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Aristotle once defined a joke as "that which hits your friend in the balls such that you cannot stop laughing." It's as true now as it was back in the '60s when he said it. But jokes have evolved beyond the balls to encompass so much more of our lives, such as dicks. There are so many dick jokes out there that are so profound they're almost unbelievable. In fact, the universe itself conspires to make dick jokes a part of our everyday lives. Don't believe me? Thanks for the lack of faith. Stop reading this immediately and leave, Judas. The rest of you, come and see!

5
The Penis-Enlarger Scam

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This story is so perfect it should be told to children at bedtime, once they're of an age to appreciate the subtleties of financial scams and small-penis humor. So like 10, maybe? Is it 10 when you master that? I know nothing about children.

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These ones have mutual funds and a firm grasp of adult humor, right?

So peep this (is that still cool slang? Fuck it, I'm using it): A fella in Kuala Lumpur was feeling a little inadequate in the trouser department, which is to say in the what's-in-his-trousers department, which is to say the dick department. He had a little dick. Or still does, I suppose. Anyway, in an effort to remedy his situation, he ordered a penis enlarger from one of the world's many purveyors of penis-enlargement technology. But oh what dicky web we weave when first we practice to enlarge, or something very much like that.

When the man's package arrived (not his little weenie; he had that the whole time) he discovered his penis enlarger was not a pump or a ray gun or some manner of embiggening harness. No, it was a magnifying glass complete with instructions to not use it in direct sunlight.

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Not that it's wise to go outside with such a sick burn.

To you and I, this is hilarious dick-jokery at its finest, but not so for Wee Willy Winky, who immediately contacted law enforcement to express his disgust over his tiny shame. He'd spent the equivalent of about $177 U.S. on the magnifying glass, so unless it was super awesome, like with a compass in the handle or something, he probably didn't get his money's worth.

Apparently, this sort of scam isn't uncommon, and also, it's just too precious. Keep in mind if you're ever in the market for Malaysian wiener aids that there's a good chance you're just going to end up alone, broke, and slightly more humiliated than you were when you ordered a shady dick pump.

4
The Skeet Scooter

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If you've never tried a scooter before, you're missing out on the thrill of knowing what it's like to merge locomotion with a vagina. But don't let all that flowery tang imagery fool you; it's still a mostly precision instrument that deserves a tiny amount of respect, but only if you're operating it. If you see one, feel free to laugh.

In Guangdong, China, which you could make a dick joke about all by itself, a man named Yu was on a taxi scooter, because fuck rationality, let's use scooters as taxis and let's put three people on a single one, plus the driver. Anyway, Yu was the last passenger and was afforded the least amount of seat room on what must have been one powerful little scooter with a hell of a lot of moxie to make it move at all. Yu, not just a commuter but a busy perv on the go, pulled out his phone to watch some porn on his ride home. Keep in mind he's sharing a seat with two other humans at this point. So while he's watching some porn on the phone, he's apparently not observing all the safety concerns required on the back of a tiny scooter taxi, since at the very most he was only holding on with one hand. At most.

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"Hey, can you drive over more cobblestones to get that vibration effect?"

The taxi driver hit a bump in the road and Yu was hurled from the back of the scooter like a man distracted by porn being hurled from the back of a scooter. Apparently, the angle of his fall was such that his chubby buddy took the brunt of the blow and the erectile tissue therein was crushed mercilessly. Diagnosis? Busted dick.

Let this be a lesson to all of you who enjoy porn in public: Make sure your penis is wearing a helmet before you go joy-riding about town.

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3
The Sausage Costume

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Deep in the steamy, plump heart of Lincolnshire, England, lies Louth, a tiny town of about 15,000 people, all of them super duper British and full to their knickers with bangers and mash. Louth, as you're no doubt aware, is a great place to get your lips around a famous Lincolnshire sausage. What makes the Lincolnshire sausage so famous? What am I, the sausage whisperer? Ask the queen.

In an effort to celebrate their delicious meaty phalli, the mayor of Louth, a 61-year-old adult woman who has not suffered from missing brain syndrome, elected to dress up in a sausage costume as the Olympic torch was run through town. Sadly, there were no sausage costumes available, so the mayor instead dressed up as an anthropomorphic cock with an eerie, frozen smile and dead eyes. Because it's not exactly a sausage, but it is in the ballpark.

Lincolnshire Echo
It's very happy to see you, and everyone, and everything that was and ever will be.

The word is that this costume is technically a fully legit, real sausage, but, come on. You and I both know what a sentient, man-penis beast would look like, and this is it. This is the thing that has stalked and murdered me in several hundred dreams over the last decade.

Locals, unsurprisingly, didn't take kindly to the mayor's novelty dong costume, but the mayor insists it was just to drum up a little excitement for the local sausage festival, which is exactly the same thing she'd say if it was a cock costume and she could just as easily be telling the truth in either case. So, basically, what I'm saying is: Can anyone in Louth confirm whether or not there's a dick festival in town?

2
The Dong Line

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How do you get around town? Drive your own car? Take a bus? Ride one of your hippie bicycles? Or do you, like so many proud citizens of the city of Toronto, hop on the subway and ride the snake? The snake, in this case, being the proud, subterranean French tickler that sends busy Canadians to and fro and to and fro and to and OH GOD YES!

At some point near the beginning of 2015, the Toronto Transit Commission worked up a helpful transit map for commuters to use to determine whether they were on the shaft, balls, or head of the city's subway system. Since anytime a human sees a dick in the wild we have to take a picture and share it online, the map went viral pretty quickly, spreading across sites like Reddit and Twitter before word finally got back to the TTC, who took a second look at the map and the fact it couldn't look more like a wang if it was dangling between the thighs of that old guy at the Y who never puts a towel on.

CBC
Then they changed their tourism slogan to "Hey, Babe, You Looking For A Good Time?"

The map was removed and presumably replaced with some kind of inexplicably not-cock-shaped map of the same cock-shaped route in defiance of cock shapes and logic everywhere. In fairness, you really could redraw that map and maybe not put an entirely obvious dick head on it, because look at that thing. It's practically winking its one eye at you, daring you to lean in close for a better look before it surprises you with a blinding explosion that leaves you with partial vision in your bloodshot eye for the rest of the evening. Thanks, Toronto. Asshole.

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1
Dick Thigh Tattoo

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There's a fine line one must walk when it comes to hilarious tattoos. Everyone loves a good joke, but a joke tattoo is a joke you have to keep telling for the rest of your life, because it's always there, so you better make sure it's funny. Like, Golden Girls funny.

Stuart Valentino's humorous tattoo did not reach the heights of clever banter between Bea Arthur and Betty White. Instead, it sank to the depths of a floppy cock on his thigh. Valentino got a dick tattooed on his leg, a big, fatty wang hanging down from under the edge of his boxers to just above his knee. Do you get it? Do you get the dick joke? He has a big, slack dick.

Metro
See? Get it? Do you get it?

The punchline of Valentino's joke is that his wife just couldn't get enough of his tattoo and makes him show it off at all family gatherings. Or maybe that's what he thinks when he's alone and drunk and hallucinating about the family he used to have before he got the tattoo. What really happened was that his wife left him. After discovering her husband had the mental fortitude to get shitfaced and tattoo a giant dick on his leg, his wife decided that this in turn ruined their forthcoming family vacation since there was no way Daddy Thigh Dong was going to be taking their 3-year-old daughter out for a swim anywhere.

How did Valentino end up with such a ridiculous tattoo? As a fan of tattoos with a lot of ink already, his wife actually bought him his very own tattoo machine. So, he got drunk and tattooed a dick on himself. And his wife left him and filed for divorce.

In a fun twist, Valentino realized perhaps having a family is better than having a wang tattoo and attempted to win his wife back by having the dong lasered off his leg. Will his romantic gesture work? Time will tell!

Dick jokes! Dick jokes everywhere! They even go as far back as the Bible. See them in 6 Filthy Jokes You Won't Believe Are From The Bible, and try to spot them in 8 Filthy Jokes Hidden In Ancient Works Of Art.

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