#2. Channing Tatum Will Do Anything for a Soda
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Back when he was only known for dancing, Channing Tatum starred in a Mountain Dew commercial centered on the lengths that he'd go to to get a Mountain Dew.
He's Channing Tatum. The man finds dollar bills falling out of the cracks between his abs, but here, he's so stressed about losing his calorie-packed soda that he puts his friend's life in danger to go back and get it.
"CUT! You can't be screaming the word 'shit' every time he ramps."
He even pulls a cool car-flipping stunt.
But he hasn't reached the point of his career where he's decent at acting yet, as the look on his face mid-flip reads, "They said this will all be fixed in computers later. What am I supposed to do now?"
I find it hard to believe that, considering Channing's physique, he is that into getting his sugary soda fix, but in this Pepsi ad, I'm proven wrong. Channing is a DJ who discovers that he has the power TO MANIPULATE TIME ITSELF using only his turntables.
And what does he do with this most incredible of super powers? He uses it to get his hands on a Pepsi ...
... that just narrowly escaped his clutches.
He slaughters the whole fucking place.
For one thing, if that was his Pepsi, that waitress would have brought it to him. He's being an asshole about this. Why not just order your own Pepsi and then use your magic turntables to make the waitress return immediately? Instead, with a quick rewind of the record ...
... he brings the waitress back ...
... and finally gets his hands on the liquid that is apparently the core staple of his diet.
Yay, magical theft!
His thievery is rewarded when he's approached by a mysteriously drenched lady who, impressed to find out that God was invited to the party, immediately wants to sleep with him.
And who is Channing to say no? He has the power to fast forward and slow down time. This is going to be either done in a second or the shortest 50 years of this woman's life.
#1. Orson Welles Was Terribly Lonely
Before we invented Peter O' Toole or the concept of an Expendable, all that was left for creative types on the tail end of their careers to do was drink themselves into oblivion. Much has been said about Orson Welles' fall from grace. He went from creating the top movie of everything, Citizen Kane, and scaring the piss out of people with a Martian warning to being unable to justify his participation in a commercial about burgers.
Tom Cochrane once said that life is a highway, and Orson Welles didn't so much drive it all night long as he got about halfway down the highway, blew one of his tires, and screamed into the night sky for fucking hours until morning came.
Commercials didn't help his waning reputation much. He was promoting either some kind of alcohol or a product that he enjoyed so much that he needed to monologue about it. No matter the product, though, one thing always remained the same. Orson Welles was a terribly lonely man. Sure, he could sometimes be found in the company of the people entrusted to bring him a fresh bottle of booze at 15-minute intervals:
But beyond that, if Orson Welles was selling anything, he always ...
... did it ...
... in complete and total solitude.
I've never seen a worse job of making a person look attractive on TV. They may as well have set a bowl of Cool Whip beside him and had the entire room laugh at it for 60 seconds.
Commercials nowadays don't expect the audience's attention span to last past the third second, which makes Orson's trend of being placed in a flatly lit room, armed with only the product and his own personal demons, seem very quaint and even more depressing.
In what I consider to be my favorite of these ads, Orson Welles talks about WABC Talk Radio.
Since that's promoting sound waves, which are nearly impossible to see on television, they have nothing to cut away from and are stuck on Orson's vicious gaze.
He scolds the programs of other radio shows for sounding alike, which is a weird, ironic statement on Orson himself, since the only two things that change in all of Welles' ads are the jacket that he's wearing and the electronic device that he barely explains.