#2. People Who Smell from Things Other Than Body Odor or Excessive Amounts of Cologne
I have no problem hating someone who smells. Not homeless people, but, y'know, the rest of us. There is soap and water. There are products out there to help you. There's no excuse. I also have no problem hating some Jersey Shore type who has drowned himself in enough Drakkar Noir or Axe to make my eyes water. But then there are people who have certain scents that very subtly but distinctly make you want to die.
1983-2014. Stood too close to mint toothpaste.
In some cultures (that I won't specifically name because very not smart people will say it's racist), the scent of mothballs is actually sought out. They dig the camphor smell. To me, it's the smell of grandmas and death, but they dig it. Some people think patchouli doesn't smell like pig fat rolled in rancid dandelions, and they wear it. (Some dirty hippies wear it instead of bathing, and it's totally OK to hate them for stinking up the joint.) Some women under 80 actually enjoy moisturizers and perfumes that smell like rose petals. Who knew? And the worst thing about these people? They're allowed to walk around in the world and sit near you.
Why It Sucks
It's harder to ignore a smell you hate than an unpleasant noise, because it is not yet socially acceptable to stick your earbuds up your nose. (Except maybe in that freaker country Sweden!)
"Seriously, dude, let the Swedish thing go. You're making everyone uncomfortable."
But You Really Can't Get Mad
Because scents are pretty damn subjective. I'll hate on someone who has a shower but doesn't feel the need to bathe before being around other humans. I'll hate someone with a child's conception of the appropriate amount of cologne or perfume. But if someone is wearing a normal amount of a scent that I have a personal problem with, I know, the problem is me. And I make sure to tell that to all the patchouli-wearing maniacs I beat to death with their own dreads.
#1. People Who Won't Share Your Anger
One good thing about being annoyed by someone in a public place is there's usually someone else there to share your pain. Some rude guy at the table to your right at some fancy restaurant is talking way too loudly on his phone? No problem. Turn to the table to your left and do the old "Is this guy crazy or is it me?" look. Have your new friend to the left help you carry the burden of your contempt. Bond a bit. Except sometimes, even though you're surrounded by people, you can't find an affliction buddy.
"Yep, I hate that guy, too, buddy. You're all good!"
Why It Sucks
Because who doesn't want an affliction buddy? Affliction buddies give you the strength to carry on when some dude is blasting his radio on a subway. Affliction buddies shake their head in mutual disdain when someone publicly urinates in line while waiting for the Tilt-a-Whirl. Hell, affliction buddies can even intervene and save you from horrible conversations when some Chatty Cathy corners you on public transportation. But some potential affliction buddies refuse to answer their call to duty. They're too busy pretending, yes, I said pretending, that they don't even mind the thing that's killing you.
But You Really Can't Get Mad
OK, actually, you can. I give you permission. OK, fine, you can't really get mad, because getting angry isn't a great thing. You can't hate someone for somehow finding their Zen place that allows them to remain impervious to all the indignities and disturbances of the world. More power to them, I say! Actually, I don't say that, because I'm pretty sure 90 percent of them are just indifferent, self-centered liars, unconcerned with anyone's plight, but 10 percent are probably truly good people who have found the light. They're people who can hold onto tranquility in a storm. And it's hard to tell the two kinds of people apart, so you shouldn't hate any of them. (I guess. Sorta.) Actually, I dunno, if you did hate them, you'd still be right 90 percent of the time.
GLADSTONE'S NOTES FROM THE INTERNET APOCALYPSE IS ON SALE NOW!
After experiencing the joy of purchasing Book 1 of the trilogy, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter.
Also, you can get all your Internet Apocalypse news here.