Cracked Columnists

5 Favors People Love to Offer (That No One Wants)

#2. Giving You a Shortcut When Your Normal Route Is Totally Fine

It's typically a lovely gesture to share your knowledge with another. We all like behind-the-scenes advice and shortcuts on the road of life. Got a line on concert tickets? Share away. Know a trick for saving money at hotels? Let's hear it. Know a shortcut to avoid the hellacious traffic that could add literally hours to our journey? We're all ears. No one in their right mind (or even me in my wrong one) would complain about such things.

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Know who's great at shortcuts? Roman centurions. I'm just kidding, my friend just bet me 10 bucks I couldn't use the same pic three times in one article. Actually, I'm still kidding. I have no friends. I had one once, but I kept talking about the Romans.

But no one likes it when you insist upon shortcuts for journeys that are not particularly problematic. "You took Old Spring Road to the Dairy Barn? Oh man, what are you thinking? You gotta take Old Mill, then get off at Parker Drive and cut through the neighborhood. That way you miss the stop sign by the Taco Bell and the stop light by the public library!"

"But I got here in like 10 minutes," you say. "What's the big deal?"

"The big deal?! You could have gotten here in half the time. I'm telling you. Old Mill Road. It's all about Old Mill Road. Listen to me. I know what I'm talking about."

But we won't, and we hate you. We will never take Old Mill Road. Ever. We will only think you're a d-bag every single time we drive by it. And we will pray for the day where there is a major accident or road construction on Old Mill Road. Because that's the day we'll be sure to mention to you that we almost got completely fucked by taking your advice, but thank goodness we stuck to Old Spring Road instead.

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"Good Lord! That could have been me. Old Mill Road indeed!"

#1. Offering to Teach You Something You Don't Want to Know

It's typically a lovely gesture to teach someone something. After all, that famous proverb goes "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and he can feed himself for life." Personally, I don't buy it. I mean, who is this dude who lives by the ocean but has no idea how to fish? What does he think all those fishermen he's begging off of are doing? He probably can't be taught. What I'm saying is, maybe just give him some fish. And cut it for him. Also make sure he's using a spork, because sharper utensils are probably a hazard. Poor dude.

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Relevant!

But no one likes it when you offer and then insist on teaching them something they never wanted to know. "Nice knitted cock ring," you say, noticing your boss's knitted cock ring prominently displayed on his desk. I mean, what else could you say? It's on his desk. He wants you to see it. But then suddenly it's all, "Yeah, knitting's really relaxing" and "You should try it" and "Here, let me show you how." Next thing you know, you're knee-deep in yarn and needles and your boss is spending lunch with you every day, measuring your junk to estimate how much yarn is needed. Unless this is just me? Also, turns out it wasn't a cock ring. Just a mitten, but you get the point.

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This is my boss.

The Romans are big fans of HATE BY NUMBERS. Also follow Gladstone on Twitter and stay up-to-date on the latest regarding Notes from the Internet Apocalypse. And then there's his website and Tumblr, too.

For more from Gladstone, check out The 4 Kinds of People (And What You Can Learn From Them) and 6 Non-Medical Excuses That Should Qualify You for a Sick Day.

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