It's not easy being a cop. While firemen reap all the praise, pose in calendars, play Xbox all day, and give mouth-to-mouth to sexy coeds (oh, right, in addition to occasionally fighting fires), police officers are often the subject of derision and scorn. But obviously law enforcers are vital if we want to live in a society where pesky things like rape, murder, and double-parking don't occur with The Purge-level frequency. And many of them are willing to put up with all the abuse and annoyances out of a sense of duty to their fellow humans.
So imagine how frustrating it must be when they run across organized groups of half-cocked, wannabe, do-gooding amateurs like ...
5The Masonic Police
When a man identifying himself as the chief of the Masonic Fraternal Police Department attempted to schedule a meeting with Los Angeles-area law enforcement officials earlier this year, it raised several questions. The foremost of which was: What the fuck are the Masonic Police?
I hope they drive tiny Shriner-sized police cars and/or secretly control the world!
Intrigued, Captain Roosevelt Johnson of the Santa Clarita Valley Sheriff's Office actually took this mysterious "chief" up on his offer and wound up in a meeting with three individuals: David Henry, Tonette Hayes, and Brandon Kiel. Seeing as Henry was an Emmy Award-winning TV producer, Hayes a minister, and Kiel an aide to the goddamn state attorney general, maybe the trio initially came off as somewhat legit. But when Captain Johnson saw that two of them were dressed in official-looking police uniforms (that were adorned with patches that bore no resemblance to any recognized agency in the known universe), the red flags started to unfurl. And after the trio haughtily announced to him that they were moving their operation into the area, said flags began flapping like someone left the window open during typhoon season. Long story short, the three were arrested for impersonating police officers. Yet the question remained: What the cockamamie fuck are the Masonic Police?
It appears that Henry, Hayes, and Kiel all firmly believed that they really were law enforcement officers, despite having absolutely no credentials whatsoever. Well, at least none that the actual authorities (or anyone in their right mind, for that matter) would consider to be based in reality. As self-proclaimed descendants of the Knights Templar, they were under the impression that their "police" organization originated 3,000 years ago and that they were well within their rights to possess the multitude of badges, uniforms, marked cars, and weapons that turned up after numerous search warrants were issued. They also claimed to have jurisdiction in 33 states and Mexico, with 33 coincidentally being the magic Illuminati number of the Order Of Ascension in the Scottish Rites Of Freemasonry. I'm sure that I don't need to dwell on how pretty much all of that is a gigantic pile of donkey cock. But feel free to use this shithouse-rat-crazy website for reference.
Supreme Sovereign Grand Master David Henry X
But, more importantly, who is he wearing????
All of the accused turned out to be members of the lavishly named Masonic temple Sir Briley's Knights Of Luxor Knights Templars Grand Lodge AASR. "Chief" Henry (who also goes by the humble title of Absolute Supreme Sovereign Grandmaster Henry 32 33 X) also led something called the Political And Clergy Council Organization, which he founded because, and I quote:
"The church, politicians, and the lawmakers have let the people down. The communities feel they are not being heard. So I consider this organization as an order from God given only to me."
Supreme Sovereign Grand Master David Henry X
If the clothing makes the man, this guy may actually need more "supremes" in his title.
OK, it's nice that he wanted to help out, even if that did come off as a little maniacal, in a megalo kind of way. And, after all, why should someone like him and his pals be expected to lower themselves by taking a civil service exam, attending a police academy, or having any knowledge of the justice system at all, for that matter? We're talking about people who have said, on the record, "We are born into this organization. Our bloodlines go deeper than an application. This is more than a job; it is an obligation."
And further justification for their God-given legal authority is right there on their typo-ridden website (which sadly appears to have been removed from public view), which explains, "The Masonic Fraternal Organization is the oldest and most respected organization in the 'World.' ... When asked what is the difference between The Masonic Fraternal Police Department and other Police Departments the answer is simple for us. We were here first!"
Studies have shown that for every bearded man in a top hat in the background
of a press conference, public scrutiny is reduced by 38 percent.
He makes a strong argument, to be sure, and I can only hope that the title of "Absolute Supreme Sovereign Grandmaster" at least gets him a discount at the prison commissary.
4The American Police Force
When the city leaders of Hardin, Montana, agreed in 2006 to have a massive prison facility installed right on their doorstep, the locals hoped that the decision would create a boomtown effect, by transforming their small community into the Guantanamo Bay of Big Sky country. But after borrowing $27 million to construct the Two Rivers Regional Correctional Facility, years passed without them receiving a single Gitmo detainee, or even a passing drifter with a speech impediment, to lock up behind the shiny new bars of their expensive penal debacle. Due to issues both legal and political, the new jail was a bust. And after a failed attempt in 2008 to turn the place into housing for sex offenders, the future looked bleak indeed.
Larry Mayer/Billings Gazette
Though not as bleak as what would likely happen to countless buttholes
during a prison riot at a place like that.
Fast-forward to 2009, and enter the American Police Force, a Blackwater-style private company that promised to end Hardin's woes by offering to staff the prison and get the whole operation up and running. As a bonus, they also vowed to provide computers to local schools, as well as a number of other civic-minded endeavors, while they populated the prison by unspecified means. Soon, with the blessing of local civic leaders, black Mercedes SUVs began rolling into town, all of them bearing "Hardin Police Department" logos and filled with scary-looking dudes with guns. Soon they began setting up checkpoints, issuing "remain calm, citizen"-type statements via a spokesman, and pretty much fulfilling every "one world government" conspiracy theorist's wet fantasy.
American Police Force
Along with those of every Police surplus store owner in the tri-county area.
But while the APF may not have been the leading shock troops for an armed, Obama-led, usurpation-by-force of our Constitutional right to attend Hank Williams Jr. concerts, the whole scenario was most certainly pretty goddamn strange. But the locals were desperate to have something to show for the fact that they had just spent a fortune on an empty jail, and some of them initially seemed willing to overlook the fact that they were dealing with what were, by all appearances, some seriously shady motherfuckers. And while I wouldn't want to label everyone who lives in Hardin as a doe-eyed, gullible rube, check out this news report where a guy from the economic development board sounds about as savvy as Jerry Lundegaard from Fargo.
First of all, there was no such thing as a Hardin Police Department. The APF just sort of slapped a sticker on their cars without any authorization whatsoever. And while their website claimed years of experience, with the U.S. government as their biggest client, the company had in fact been in existence for only a matter of months, and there was mysteriously no record of them whatsoever within the federal contractor database. The website also provided a phone number by which to reach their headquarters in Washington, D.C., which tended to yield responses of the "What the hell are you talking about?" variety.
But all of that's just small potatoes, considering that the person running the entire show was a man named "Michael Hilton." And the reason "Michael Hilton" has those quotes around his name is that he was actually an immigrant from the former Republic of Yugoslavia with an extensive list of aliases, all of them sounding like notes from a brainstorming session to come up with the next James Bond villain. Not only was Hilton, also known as (let's pick the scariest-sounding name from the list) Midrag Ilia Dokovitch, an international con man with prior convictions for fraud, theft, a Super Bowl commemorative coin scheme, and DUI, he'd already spent time in jail for ... wait for it ... diverting funds. You know, kind of like the monorail episode from The Simpsons. Or, better yet, like convincing a bunch of yokels to hand over their town to your fake private police force.
Larry Mayer/Billings Gazette
They should have known something was up after the first meeting,
when he swiveled his chair around slowly while stroking a white Persian cat.
When all this eventually came to light, American Police Force suddenly decided to "withdraw the offer" and fled into the night, while their locally hired, presumably highly paid spokesperson, Becky Shay, remained behind in a Baghdad Bob capacity to deny all wrongdoing. I'm presuming she was highly paid because she reportedly left her job at the Billings Gazette and went to work for the APF, all in the space of 24 hours, and coincidentally right after filing two reports on the situation in Hardin. Shay claims to have only received a signing bonus and a laptop computer for her efforts, and she currently works as a crime analyst back in Billings. Sure, she may be just another victim of Hilton/Dokovitch/Blofeld Jr.'s scams. But with her resume, I also have to assume that she may be somewhere in line for the next anchor position at NBC.