maybe we could just stop shotgunning random rounds of advice at each other for a while. Because it comes off like the textual equivalent of those campaign ads where every person is saying just one word and it's meant to be all touching and inclusive but it really just means that you have to add 100 more people to your punch list.

#1. People With Uplifted Crescent Bodies and Circles for Heads

Youth 21

JSF Youth Without Borders

NCCC

NCSET

These colorful stick figures are raising their arms in joyful hope, and they've been doing it for about 30 years now. The design is especially popular among religious groups, which is weird because you'd think that at least one of these little guys would be angry at God for not giving them a face. But the real linking element among the swirly crescent people seems to be "youth," because logo designers believe that "youths" are in the human larval stage and have not yet developed legs.

Youth RISE

stjohn-catholic.org

foffc.net
Someday, little buddies. Someday.

Why It Needs to Stop

It's touching to know that in today's cynical world some of us still believe in groups of people who can take part in an eternal blissful rave even though their heads are not connected to their bodies. But nothing screams "creepy church youth group from the '80s" like swirly decapitation-figures. The middle-aged people whose companies use these logos appear to have fired their design teams and are now trying to appeal to youth by using something that was trendy when they were young, like your great-grandfather trying to get you to mow his lawn by promising you the scalp of an 18-year-old Japanese man.

The result: I don't care if it's an international resort conference held by UNICEF, I see one of these logos and I know it's just going to be shag carpet and a felt praise banner with teardrop-shaped flames on it and at least one creepy guy with thick glasses and a gray-speckled mustache. And nobody wants to be part of that.

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C. Coville

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