#2. Public Restroom Sinks That Splash Your Pants With Water
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Experiment: Understanding the Link Between Embarrassment and Appetite Among Men with Visible Urine Stains on Their Brand New Pants
The hypothesis that a human male's dietary preferences will change based on the level of shame he feels was tested in this experiment by installing sinks in 400 restaurant bathrooms designed to splash water on any article of clothing covering an adult man's genitals (heights 5-foot-6 to 6-foot-2). The water stains in each version of the experiment were pronounced and irrefutable, even with an untucking of the shirt, which many of the subjects still attempted. Outside the restroom, strategically planted researchers of both sexes were encouraged to express their discomfort aloud with one of two predetermined exclamations: "Foul! Double dribble" or "I dislike that he peed himself. How do I know he won't pee in my mouth next?" Then detailed records were kept regarding his food order once he returned to the table.
The study indicated that men who have suffered a humiliation are more likely to eat lightly if at all. Thirty percent ate only an appetizer before leaving quickly while 55 percent lost their appetite completely and vacated the restaurant. Also notable were the 4 percent who attempted to overcome their embarrassment by continually calling their dates' attention back to the water stain at every opportunity to prove it wasn't a big deal. Even though it was, it was a big deal for everyone.
These findings may be useful in determining weight loss methods for obese males (heights 5-foot-6 to 6-foot-2) and other people in need of appetite suppression. Also noteworthy, an additional test was implemented in schools with children, and the subjects showed no indication of embarrassment. It's possible the male sense of shame doesn't fully develop until puberty.
#1. All Customer Service Hotline Mazes
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Experiment: The Observable Effects of the Human Voice as It Senses an Injustice from an Automated Voice
Objective: To determine the many pitches of nasally self-righteousness a human voice can achieve when wronged by an inanimate machine. Identifying and classifying the many tones of annoyance is the first step to communicating with orcas and other species that rely on frequencies imperceptible to human ears.
Methods: The data was collected by constructing a call center that consistently misdirects inquiries, deliberately misunderstands voice commands, arbitrarily puts callers on hold, provides misleading menu options, drops calls capriciously, and never actually provides any solutions to even the smallest of problems. Then the service was distributed to every major corporation in the world. All subjects were unaware that they were participants in a study but agreed to the terms when they stayed on the line after being warned that their call will be recorded. All outbursts, rants, tearful screams, furious threats, and helpless entreaties, even while on hold, were documented and saved in the database for analysis. After which, they were played for captive orcas and their reactions documented.
Results: Upon collection of all known frequencies of human voice (including 16 additional frequencies previously thought impossible) over a 25-year period, the orcas showed tremendous interest and worked diligently with humanity to develop a universal language between species. With the new form of communication, whales revealed cures to cancer, AIDS, methamphetamine addictions, and herpes. There is even initial discussion of being honored guests in their underwater cities. All of it possible, thanks to the people who dealt with customer service hotlines.
Conclusion: No, we're messing with you. The orcas hated it. One even figured out how to hang itself. Until the time that more amenable results arise, the study will continue indefinitely.