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5 Fictional Universes Where Being a Regular Person Sucks

#2. Westeros

HBO.com

The world in Game of Thrones doesn't seem to have many upsides. Everyone is dirty; there's rampant poverty, slavery, rape, and murder; and pretty much every politician is the most corrupt bastard who ever lived. The little people don't have a lot of advantages. Aside from boobs, anyway. Westeros really seems to produce a lot of boobs.

Now overlook the extremely poor job the government in Westeros (which is currently in a state of utter turmoil as new kings are declared and murdered probably faster than the news can travel to most peasants) does, and the fact that some of the largest armies patrolling the land seem to be killing and raping villagers for sport, and consider the nation as a whole. Do you see the big problem the world has, and has had since the very beginning? The life and safety of every single individual south of the Wall are dependent on the skill and commitment of a small army of criminals and unwanted bastards who have been given the option of execution or becoming the last line of defense against a terrifying, ancient evil. What a fucking terrible idea.

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"I'm ready to man the Wall. And shit myself."

Naturally the problem is that, in modern Westeros, no one believes in the monsters beyond the Wall, so why not throw all the human trash you have at the Wall to guard against wildlings? But we as viewers and readers are aware the monsters are real. The guys at the Wall know they're real. And winter, which can apparently last for years, will allow them to come down from the North and turn everyone they come across into pale, blue-eyed zombies.

The safety of all the good people of Westeros is therefore constantly in the hands of inept assholes. There's literally only five or six decent people on the entire continent, which really makes it hard to come up with a reasonable method of staving off mass death and destruction on a global scale, which seems to be what's about to happen. No one cares about anyone in Westeros, and if you're a little dirt farmer down by Moat Cailin, well, screw you, you better start placing bets on who's going to murder you first.

#1. Star Wars

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Do you remember when we first met Luke Skywalker? He was on Tattooine, living a simple life with his aunt and uncle as moisture farmers. Moisture farmers! That's the life you have to look forward to as a nobody in the Star Wars universe. I think that may be even dumber than a dirt farmer. The universe of Star Wars is so depressing, people live in the desert and collect dew as a way of life. And that's when life is good, because there's a race of weird, hooting monsters with rifles who might show up and murder you out there, too, if the tooth-filled mega sand vag doesn't swallow you first.

Farming moisture on Tattooine is of course only one career path for the everyday fella in Star Wars; maybe you're going to live on Coruscant instead. If that planet doesn't have the highest suicide rate in the galaxy, I will eat my hat. It's one big city with multiple levels of flying traffic and nothing else going on. Everyone is always going somewhere, and that seems to be all that ever happens in the entire world. If the entire planet Earth was Detroit, would you ever open your curtains again? Would you look outside and smile ever? No, you wouldn't. Not at all. Because you live in the shittiest place anyone has ever thought of, and no amount of flying cars can make that better.

The largest employer in the galaxy seems to be the Empire, and by the time parts IV to VI roll around it's clear that the silly clone troopers from the prequels have been replaced by guys who need jobs and don't mind really uncomfortable uniforms that offer no protection and seem to have no purpose or benefit whatsoever. Those guys get shot all the time. How they rook people into that job we may never know, but it should be obvious to everyone in a galaxy far, far away that Stormtrooping is a shitty way to make a living and has little room for advancement. All things being equal, the only cool and relatively safe job in the Star Wars universe seems to be bartender, and even then you have to get used to people shooting the place up and some really awful space jazz. Plus the threat of having your whole planet blown up by small moons, if it strikes someone's fancy to do so.

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Felix Clay

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