Man, you guys really hate UGG boots, huh? I suppose I could get behind it if they generated all that hate on moral grounds, because they're basically like wearing a skinned sheep on your feet. That's not the case, though. If I'm reading the litany of completely reasonable websites dedicated solely to complaining about UGGs and the women (and sometimes men) who wear them correctly, the main gripes boil down to things like "they're ugly" and that women wear them with shorts or when it's not cold out, as displayed here by Jessica Simpson and her adorable dog.
All of this would still be fine if disagreements over fashion and aesthetics were all that's at work here, but that's definitely not the case. Here's a fun experiment: Pull up this website about hating Crocs and this website about hating UGGs.
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The fanny pack of footwear.
The rest is really simple: Just go through both sites for as long as time permits and make note of any use of the word "slut." Actually, I'll save you some trouble with the UGGs site. By some strange twist of Tumblr magic, you can actually scroll all the way to the end of that site without so much as clicking over to a new page. I'm not sure I scrolled all the way to the end, but I made it a fair distance. Here's what I came up with when I searched for the aforementioned slur:
Lots of sluts on this site!
I made it through all seven pages of the Crocs site without finding a single reference to the people who wear them having loose morals. If I had to guess, I'd say that's because footwear is a really poor indicator of that kind of thing. We can know without a shadow of a doubt that people who wear Crocs lack fashion sense, but whether they fuck for sport will likely remain a mystery if you're basing your judgment on shoes and nothing else.
For some reason, though, we apparently have no problem making the connection between wearing high-top slippers and being a whore (that word showed up six times, for the record). How does that happen? Easy! Genuine UGGs are expensive as fuck, probably because, as mentioned before, making them requires killing an entire sheep.
In case you're wondering what $50 bows look like.
Back in the days before you could buy knockoff versions for less than 10 bucks at a Dollar General near you, UGGs were almost exclusively the domain of people with money. Not just people, though. UGGs are favored by women. Attractive women. I mean, that's a huge generalization, obviously. That label can't realistically apply to everyone wearing UGGs. Still, try running the phrase "UGGs with shorts" (a favorite complaint of people who hate them) through your Google box sometime and have a look at the image results.
We can argue about individual photos on that page all we want, but if we're talking averages, it's definitely not the "ugly" girls getting picked on by the Internet for wearing boots in the wrong weather or whatever the hell. That's because the fashion and weather concerns put forth by UGG haters are a smokescreen meant to mask the real issue. People don't hate UGGs because of how they look; people hate UGGs because they represent things they'll never have in their own lives, like money and attractive women, and as everyone knows, when a woman won't give you the time of day, it's because there's something wrong with her.
That's the story of how wearing boots became synonymous with being a slut, I suspect.
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Here's a serious question: What the hell has Starbucks ever done to you? Again, I'm seriously asking. Please post your answers in the comment section. I mean, I get it -- they're everywhere, and that's kind of obnoxious -- but there are twice as many Subway restaurants, right? How come no one gives a shit about that? It's not like Starbucks is coming to town and putting all the competition out of business, like Walmart. Even in the smallest of towns, where there's a Starbucks, there's usually a mom-and-pop coffee shop that thrives on nothing more than the business from people who like to rebel against societal expectations about drinking corporate coffee. If anything, the rise of Starbucks, once viewed as the most pretentious of all possible coffee experiences, has opened the floodgates for a brand new crop of even more insufferably pompous shops that make grabbing your morning coffee feel more like a trip to a high-end clothing boutique.
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If anyone would know, it's me.
Since we mentioned Walmart, remember all of the drama surrounding how impossible it used to be for their employees to get health care? Starbucks has been giving employees who work just 20 hours per week full health insurance benefits since 1988. No matter your stance on their coffee, it's hard to argue against treating your employees with at least a moderate amount of respect. That's a rarity in the fast food industry.
Oh, but I'm skipping over the biggest atrocity committed by Starbucks. They have the gall to charge insane prices, sometimes as high as $5, for a single cup of coffee. Except that's not really true, is it, coffee fans? If you just order a cup of black coffee at Starbucks, contrary to popular belief, no one will look at you quizzically as if you've just placed the most exotic order ever, and it's not going to set you back a whole lot more than it would if you were shopping at Dunkin' Donuts.
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Which you obviously need to be doing, because when are you going to see this at a Starbucks?
If you're buying a slightly fancier blended coffee drink, no matter where you are, then you should expect to be in that five-dollar neighborhood. If I had to guess (and I do, because I hate research), I'd say the reason Starbucks earned the distinction of being the only franchise that gets shit for selling the same overpriced coffee everyone else sells is because they were the first ones to make that particular product into a McDonald's-esque "one on every corner" type of experience.
What about those names they use for the coffee sizes, though? Venti? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Because it's the size of the cup, you see.
Why can't we just say "large"? Well, we can, and maybe that hipster barista (another huge generator of animosity toward Starbucks) will correct you, and maybe she won't. Either way, you just take your coffee and go, you know? There's no reason to be a goddamn Denis Leary about it.
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Caption that proves I'm familiar with Bill Hicks!
Sure, Starbucks isn't the greatest coffee in the world, but that's a lot like saying Steel Reserve isn't the greatest beer in the world. What difference does it make if you drink enough of it to give yourself Type 2 diabetes like I totally did a few years ago?
It doesn't matter. At all. If you want coffee, you're going to get it from whatever place happens to be in the vicinity. If it's a Starbucks, you're going to find a reason to complain, because that's what we're supposed to do when a company becomes that huge, even if, at the end of the day, they aren't a whole lot worse than anyone else.
Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should listen to on Soundcloud and a live stand-up comedy show of the same name that you should come see sometime if you're in the Los Angeles area. You should also be his friend on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr.