__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__But this is not a column about Capezio shoes, Duran Duran and Swatches. This is about the subtle horrors of the decade; the parts of the '80s that sneak back into my consciousness now and then. Not the decade's obvious atrocities, like famine in Ethiopia or the Reagan administration's slow response to the AIDS epidemic, but subtler forms of hell. Things that are so inexplicably awful they don't seem real. Forgotten things that made no damn sense.__new_line____new_line__Here are the five most forgotten atrocities of the '80s.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Really dropped the ball there, Mom.
5 The Video to Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl" __new_line____new_line__A couple of months ago, I had to travel to West Virginia for business. After a long day of travel, including a rental car GPS that led me to the set of Deliverance II: The Rapening and some poor directions from an eyebrowless lady at the local Sheetz, I arrived at my hotel. If I tell you the concierge had a massive herpes blister, you won't believe me, but he totally did. Accordingly, when it came time to enjoy the state's nightlife, I made the obvious choice: double-bolting my hotel door, getting drunk and watching YouTube videos. __new_line____new_line__Somehow, this process lead me to Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl" video, which I watched for the first time as a man. Even as a kid I knew the song was kind of an early-'60s-style throwback, but it didn't occur to me how cool that was. It certainly couldn't have been an intuitively obvious decision to sing like Frankie Valli in 1985. So kudos to you, Billy.__new_line____new_line__But the video? Sweet Jesus.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Billy portrays a garage mechanic in love with supermodel Christie Brinkley. Even though the entire look and feel of the video is retro, it starts with two kids (presumably extras from Breakin') dressed in the height of break-dancing fashion who appear to be trying to steal money from a pay phone. Don't worry, there are other, more positive images of blacks in the video, like Christie Brinkley's limo driver. Oh.__new_line____new_line__Billy begins combing his hair using a technique prevalent in neither the early '60s nor the mid-'80s involving epileptic neck seizures. Then we get some of the most stilted choreography ever assembled. Then Christie Brinkley comes out of the car being followed by Billy and his army of hunching monkeymen. Not for another 25 years would a moderately heighted man have the courage to stand next to someone so tall when a brave Dan O'Brien paired up with the ginormous little Mikey Swaim. __new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__The douche-chillingly hilarious solution to this height disparity is found at two minutes in:__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Not as funny as Agents of Cracked.
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Then we get the break-dancing kids doing the robot, because what says retro Four Seasons pop song more than break dancing? It was the '80s. Break dancing was everywhere. Ultimately, Billy gets the girl and marries her in real life. However, it will take the director of the video another 30 years to legally marry in the U.S. __new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__I'll have to remember this trick next time I'm cruising for tall ladies.
4Laverne & Shirley in the Army __new_line____new_line__In 1982, ABC had the great idea to take the then-flailing Laverne & Shirley show and make it a cartoon -- while the real show was still on the air. Sounds hard to believe, right? What if I told you that Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams actually did the voices? It's true. What if I then said the premise was Laverne and Shirley join the army just like Goldie Hawn did in Private Benjamin -- one of the biggest comedies of 1980? __new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__"Please God, please don't let me inspire Hanna-Barbera's unholiest evil."
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__"Hey, Shirl, let's join the army."