Ged Galvin, a 55-year-old English man from South Yorkshire, when he was involved in a terrible motorcycle accident. His injuries were so extensive that, even after his many surgeries, doctors informed him he would have to use a colostomy bag for the rest of his life. Then crazier, more awesome doctors that had seen some Six Million Dollar Man re-runs recently, stepped in and informed him to “fuck that noise.”
“Ged,” they said. “We’ve got two words for you: Bionic Ass. And then two more: Fuck yes.”
"The patient's lost the use of both arms below the elbow, so of course I recommend we install Flamethrower Hands." Ged, weighing the pros and cons of carrying a bag of poop around for eternity (there was a shockingly short "pro" list) agreed to try an experimental new surgery. The procedure used muscles from his knee to recreate a crude sort of sphincter, with implanted electrodes all throughout that respond to a remote control. Now, Galvin doesn’t have normal control over his bowels, he has supreme mastery over them. With the press of a button, Galvin controls exactly when, where, how much (and, if science is as awesome as this story is making it out to be, hopefully with exactly how much force) he shits. However, even if Galvin himself is sadly lacking in Astro Boy style ass-cannons, believe me when I say this: It is only a matter of time until somebody with both the desire and money gets the idea too. In the future, you’ll have to watch who you mouth off to, because forget knives and guns - that dude at the bar might have a crap-howitzer in his pants loaded with high-caliber feces with your name on it.
give birth to penises. Digest that for a minute (the information, not the penises). Brand new cocks are being manufactured in North Carolina every single day. They’re fully authentic in both form and function--they bonerize and everything--and they are not just “in theory,” or “a one time experiment never to be repeated.” No, there are actual, multiple test cases--rabbits, to be specific--equipped with fully functioning, entirely lab-grown penises. And the bunnies in question are not only already boning with their new proto-dongs, but four of them have even successfully fathered offspring with a penis that should not be.
"Baby, no! Don't be scared! Baby... just... just touch it a little. JUST TOUCH THE COCK THAT SHOULD NOT BE!" The process used to create the bio-cocks can also be applied to other organs with roughly similar levels of success and, really, what does that say about our priorities as a society? You’re not reading a story about the successful recreation of a human heart, are you? Is this an article about the first fully functioning replacement lung? No, the process showed promise, so the first thing we did with it was dong-farming. It’s human nature: Just like you don’t draw the Sistine chapel on your buddy’s forehead when he passes out, so too does Science abandon its high-minded principles and feverishly gets to work on wang-wrangling the first time the opportunity presents itself.
Pictured: Wang Wrangling. "But how does this change the human body?" you might rightfully be saying to yourself. “Isn’t this just regrowing something that was already there?” Well yes, but I'm afraid you may have forgotten to factor in the Internet. Human perversion was evolving at a slow, but steady pace before the World Wide Web connected us all, and then look what happened: It was like a pervert A-bomb. Sexual deviancy leaped forward dramatically, and in an astoundingly short amount of time... because apparently Moore’s law applies to fecalphilia and yiffing just the same as it does technology. We have the ability to grow penises, and the term “body modification” brings up 4-million hits on Google. Those, sadly, are not unrelated concepts; the very second this tech hits the market, you’re going to learn the politically correct term for a man with five cocks.
“I prefer to be called penta-wanged, thank you.”