Science is heartless. E.T., Wolverine, and that writhing Human Centipede have taught us that science treats its living subjects with about as much emotion as an autistic robot. But every experiment, even the most shockingly callous, is performed with the understanding that sacrifices are always worth the cost as long as they are done on behalf of the advancement of knowledge. With that in mind, who could stay mad at science? It's making us better.
You know, in theory.
I am willing to accept almost any inconvenience as long as I can assume that it's all intentional and serving some greater purpose for humanity. With that in mind, I can blame just about every annoyance in my life on a secret science experiment of which I am an unknowing participant, if I try hard enough. So for all those moments when the tiny aggravations pile up into very big aggravations, and it's impossible to believe so much inconvenience could be anything other than intentional, I like to take a minute to let myself believe that maybe it is. I try to imagine the scientific abstract that would preface this horrible experience, and I have a spectacular imagination.
5Starburst Packs Filled with Flavors You Hate
Experiment: Exploring the Connection Between Abundance and Preference as It Applies to "Randomly" Packed Fruit Chews
An index of favorite to least favorite artificial fruit chew flavors was created based on the facial expressions of subjects unwrapping and consuming Starbursts. The study hypothesized that by providing a large quantity of a single flavor Starburst (lemon), even when it is clearly an inferior flavor, will cause a shift in preference among the subjects.
Data was captured from researchers disguised as convenience store clerks, office workers, school classmates, houseplants, and that guy on the train who insisted on taking off his shoes. Additionally, the study ensured that number of the superior "red" Starbursts in a single pack would never, ever exceed or meet the expectations of the test subjects, even when that expectation was tragically low.
Initial analysis was discouraging. Subjects were markedly disappointed each time two or three yellows appeared sequentially in a pack, and outright furious on the one occasion when four appeared sequentially. A small variation of the test also increased the likelihood of orange Starbursts appearing in the pack, but results still showed equal frustration and regret over the purchase from 98 percent of subjects.
Of the 2 percent who, over time, demonstrated an affinity for lemon and orange Starbursts, more substantial testing is necessary. One hundred percent of this subset demonstrated signs of being ugly, awful, and generally dumb assholes.
4Taxi Drivers Who Are Baffled that all Moderately Attractive Women Haven't Been Married Off Yet
Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
Experiment: Determining the Prioritization of Marriage Among Single Females when Confronted by Aggressive Middle Eastern Cabbies
Objective: The study aims to clarify whether the societal benefit of matrimony has been replaced by the pursuit of financial independence among young professional women who ride in taxis. Thanks to the exhaustive studies conducted by the Institute of Well-Meaning But Ultimately Insulting Relatives, a bias clearly exists against the prospect of marriage among affluent urban dwellers. This research will further establish that the role of "wife" has become an outmoded and undesirable cultural position, specifically, for single women in the backs of cabs.
Methods: The findings were gathered by strategically placing researchers in taxis around metropolises, posing as Middle Eastern cab drivers. Each researcher was given a series of prompts he could ask a woman including, "You are so pretty, why aren't you married?" "Tell me, how come you don't want a strong man to love you, beautiful lady?" and "Those hips, you waste them on work instead of children, help me to understand this." The researchers would then discretely catalogue the responses for analysis.
Results: Many of the participants refused to interact beyond the initial prompt, demonstrating irritability with folded arms or window staring. 22 percent of that sample set became flushed in the face and/or "cried some" before the end of the ride. Of the verbal responses, 12 percent were accompanied by pounding on the plastic partition and teeth baring. Other responses included harried explanations of how the timing just isn't right or mumbled admissions that the subject hadn't found any suitable men. Less than 3 percent rolled free from the moving vehicle.
Conclusion: From this research we determined that the majority of single women in the backs of cabs, paradoxically, like the idea of marriage but hate being reminded of its existence. Further testing is necessary to isolate why.