The timeline of music history is littered with tons of great collaborations between amazing musicians. Over the past couple of decades, though, artists doing guest spots on their music friends' songs have become the norm. It's so common between rappers and singers that they had to invent an entirely new Grammy category, the stupidly named "Best Rap/Sung Collaboration."
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The Illuminati won it this year!
It's been this pairing, rappers and singers, that has produced some of the most baffling collaboration results of all. Those two groups, for the most part, have radically different agendas when they put pen to paper, and it shows when they hit the studio together. So much so that the end result makes it seem like the two parties were recording entirely different songs. A few examples are listed below.
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Here are five duets by musicians who were clearly singing different songs.
#5. Beyonce and Jay-Z -- "Crazy in Love"
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Right off the bat, how adorable is that picture? Crazy adorable, probably. I don't know if that's something you can measure with any real precision. It's sort of adorable, at the very least. You know, because they're sitting next to each other. And they're in love. Crazy in love, in fact! We know that because it's the name of the song and because Beyonce is clearly singing about that very state of being from the moment it starts.
Her opening verse is a whole bunch of sweet stuff about looking deep into eyes and calling names out loud (if you know what I mean [fucking]) and all of the other typical come-ons we expect to hear in pop songs these days. Seeing as how this was one of the earliest entries in the power couple's ever-expanding joint catalog, you'd expect both parties would have that same new-love scent permeating their performances.
Nope! Beyonce manages to keep it romance-related throughout the song, but Jay-Z goes off topic immediately with boasts about how his "flow is loco" and some jazz about being "stick boney," which makes for a hilarious contrast with his pockets, which are "fat like Tony."
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Goddamn he loves his wife!
On the bright side, at least he's not being completely embarrassing. You can't even say that much about his turn on their most recent and similarly titled collaboration, "Drunk in Love."
In a fun turn of events, both sides have a go at playing the rhyme machine. To Jay-Z's credit, he at least makes sure to talk about sex in this song, which is definitely about sex. Sex and drinking, rather, and this verse covers both heavily. Well done for that, but when consumed whole, it's kind of like watching a baseball player nearly hit an inside the park home run, only to get tagged out after hilariously tripping halfway down the third base line. He breaks everything with five words:
"Your breasteses is my breakfast ..."
Come on, man -- as great as that breakfast would be, that shit barely rhymes, if it rhymes at all. Even that could be forgiven if it was done in the name of pulling off a particularly clever joke or punchline. Unfortunately, "Your breasteses is my breakfast" sounds like something a crazy homeless person would yell at an attractive woman in the morning.
So, it is actually pretty clever, just not Jay-Z clever.
#4. Ol' Dirty Bastard and Mariah Carey -- "Fantasy"
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Surprise! Ol' Dirty Bastard recorded a verse on a song and it didn't make any sense! Right, that's not a surprise at all. In the crazy department, the most shocking thing here is that his crazy didn't trigger anything to bring out the crazy that we've all since come to know definitely resides somewhere deep inside Mariah Carey.
For the most part, Mariah always held it together on record, which definitely wasn't the case with the man who eventually called himself Big Baby Jesus. There came a point where it was just expected that if he was the featured guest, the song in question was going to feature nonsense. Mariah Carey's "Fantasy" is one of the earliest examples of this particular ODB quirk.
Just like the Beyonce song before this, "Fantasy" begins with the song's guest rapper dropping a few minor clues as to the direction he's planning to go once he's finally allowed to steer the ship. He does that in the form of a rambling list of shoutouts to various cities, which starts with New York. That makes perfect sense. It's a little less explainable when he shouts out "Sacramento" a few lines later, and then, a few short lines after that, the "West Coast." If I'm not mistaken, that would've covered Sacramento as well. Either way, nobody's fantasy involves Sacramento unless you're a Kings fan hoping your team doesn't pack up their shit and head for a real city in the next five years.
Mariah Carey rights the ship shortly after that and keeps things on course lyrically for as long as she can, but inevitably guest stars must be given their chance to shine, and when Ol' Dirty Bastard got that chance in this song, he used it mostly to ramble aimlessly.
Sure, the entire song is worth whatever aggravation it causes just to hear the line "Me and Mariah go back like babies and pacifiers," which they did, apparently. From there, though, it's pretty clear he's just saying a bunch of stuff that rhymes.
However, it's a lot better than what the Insane Clown Posse got for their money when they paid ODB $30,000 to record a song. He repaid that investment by showing up and delivering a bunch of nonsensical mumbling, which was eventually edited into four lines that rhymed and released as a song called "Bitches," because who needs standards?
That said, any ICP song that doesn't feature ICP exclusively is always an above average ICP song in my book. Also, Ol' Dirty Bastard wasn't the only Wu-Tang member with a proclivity for showing up on other people's songs to spout nonsense.
#3. Raekwon and Kanye West -- "Gorgeous"
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Wu-Tang Clan stalwart Raekwon is no stranger to making absolutely no sense. Often joined by his work husband and fellow gibberish enthusiast Ghostface Killah, Raekwon has practically built a career on stringing together words that have no relation to each other whatsoever other than that they rhyme. There's usually a reference to a fashion designer and a few metaphors for cocaine tossed in to make it seem like there's some sort of theme to the madness.
There isn't, though. That's especially true of Raekwon's guest spot on "Gorgeous," a song from Kanye West's super duper great My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy album.
It's always a challenge figuring out exactly what Kanye West is complaining about from song to song, and that's still relatively true here. Everything from the South Park fish sticks fiasco to lusting after that "American Apparel girl in just tights" draws a mention.
Pictured above, for reference purposes.
That said, at least it's clear that he's complaining about something. When the baton is passed to Raekwon, what comes next is basically 16 bars of various brand names punctuated with a few mentions about smoking weed. That's how his verse opens ...
Stetson? Someone's fancy!
... and he doesn't ease up on the pointless pedal until the song finally grinds to a stop:
What kind of "plan" is this, exactly?
Don't get me wrong, Raekwon says incomprehensible nonsense in a more entertaining fashion than almost anyone else, so it's still good times having him on the song. Would it kill him to string those words together in a way that means something when he has company over, though?