#2. Synthol Injections
Movies and magazines have convinced the media to convince me that movies and magazines have convinced me that I need perfect washboard abs and wicked huge biceps to be attractive to women. Or men. Or even pets, really. Pets hate my flabby, untoned frame the way Maury Povich guests hate grammar or human decency. And sure, I could get toned abs and sweet muscles by eating a good diet and using the Chuck Weider home gym, or the Chuck Norris Ab Flabberizer, or the Lou Ferrigno Delt Hulkerizer, but Christ, what a time consumer. Plus I really like eating fried chicken and cake.
Lucky for me there's a quick way to get muscle tone, and that's steroids. But man, you still need to work out, plus your balls turn into capers, and I can't commit to that either. Lucky for me there's also synthol injections. It's like steroids for the super lazy.
Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
"There's steroids? Just push 'em up my bum when I roll over to sleep."
If you want to look huge without being huge, you can just fill out your unhuge spaces with a foreign substance. Maybe sesame oil. Maybe something with lidocaine in it. Whatever the case, it's generally oil-based and was invented as a way to smooth out asymmetries in a body builder's physique. You pump the muscle with oil and, temporarily, it bulges up and you can look the same on the left as you do on the right. Of course, some super freaks get out of hand with it and pump up all over all the time to give themselves these massive, overgrown muscles that look like bulgy, full-body hemorrhoids for no discernible reason, but some folks enjoy that.
The whole synthol thing is a bit of a mockery to real body building, as, competitively, you're not likely to convince anyone your muscles are real, so you're going to lose, and even just personally it kind of makes you look like an idiot. Plus Internet comedians can call you an idiot and it's not like you can fight back because your muscles are fake and repeated injections make your real muscles weaker so eventually you can look like a beast of a human but I can still push you around because you're as weak as a tumescent, greasy kitten, aren't you? Yes you are!
#1. Ass Pads
For many years, the bane of any woman was a fat ass. I don't know if there are scholarly records out there that made note of this so people can confirm what I'm saying, but I really, sincerely remember it. Having a large ass was something women actively wanted to avoid. Then we had a very brief transition period where you were encouraged to love yourself just the way you are. That was about a week long. Then big asses became awesome. It happened sometime around "Jenny from the Block."
As a butt fan myself, I can't complain about this, but I do find it curious that there has been such a shift in ass dynamics that butts of unusual size are not only encouraged and embraced, but fraudulently attained. Just like breast implants, you can get butt implants to have a more robust ass. And, just as with boob cutlets, you can get ass padding to make yourself look, at least at first, like someone with an Amazonian ass.
Plump and juicy.
In my research for this article, which I thoroughly enjoyed and bookmarked, I found a website solely dedicated to making your ass look more appealing. I knew there were panties out there with pads in them, but this was an entire website with a vast product line of ass enhancements. It was like looking for a snack and discovering that your fridge opens a portal to a mystical land of bacon and deep-fried bar food run by unicorns. Unicorns that have perfectly round asses.
Beyond padded undies, this site sells butt bras. I actually paused with my cursor over the button for a fraction of a moment, just wondering if I could guess what was going to be on the other side. It took me to a page full of pictures of asses. The best way I can describe it, since I imagine I can't include full-on ass photos in this article, is like a cupless bra, but for your ass. Your cheeks just poke through and the frame around it lifts it up. It's like an ass harness of some kind.
The site went on with padded panties, booty lifters, butt and hip pads and inserts, adhesive pads cleverly called "sticky buns," and then, at the very end of things -- products for men. Men's underwear padded in both front and back. And this thing.
Go on, strap your man ass into this thing.
Is this the kind of world you want to live in? A world in which you see me sauntering around town and think, "Mmm, I want a slice of that?" only to find out afterward that I'm geared in an ass harness with injectable muscles and an insertable dong pad? Hell no! It's not a world any of us should want.