We live in a hell of an age. If I get hungry at 3 a.m., within minutes I can find a burger, a pizza, a shawarma, and probably 100 other things, including a meth sandwich and a hooker who makes her own artisanal peanut butter sex garnish. And if I get sick, I can probably find Tylenol or cough syrup at Adam's house.
But is it so simple for the rest of the world? No, especially if you don't have thumbs. Or, if you do have thumbs but you're still just a monkey. Indeed, if you're an animal, you're kind of screwed even when it comes to the most basic ailments. Not just because you can't buy a Viagra when you're a capybara with a hankering to bury your capy in a lady's bara but the plumbing just isn't working. No, you're mostly screwed because you also have to endure the embarrassment of looking completely ridiculous with even the simplest of conditions.
#5. Bald Chimps
skeeze / pixabay
No one likes going bald. One in 100 people look good when they're bald, and that's pretty much just Captain Picard and Jason Statham in the world right now. That works out to one in 100, right? Whatever, I didn't take engineering in school -- I focused on the manly arts, like recess and skullduggery. But baldness in a human is infinitely more tolerable than a bald chimp. Look at this video:
Two bald-ass chimpanzees having a fight with some hairy dudes. And a chimp fight on its own is pretty frightening, because a chimp can and will turn your skull into a salad bowl in no time before ripping your arms from your torso and making you into an impromptu meat canoe, but a bald chimp? Fuck. It looks like Verne Troyer bulked up on bovine growth hormone and filled his ball sack with saline in some kind of weird tribal ritual to intimidate the rest of mankind. And it worked like a damn charm too, because you wouldn't dare make a Mini-Me joke around this beast.
brummigem / YouTube
Lest he crush all of your bones into a mini pile of fine powder.
Any bald human has endless options to deal with baldness. "Endless" being about four. You have four options. You can wear a wig, you can wear a hat, you can buy some Rogaine or other related hair growth slime, or you can get hair-replacement surgery. Now you're looking like Fabio. A chimp's only option is to maybe fashion a poop hat. Then, after trying on the poop hat, go back to that ripped-arm-torso boat I mentioned before.
#4. Horse Hemorrhoids
Pexels / pixabay
I had to fight with Editorial about including a photo of this. My position was that it's integral to fully understanding just how insane this issue is. Their position was that the photo is an abject nightmare of grossness. I agree that, yes, it looks like a horse has somehow grown a beefsteak tomato inside its own asshole, but the world needs to see it for the same reason everyone shared "2 Girls 1 Cup" a few years back. They wanted to know why I'd made wallet-sized prints of that tomato-like asshole. I said, "What's that!" and pointed across the room as a distraction before I ran away. In the end, I think we all agreed the picture is grossly hilarious, but instead of using it we'll just show you an actual beefsteak tomato.
stux / pixabay
Be sure to point out this uncanny similarity to everyone you meet at the salad bar. Fun!
Now, your average hemorrhoid is a real pain in the ass. Eh? Eh? Anyway, it's unpleasant and annoying, but hey, sometimes your inner ass explodes into the outside world and you need to buy Preparation H. Now imagine you're a horse, and instead of hands you have this useless hoof that can't spread ointment anywhere. And instead of a decent, human-sized ass, you have a big ol' horse crapper under your tail that's the size of a laundry chute so that when you pop out a vein it looks like (say it with me) a beefsteak tomato in your asshole.
jarmoluk / pixabay
The worst is when they split open, uncontrollably oozing all over the place. Anyone for salsa?
I think a vet can fix this with relative ease, and by "relative" I mean they probably need to glove up and go elbow deep into the vastness of a horse's crap factory, but that's neither here nor there. Just imagine your own shame if you had to wait until someone took a look at your asshole on a whim one day, outside, and noticed it was bulging obscenely and then felt moved to consult with a professional about it on your behalf. That's one hell of a personal low.
#3. Pug Conjunctivitis
Unsplash / pixabay
Pink eye is gross at the best of times. Did you see Bob Costas when he had pink eye? It looked like someone had slapped him in the eyeball with a dirty dick. He had dink eye.
NBCUniversal Television Group
The NY Post blamed Botox, because you can't work in old media unless
you think all readers are complete morons.
In animals they call it conjunctivitis because it's more dignified, and you need that dignity because it looks so much worse. Consider the hapless pug -- the pug came to Europe from Asia sometime in the 16th century. Monks used to keep them as pets in monasteries, and they were known to be the pets of Chinese royalty and high society. In Europe, the pug became the official symbol of the House Of Orange after a pug saved the life of the prince of Orange in 1572. They're squat little fellows with kick-ass dog smiles and bulgy eyes. They're walking piles of ugdorable, perpetually the cutest, ugliest thing you ever saw.
Until one gets conjunctivitis.
Toa Payoh Vets
Milo And Otis 2: Adventures In Bad Botox.
A pug with conjunctivitis looks like the height of late-1980s horror movie monster effects. A mixture of animatronics and expertly developed fluids meant to mimic living effluence, it's a 10-pound waking nightmare with a curly cue of a tail. Gone is the snuffly little mug that could hop on your lap and lick your face, instead replaced with the grim visage of a torn anus with a nose and a smile that drools too much.
I assume a vet has drops for this or pills you have to hide in tiny pieces of hot dog so your silly beast will be fooled into taking them. Until that time, though, suffer the fate of trying to pretend your glurpy-eyed critter is still cute.