Sometimes front ways and back ways just aren't enough ways to do sex. I need a constant stream of thrilling new positions to keep things interesting, which is why I regularly check in on all the hot new ways people are inserting themselves within one another at SexInfo101.com -- the Internet's ultimate resource for the silliest GIFs of animated people having sex in ways real people never will and, in some cases, physically cannot.
After even a cursory visit you'll realize the real stars of the site aren't the comically impractical sex positions but the people who talk about them in the comments. There are plenty of people who want to have genuine, thoughtful discussions about these positions. Mostly, though, the comments made me wonder if some of these people are responsible enough to be having sex in the first place.
As I read I started noticing strange patterns in the kinds of comments people posted. I grouped together as many of them as I could.
NOTE: Links are NSFW.
5The People Who Openly Ask For Sex In The Comment Section
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The overall atmosphere of the comment sections feels like a remedial writers' workshop for erotic romance novelists. The site is sticky with the sexual desires of its user base. Everyone is horny, everyone is talking about the person they can't wait to fuck, and everyone has just or is about to make a soggy mess in their pants while looking at terrible GIFs of sexual positions that I can't post because they're basically porn. This culture of mass stimulation with no immediate release leads to people flat-out asking faceless, nameless strangers on the Internet if they want to have sex:
Commenter: "i'm getting so fucking wet just thinking about this!"
Reply: "Want help over this? ;)"
That's an actual request masquerading as a joke and smoothed over with winky face. People (mostly men, from the looks of it) seem to think that someone talking about sex means they're currently looking for a stranger on the Internet to fuck. There's a leap in logic that can only be explained by intense horniness that gums up the works in their brains. Their heads are a semen slushie that drowns logic and restraint.
Commenter: "oh my fuckingggg lord! i want some man right now to do this to meeee:D:D:D"
Reply: "can i do tht to u"
That's how you get laid -- by propositioning someone using the sensual spelling and grammatical errors of a child.
One person left a standalone comment that was nothing but a bold-faced request for any and all interested parties:
"I'm not trying to blow your head up, but I can eat some pussy. You can expect to cum fast and hard, and multiple times with my tongue. If you're serious, let's link up. You know how to find me."
Very sad, very desperate men are stripping away the pretense and putting it all out there:
"any girl out there wanna do this to me? PM me"
In the hope that some equally desperate sewer dweller crawls from the depths of her 100-year sleep longing to find a mate in a comment section.
Commenter: "Looks fun................but uncomfortable at the same time."
Reply: "Maybe you would like to try it with someone?"
The attempts at picking up women in a comment section reached their pinnacle with one person, the only commenter I will specifically name: sir ramsalot. I'm sure sir ramsalot earned his (or her, to be fair, but c'mon -- it's a him) knighthood as a result of a life-long commitment to good deeds, helping the less fortunate, and lots of grade-A puss ramming, but he's not without fault, as seen in his reply to another, also honorable commenter:
Commenter: "wen im reely drunk my bf dus this wiv me, n sumtimes we like to pretend hes raping me cus it just makes it sooo much better ;)"
To which the usually honorable sir ramsalot replied:
il rape you for real :D ...
I know I shouldn't, but that open-mouthed smiley face is just so trustworthy.
4People Seeking Advice But Asking For It Like They've Been Kidnapped
Like I said earlier, the SexInfo101 comment sections are filled with a crazed eagerness. Dozens of comments left me wondering if the person typing them was sitting there with a deflating boner and a girlfriend slowly losing patience as they await a response to a question that will never be answered.
"For the love of God, can someone just tell me which hole I have to pee in to make babies?!?!?"
This led to comments that seem like they aren't being presented in the proper context:
Nice position but it seems uncomfortable for ma gf. Ma gurl has ass so when im trynna fuck her ass alwaus gets in the way in my dick slips out. Now ma dick is 6in is it too small? Help anyone
That's a prisoner's "Help Me!" note scribbled in rat blood and flown to civilization on the back of a pigeon, not someone seeking advice on dick slippage.
There were so many comments written in the manic tones of desperation, so many people for whom sex was a bomb, the timer was winding down, and they need to know if they cut the blue or green wire.
Any fun ideas or position suggestions to fulfill my needs of being dominated?? Help!
"So much semen SEND CHOPPERS!"
They're the words smeared in human feces on office building windows in zombie movies. Don't go near it. It's a trap. That room is filled with healthy humans, but they'll still eat you.
listen if anybody has advice of how to get my bf to do nit wit me but he doesnt want to get me pregnet so he wont do it wit me
That was typed from within a moist containment pit in a psycho's basement.