You know where it really sucks to be a woman on the Internet, besides, like, BroBible and the comments section of articles on sexual assault? Dating websites. Well, to be fair, the last long-term relationship I had started through OkCupid, so there's that. To be fairer, it still wasn't that great, and, even worse, I had to sift through hundreds of bullshit sexist messages from the biggest creeps on Earth before it happened.
That doesn't mean no good should come of it all, though. With that in mind, I went through all my old messages to find examples of the most heinous comments I've received over the years. One $10 plastic handle of vodka later, I only hope someone learns something. Here are a few of the messages dudes need to stop sending on dating sites.
5"Sex? ;)" Messages
Sending me a message blatantly asking for sex makes me as dry as I imagine doing the cinnamon challenge with my vagina would. Fuck, I'd rather actually do the cinnamon challenge with my vagina than fuck you. You're all welcome for that image.
And this one, I suppose.
I can already hear someone in the comments going, "Well, at least he's being honest!" and I think that person is under the impression that women get flowery messages from dudes who are pretending to care about who we are as a person, all with the secret intent of tricking us into fucking them. That has never happened. It's mostly just all gross.
At least a third of the messages I get (and ignore) are of the "do you want to have sex?" variety. And here's the thing -- I'm on a fucking dating website. I am hoping to go on a date and ideally to get all up in someone's emotional and/or genital space at some point after that. Just because I am open to dating/sex doesn't mean you get to stop talking to me like I'm a real person.
It's the same "well, you clearly want attention!" bullshit that women get all the time. OK, and my counter argument is going to be squeezing your junk like that creep from the Shamwow infomercials while exclaiming, "Well, you clearly wanted me to touch your dick so here I am!!!" Don't fucking sell yourselves short; y'all are smarter than that.
Or at least smarter than this guy.
Women have been saying this forever, but catcalling is not flattering, and it is certainly not attractive -- why would the OkCupid version of that be any different? If you can't have a conversation that doesn't revolve around your dick, then you need to do some remedial social education or something.
Also, quick side note: I get a few messages every year asking me if I'd like to have sex on a boat. Stop. Don't do that. I watch Investigation Discovery too. I am less impressed with your boat than I am worried about the fact that you could totally kill me and get rid of my body without anyone ever knowing.
As terrifying as his username may be, at least the dude in the above message had the decency to not get freaky right away. This guy, on the other hand ...
... not so much.
Now is the time for all Cracked readers who complain about my swearing to get their dicks nice and hard on their high fucking horses, because FetLife-esque messages are the fucking worst, and I can't talk about it without throwing out enough curse words that I'd go broke if someone slipped a swear jar in front of me.
Look, unless you give me a reason to, I don't give a fuck about the way you want to tinkertoy your dick with someone else's genitals, but there is a time and a place for everything. No one wants to hear about what revs your dick up on the first date. Park that shit in a garage until at least the third date like a normal person, goddamn.
If you're looking to base an entire relationship around some kink, go to FetLife and leave me the fuck alone. If you don't know what FetLife is, stop lying and go to FetLife already. Just because you're online doesn't mean the basic rules of social interaction suddenly don't apply. If you came up to me in public purring about wanting to be my daddy, I would mace you so fast that you'd be clawing your own eyes out while wondering what in your fairy tale age-play life went wrong.
I use the cute kind, though.
Let me tell you right now -- it went wrong the second you asked some random woman to call you daddy. You can purr right up your own asshole with that shit. Y'all need 50 shades of Jesus and some sensitivity training.
One guy who I kindly told to get the fuck away from me with his slave fantasy protested that FetLife wasn't as well-known so a lot of people were "resorting" to OkCupid. Fine. Here ya go -- FetLife exists! Go do your power play and your vore and all that shit over there, and stop "resorting" to asking young women to be your sex slaves. Your fetish doesn't take precedent over a woman's right not to fucking deal with that shit.