Cracked Columnists

5 Gamer Comments That Give Straight White Guys a Bad Name

#2. Never Mind Other People, You Hurt MY FEELINGS!

FROM ARTICLE: "You'll never have to wonder if this guy you're really into is, at the end of your date, going to push you down and hold you in place and give you hell for a few minutes so that he can get off."

COMMENT: No, but I will have to wonder if the girl sitting across from me is, in fact, envisioning me in her head as a rapist.

This guy is equating the fear of being raped with the fear of someone else maybe silently experiencing that fear. It's impossible for him to be a rapist, because he's so far up his own ass that his dick is safely sheathed in his belly button. If your presence causes people to fear sexual assault, your hurt feelings are not the problem in that situation. And if your reaction is anger, you are not helping! Just stop what you're doing. Everything that you're doing, including breathing.

... aaaand many white people have to avoid doing anything that appears even remotely racist or hateful. We all have our crosses to bear. Our ancestors sucked in a lot of ways.

This guy thinks the only reason he shouldn't be racist is because his great-grandparents used up his share, and now he's upset at not getting a full turn. Unless you're Desmond Miles, your ancestors' behavior is not the reason you're being an asshole to people.

Ubisoft
Slightly more proactive than commenting on Internet articles.

What the everliving f*ck is the point of this "article"? To make me feel guilty for being a white male?

The article describes the institutionalized unfairness of societal, sexual, and financial barriers facing billions of people, and he's reimagined their lives as a subtle psychological ploy to disrupt his good mood. It's not an attack. Hell, it's practically congratulations for winning the "getting shit on less by life" lottery, and he's upset. He'd interpret a surprise birthday cake as an arson attack.

Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
And his solution to the cake-division problem is locking everyone else outside, then screaming that knocking on a door is rude.

When you view the existence of everyone else as a problem automatically attacking you, you're internalizing the wrong parts of video games. These idiots want to ban the mention of problems that make them feel bad. Your hurt feelings are not global problems unless you're Haruhi Suzumiya. And if you have the time and technology to find out who that is right now, you're already among the luckiest people on the planet. Not everyone can use a global supercomputer network to waste time with fictional Japanese schoolgirls. That is the epitome of technological wealth and leisure. It's only one step short of a holodeck, and exactly how the first generation of owners will use it.

Kadokawa Shoten
You poor dear, Rule 34 will be nothing when they get their hands on you.

No one is asking you to think you're terrible. We're just asking you to think.

#1. White Males Are the Only Minority Left!

Like any video game, the biggest boss is at the end. And like most modern gaming bosses, its size is only matched by its stupidity.

Yeah, we have it pretty easy with the whole being the bottom of the totem pole right? Everyone hates us, nobody will help us, and we still get the job done. Welcome the highest difficulty
--
I hope the author realizes that being white in america, in 2012, is almost a curse.
--
People systematically discriminate against white men, making their lives harder
--
Do females face sexism? Yes, but on the same stroke guess what? Males face sexism the exact same way - just like your doing right now. Do Minorities face discrimination? Sure, but again just like your doing and just like I've experienced being white - we face discrimination just as much, if not even more so because of the current thought stream that's going on in this article.

Claiming that white males are the only minority left is how you insult everyone else in the world while embarrassing yourself. Anyone who plays modern video games and still thinks straight white men don't get enough attention is a threat to the entire species, because that level of insecurity could destabilize the Earth's orbit.

Apparently, being a straight white male is actually the hardest difficulty because of political correctness. People can't mock anyone else, so they mock the poor straight white man! Listen: If the people victimizing you are affected by political correctness, you have never been victimized.

Political correctness only stops the kind of people who use a thesaurus to get away with being snide. "Political correctness gone mad!" is how you announce to the world that you have no real problems but don't appreciate the fact and should be harvested for organs as soon as possible. Because people will notice that your stupid loud ass has gone missing, but they'll breathe a sigh of relief instead of calling the police.

Especially when you're a racist dick.

It's not that the game is easier for Straight White males, it's just that Straight White Males play the game to an elite level.
--
You know what the real advantage to being a white guy is? You got no excuses.

I'm 100 percent straight white male, dropping to 83 percent when I see Benedict Cumberbatch, and I know I'm one of the luckiest people on Earth. The only way the white race could truly be better than others is if we held a massive White Power rally over a leaking nuclear dumping ground so that one generation later the surviving average would indeed be way higher.

If your life is hard, you have my sympathy and support. If you think it's because you're a straight white male, I guarantee it's because you're an asshole.



Luke has a website, tumbles, and responds to every single tweet.

For more gaming insanity, check out The 5 Most Disastrously Copied Video Games. For further insanity, behold The 5 Most Ridiculously Sexist Superhero Costumes and Mathematical Proof That the Media Is Sexist and Bad at Math.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Luke McKinney

  • Rss

More by Luke McKinney:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

6,084 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!