#2. The Shit Show
The video of a farmer who discovered that his wife had a profile on a dating site for farmers went viral at the beginning of 2013, which means everyone who watched it now has polio. In the video, the man shows his wife's profile on KissingGates.com, the most terribly named site this side of AnalBumInspector.com. Also, why "gates"? What the fuck does that even mean? Was "FarmDate" too complex? "BumpkinBoning" too esoteric?
After perusing her profile, the man goes outside, loads up a tractor full of horse shit, and dumps it into his wife's prized convertible before again mentioning why you probably shouldn't be using a site like KissingGates.com to meet people, you filthy, stanky harpy. Then we all have a good laugh and/or consider how it is that we, as a people, evolved to the point where we react to such things by filling each others' cars with literal shit.
Soon after the video appeared, speculation began circulating that it was in fact a viral ad campaign thought up by the makers of KissingGates.com. How do we convince people to use our site? Maybe ... can we convince them they'll get caught and have their valuable possessions destroyed by a jealous partner? Good plan!
I'm not saying this video is not an ad (which I refuse to refer to as "viral" because it's a shitty, meaningless buzz term that people on morning news shows use without having even the slightest idea what it means). I'm just saying that if it is an ad, it fucking sucks. This is like Pringles trying to make you by chips by telling you you'll get your hand stuck in the can and have to get it surgically removed if you buy them. This is like Spirit Airlines running a commercial that actually shows how terrible their service is while still expecting you to fly them. It's like a hooker showing you pictures of what your infection will look like once it's in full-blown gross mode before you actually pork.
Getty Images/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"... and this here is what that burning feeling around your butthole looks like!"
I like to think this video is legit, because as a revenge video it's pretty great -- it's just several hundred pounds of literal shit in a car. That was hilarious in Back to the Future, and it's hilarious here.
This is as good a place as any to also bring up billboards, which surely someone was going to comment on eventually, something witty like "Hey Felix, what about the wife who paid for a billboard to out her cheating husband? That was a humdinger!" Humdinger it was, good reader, but alas, the ding it hummed was too good to be true. Turns out all those billboards you've heard about are straight-up lies. The most famous one, from a wife named Jennifer in Greensboro, North Carolina, was an ad for a yogurt place. A yogurt place.
Listen, I don't eat a lot of yogurt, and I don't understand the motivation behind going out for yogurt. If I need yogurt, I'll buy some at the store and eat it and it'll be vaguely satisfying. But the people who go out for yogurt are apparently all like "Look, infidelity! Let's have yogurt!" or something. I have no idea. Also, if it doesn't mention yogurt, how the hell does it sell yogurt? Doesn't a viral ad campaign need to make some kind of sense? At all? At least the poop one was for a relevant website.
#1. Glue Penis
Sometimes a man wakes up one morning and thinks, "I absolutely cannot wait to do the humpy-jumpy with each and every woman I meet from now on." This is a terrible thought. Well, not always. But say you're a married father and your wife is no longer one of those humpees. And also maybe she's got a bit of a temper. Oh, that temper.
So Donessa Davis, a man with a curiously effeminate name, thought it would be best for him to put ads on Craigslist advertising his desire to ram his penis into things, notably lady inlets. Up to five women answered him, and they would meet at motels and most likely discuss the works of Luce Irigaray and sample artisanal cheese. Just kidding, they wiped their genitals on each others' faces and probably drank Pabst, the only food allowed in most motels.
Davis' wife discovered that her husband had been giving out rides on the baloney pony and took offense to this. Rather than confronting her husband directly, however, she contacted the women he'd been meeting, because apparently Davis had all the Internetting skills of a frontier-era prospector and had no idea how to keep his dalliances private.
"My Hotmail password was 1234, how did she crack it?"
After speaking with the women Davis had been shtooping, a plot was hatched. One of them contacted Davis to arrange a meeting. I like to think he was giddily anticipating some grunting and rutting about on sheets of suspect cleanliness while he met up with her and allowed her to both shackle and blindfold him. It was at this point that two more women he'd been seeing were invited into the room, and he probably realized something was afoot. And around the time they began to superglue his penis to his stomach, he was probably wishing he'd just gone home and watched a rerun of Big Bang Theory.
As you might expect, this kind of thing is illegal, so the women were arrested and charged with false imprisonment, and one also got a sexual assault and battery charged tossed in for punching him in the face, plus that penis gluing incident. Davis himself had to go to the hospital, where they busted out the Jaws of Life or whatever it is that detaches one's shlong from one's stomach in times of need. And he probably also learned a very valuable lesson.