5 Everyday Offenses That Are Inexplicably Maddening

In my years at Cracked, I've written lots of articles about everyday offenses committed by that annoying subset of humanity known as "other people." Indeed, I'd written so many such articles that I was even approached to a do a whole book of them, but I turned that down to pursue my Internet Apocalypse trilogy instead. But even that act of maturity didn't keep a series of petty grievances from filling my diseased mind and ever-blackened heart.

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Medical photo of the brain of someone who bitches online about how much people suck.

I've accepted that I can't fight it anymore. There are still things people do that drive me far crazier than they should. And sure, I can be mature and "normal" and "not insane" and just let them go, but then how could all the terrible people of the world live vicariously through my hatred? So yes, in this article, lets examine some incredibly tiny slights and disses that should be ignored instead of memorialized -- and then let's memorialize them! Here are five more tiny indignities we suffer in everyday life that, despite their insignificance, can be incredibly maddening.

#5. Salespeople Coldly Delivering Rejection

You ever ask for a totally normal item at a restaurant or store, and get rejected like you just requested a rimjob for your pet rhino? Well, in truth, I haven't, but mostly because my rhino isn't into that sort of thing, so I'm not sure what that's like. But what I'm getting at is that there's a right way and a wrong way to deliver rejection. It's not the salesperson's fault that their employer is out of paper clips or the soup of the day, but still, that rejection should not be delivered with a parenthetical "asshole" at the end of the sentence.

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Incidentally, "Parenthetical Asshole" was a pretty big college band outside of Austin in '96.

For example: The other day, I was visiting a Starbucks and requested a "tall blonde," as I've done at no fewer than 20 other Starbucks. (It's important to note that I didn't make a joke about wanting a "tall blonde," because I'm not that kind of asshole.) In any event, the barista looked at me with a vaguely raised eyebrow and a cock of the head before informing me, "We don't brew blonde here." The implication was that I was a jackass for requesting such a thing. Or maybe that wasn't the implication, but that's how I took it, because I'm a horrible person.

Does that make me a big baby? Sure it does, but I do remember when I worked in a bookstore and people would request books we didn't carry or were out of all the time, and my simple response was, "I'm sorry, we don't have that." It's just reflexive, simple courtesy to cushion your already disappointed customer's feelings. And it goes a long way. Maybe if I'd received that tiny phrase, I wouldn't have been forced to burn the Starbucks to the ground. Or at least, that's what I told a jury of my peers.

#4. Refusing Apologies Over Silly Things

There are no shortage of sins we can commit in this world, and an almost infinite number of ways we can wrong each other. Some mistakes are so significant that simple apologies can't make them go away. Some people are so wounded that forgiveness can only come with time. But if you can't forgive someone who made casual, incidental contact with you, odds are you are an insanely hateful piece of garbage.

Examples? Sure! You ever just bump into someone in a crowded street or subway? I mean a bump, nudge, or rub in a completely nonsexual manner. Well, if you have, then you probably followed that with "Oh, sorry," or "Excuse me," or anything to convey "whoopsie-doodle, apologies!" And 99 percent of the time, that was probably the end of it. But sometimes people don't accept that apology and remain inexplicably angry. This happens to me -- or I see this happen to others -- about every two months on the New York subway.

Doug Menuez/Photodisc/Getty Images
"Oh sorry, did my elbow make contact with your shoulder? I'm sorry." "I will kill your entire family."

No one likes to be touched without permission, and I suppose if someone is driving their unicycle while blindfolded in Times Square and rolls over your foot, then that apology is pretty worthless. But we're all grown-ups here. We understand that sometimes, accidents happen. Honest mistakes. And when they're acknowledged and apologized for, that's it. You don't get to go on and on about the that fucking prick whose shoe slid across your flip-flop on a packed A train. And if you haven't guessed, that thing happened to me just the other day. I was standing shoulder-to-shoulder in a packed train, and when additional people got on, I slid an inch to the right, apparently causing a contact between the flip-flopped foot of a seated women and my shoe. "Oh, I'm sorry," I said. And then she proceeded to grumble swear at me for a minute straight, in front of her five-year-old daughter. Ultimately, I said, "The train is packed, the contact was an accident, and I'm sorry. What more do you want?"

Kevin Peterson/Photodisc/Getty
"I want you to die. Isn't that clear? No wonder you're too stupid to be trusted on the subway."

#3. Restating Other People's Jokes In Reply

The first joke we all learn is "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side." And the first jackass who ever heard that joke probably replied, "That's hardly the expected road-crossing reason one would typically expect!" Yes, it's a phenomenon known as joke-stepping, and its the bane of all people trying to make a joke. This entry is about a very specific form of joke-stepping: filling in the part that doesn't need to be said. Indeed, the point of some jokes is deliberately omitting information. These are jokes where the punchline is implied and the humor comes from the listener filling in the blank. You see this a lot in sarcastic quipping, and if you would like all your sarcastic quips destroyed, may I suggest you make them on Twitter?


#OMG #INoLongerWantToLive #Why?!

See what happened there? Sure you do. Was the person who made this reply a bad person? Of course not. Is it a big deal? No. Have I tried not to include this as an entry of little tiny indiscretions that drive me disproportionately insane? I sure have. Did I fail miserably? Absolutely. Will I be able to break free of this construction of answering my own questions for rhetorical effect? It seems the answer is no! Will you, the reader, ultimately turn on me not just for milking a joke, but also for getting so ticked off about an innocent social media faux pas? Of course you will, as would any honorable, decent Cracked reader. So shouldn't I cut my losses and stop now? Of course I should! And yet I still haven't? I know. Sometimes I'm hard to love.

This is probably the pettiest of the complaints on this list, I know. And it's my sincere hope that displaying it here will rid me of its power to irritate. But here's a suggestion before replying to a joke: Ask yourself, "Is my reply adding anything not already contained in the joke? And if so, is that the point?"

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