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Sometimes front ways and back ways just aren't enough ways to do sex. I need a constant stream of thrilling new positions to keep things interesting, which is why I regularly check in on all the hot new ways people are inserting themselves within one another at SexInfo101.com -- the Internet's ultimate resource for the silliest GIFs of animated people having sex in ways real people never will and, in some cases, physically cannot.

After even a cursory visit you'll realize the real stars of the site aren't the comically impractical sex positions but the people who talk about them in the comments. There are plenty of people who want to have genuine, thoughtful discussions about these positions. Mostly, though, the comments made me wonder if some of these people are responsible enough to be having sex in the first place.

As I read I started noticing strange patterns in the kinds of comments people posted. I grouped together as many of them as I could.

NOTE: Links are NSFW.

5
The People Who Openly Ask For Sex In The Comment Section

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The overall atmosphere of the comment sections feels like a remedial writers' workshop for erotic romance novelists. The site is sticky with the sexual desires of its user base. Everyone is horny, everyone is talking about the person they can't wait to fuck, and everyone has just or is about to make a soggy mess in their pants while looking at terrible GIFs of sexual positions that I can't post because they're basically porn. This culture of mass stimulation with no immediate release leads to people flat-out asking faceless, nameless strangers on the Internet if they want to have sex:

Commenter: "i'm getting so fucking wet just thinking about this!"

Reply: "Want help over this? ;)"

That's an actual request masquerading as a joke and smoothed over with winky face. People (mostly men, from the looks of it) seem to think that someone talking about sex means they're currently looking for a stranger on the Internet to fuck. There's a leap in logic that can only be explained by intense horniness that gums up the works in their brains. Their heads are a semen slushie that drowns logic and restraint.

Commenter: "oh my fuckingggg lord! i want some man right now to do this to meeee:D:D:D"

Reply: "can i do tht to u"

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That's how you get laid -- by propositioning someone using the sensual spelling and grammatical errors of a child.

One person left a standalone comment that was nothing but a bold-faced request for any and all interested parties:

"I'm not trying to blow your head up, but I can eat some pussy. You can expect to cum fast and hard, and multiple times with my tongue. If you're serious, let's link up. You know how to find me."

Very sad, very desperate men are stripping away the pretense and putting it all out there:

"any girl out there wanna do this to me? PM me"

In the hope that some equally desperate sewer dweller crawls from the depths of her 100-year sleep longing to find a mate in a comment section.

Commenter: "Looks fun................but uncomfortable at the same time."

Reply: "Maybe you would like to try it with someone?"

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The attempts at picking up women in a comment section reached their pinnacle with one person, the only commenter I will specifically name: sir ramsalot. I'm sure sir ramsalot earned his (or her, to be fair, but c'mon -- it's a him) knighthood as a result of a life-long commitment to good deeds, helping the less fortunate, and lots of grade-A puss ramming, but he's not without fault, as seen in his reply to another, also honorable commenter:

Commenter: "wen im reely drunk my bf dus this wiv me, n sumtimes we like to pretend hes raping me cus it just makes it sooo much better ;)"

To which the usually honorable sir ramsalot replied:

il rape you for real :D ...

I know I shouldn't, but that open-mouthed smiley face is just so trustworthy.

4
People Seeking Advice But Asking For It Like They've Been Kidnapped

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Like I said earlier, the SexInfo101 comment sections are filled with a crazed eagerness. Dozens of comments left me wondering if the person typing them was sitting there with a deflating boner and a girlfriend slowly losing patience as they await a response to a question that will never be answered.

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"For the love of God, can someone just tell me which hole I have to pee in to make babies?!?!?"

This led to comments that seem like they aren't being presented in the proper context:

Nice position but it seems uncomfortable for ma gf. Ma gurl has ass so when im trynna fuck her ass alwaus gets in the way in my dick slips out. Now ma dick is 6in is it too small? Help anyone

That's a prisoner's "Help Me!" note scribbled in rat blood and flown to civilization on the back of a pigeon, not someone seeking advice on dick slippage.

There were so many comments written in the manic tones of desperation, so many people for whom sex was a bomb, the timer was winding down, and they need to know if they cut the blue or green wire.

Any fun ideas or position suggestions to fulfill my needs of being dominated?? Help!

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"So much semen SEND CHOPPERS!"

They're the words smeared in human feces on office building windows in zombie movies. Don't go near it. It's a trap. That room is filled with healthy humans, but they'll still eat you.

listen if anybody has advice of how to get my bf to do nit wit me but he doesnt want to get me pregnet so he wont do it wit me

help

That was typed from within a moist containment pit in a psycho's basement.

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3
People Who Have No One To Do These Positions With

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"I can't wait to try this!" is an example of a recurring theme in the comments. I'd expect to see people expressing their excitement over these positions. Sex is fun. We should get excited over a new way to do it.

But there's a flip-side to that kind of response. Or, rather, a grim continuation of it.

"haha, I can't watch these videos anymore. It makes me wish I had someone to try these positions with...eh"

One after another, commenters expressed interest in the positions but lamented that they were the loneliest, most sexless people on Earth and couldn't convince someone to fuck them if they had genitals that spit out winning lottery tickets when they came.

"I've never had a blowjob before, I feel like im missing out"

It's sad puppies staring through the pet store windows. They want to know the loving touch of a person, but every new day denies them that simple joy. So they watch two creepy animated weirdos on a website about sex positions bang on each other in ways both lurid and divine as they pine for the moment they'll be called up from the minor leagues of virginity into the Big Show, where everyone is plowing each other in geometrical configurations previously unknown to mathematicians and chiropractors alike.

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You can't really tell, but these ladies are cumming buckets.

It's men:

"I would love to try this on a girl"

It's women:

"no one has eaten me out. and it drives me nuts, hopefully soon."

It's teens whose parents have no idea how to secure their child's browser:

"i like this when i'm older i'm going to find a girl to do all the sex positions on"

No matter how sad your sex life is, at least you didn't write about it on the Internet and include the word "sigh" like a bad actor reading the character action in a script:

"I want to try this so bad, I just love touching all over a hot girls body. Sigh being single sucks sometimes."

2
People Talking About The Kind Of Dick A Man Would Need To Pull Off A Position

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Some of the positions on the site aren't practical. Or reasonable. They were created by Nazi scientists to see how long it would take before test subjects gave up on procreating altogether. But so what? Some people are strong enough and have a spare sexual pull-up bar in their living room. Some like the unpleasant positions because they're training themselves to cum one last time in case they're ripped apart by lions. They're more into the idea of sex being a gauntlet of confusing mechanisms with poorly written directions. And that's fine for them.

For most it's missionary and doggy -- the default car stereo settings people are too scared to mess with. It's the comments of those everyday, meat-and-potatoes folks that were the best to come across when flipping between the positions that look like they require a lot of careful, strenuous movements like Chinese acrobats twisting themselves into a 30-man pretzel balanced on a tennis ball.

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Lots of holes to choose, but only one doesn't topple the Jenga tower of genitals.

Mixed in with the "OMFG HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!?!" comments were people trying to imagine the type of dick a man would need to pull off such a death-defying feat of sexual daredevilry.

"Your dick needs to be an acrobat to do this."

That comment was in reference to the ex sex position. I can't post the GIF of it in action, but I can describe it in detail so vivid you'll think you were doing it for real and you'll feel like an idiot:

It's missionary but spun around, and the man is penetrating the woman with his penis bent downwards, probably bent to just before its snapping point, while his face is on the polar opposite of the woman's and his face is buried in the bed, and the whole time the woman is treated to a grand view of her man's bouncing, furry asshole. It looks like someone found out about sex by being the last person in 100-man game of telephone and then was told to simulate sex with two Barbie dolls.

"You'd have to have a boomerang dick in order for this to be remotely enjoyable."

That one is in reference to the twisted doggy position. The woman is in that type of doggy style where her (face) cheek is smushed on the ground and her (ass) cheeks are way up in the air, making a dangerous Alpine ski slope out of the space between her ass crack and first vertebra. The man, again having to bend his hardened dick downward, is facing away from the woman as he thrusts, which makes it look like their buttholes are pop kissing over and over.

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Kind of like this.

Nature never intended men to fuck while jumping up and down and dipping our penises into vaginas like they're meaty golf ball cleaners.

"Is that not impossible? Unless the guy has a huge, very bendy penis and balls made of steel? The pic looks like when guys tuck it behind to look like women..."

That one was in response to the brute, the most bizarre sex position SexInfo101 has to offer.

The woman is in that type of Missionary where her legs are folded onto her stomach and chest as the man brutally plows her like fiery death raining from above, except that he's backwards (again), he's fucking her with his dick pointed down like a divining rod (again), and his ass is bouncing on her hamstrings the way a woman would if she were doing reverse cowgirl with the man on the bottom.

It's sex for the criminally insane. It's just an excuse for men to consensually rub their buttholes on a woman's belly button. It takes so much painstaking collaboration from both participants, it should be used as an office team-building exercise.

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1
Great Comments I Couldn't Turn Into A Full Entry

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Most of the comments are the primal urges of sex being verbalized. Short, direct, not particularly well thought out, riddled with errors, in a rush to be expressed, and in a rush to reach the point of it all. Sometimes this passion led to comments I couldn't quite turn into an entry but still warrant examination. Here come some of those comments now:

I have never got off from getting head! Probably just the girls I have been with or the fact I have a above average penis :(

What an asshole.

There was a comment posted on a blowjob position that began with a warning: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SQUEMISH.

Oh, well, if you insist:

Tried this ONCE with my gf. She has a diastema; a small gap between her two front teeth. It's very cute.

Anyways, it felt really great and incredible... until my dorsal vein got caught in her gap.

Yup.... not doing that one again

Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images

I'm a little naive. Can someone tell me exactly how this position is advantageous?

Hold on. Let me organize these PowerPoint slides.

Seriously this position is the very best for building up that squirting juice in your lady...

I wonder if during the birds-and-the-bees talk, this person's father described sex as "squirting juice in your lady." What if squirting juice in your lady is the only way this person was ever taught to refer to sex? That's a horror movie plot.

There was a type of interaction between commenters that made the site feel like it was run by a first-generation comment AI designed to reward people with pre-fab courtesy replies so they don't feel alone in the world. I logged only one instance here, but it happened a ton.

A person mentioned that a position called folded deck chair was perfect for thrusting. He/she ended it with a little joke:

I'm willing to conduct this research with any willing partners and we can post our theoretical findings here.

Physics ftw!!!!!!!

And then the reply:

lol that was such an enthusiastic comment. interesting too! ^_^

That comment is inappropriate. That reply would be perfect if the original comment were a playfully worded geology fun fact. Did you know mountains are when the ground gets goosebumps! LOL! Crazy, right!?

There has to be a Pakistani building filled with people getting paid 2 cents an hour to write replies just as cognitively and emotionally disconnected as this one all over the site.

When a girl farts during sex what does that mean ?

According to the ancient Chinese, a female's fart during sex brings good fortune for the coming harvest.

Kevin Forest/Photodisc/Getty Images
"May we harvest this land when the winds break and the female buttocks shake."

This one's another comment and a reply. First, the comment:

saw it in a clip that a man put an apple in the woman's pussy and a banana to her ass...the man ate the banana when the girl was pooping the banana

And now, the reply:

what was the clip called?

wanted to see it....

The person replying acts like they saw a trailer for Apple In Pussy, Banana In Ass at the movie theater before watching the new Mission: Impossible. They see the billboard for it every day going to work. It's in every commercial break during football games. At this point they just hope it lives up to the hype.

Luis is bruting everything that moves. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter and Tumblr.

For more uses and misuses of an ancient book about boning check out 7 Kama Sutra Sex Tips That Will Put You In The Hospital and the modern day version (Cosmopolitan Magazine) is just as bad in 7 Sex Tips From Cosmo That Will Put You In The Hospital.

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