5 Staples Of Wisdom That Need To Be Retired

Aphorisms are all those fun little sayings we use to live our lives. Some are incredibly practical, such as "Don't kill the goose that lays the golden eggs," which we all use each morning when deciding which of our many geese to kill. Others are a little dated, and although you can still see the intent behind them, they're now of limited relevance. A saying like "Don't count your chickens before they've hatched" is now essentially meaningless with today's modern chicken-counting smartphones.

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Hard to believe we all used to have to do this by hand before bed every night.

But there are some old sayings that could never have made any sense, whether because they describe a situation that could never exist or because they have such a simplistic view of the world that they're completely impractical. These sayings should never have been invented in the first place, and it's only thanks to the work of people with head injuries and hack writers that they've survived to this day.

So, on behalf of people with head injuries and hack writers, I'd like to apologize and begin the long process of rolling some of these back.

#5. "The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread"

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What It's Supposed To Mean:

That we're talking about a really great thing, one of the best things humanity has ever managed, something almost but not quite as good as the shining pinnacle of human accomplishment: sliced bread.

What It Actually Means:

Sliced bread was invented in 1928, which is a little before my time, so I can't say for sure how people reacted to it. I guess it was, like, pandemonium? Fistfights in the streets, with people all stepping on each other's necks to get their hands on this miracle of the modern age, sliced bread. "No longer must we live in the darkness!" they shouted, voices as one.

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Is this what bread lines were about?

But that doesn't seem likely. Sliced bread makes the process of making a sandwich somewhat easier. It definitely saves a minute or two there and results in more consistent sandwiches. That's not nothing.

But it's not much either, is it? In 1928, there were already several thousand things better than sliced bread. Powered flight, medicine, and oral sex are the first three that come to mind. And sliced bread wasn't even the greatest thing invented that year. Even the biggest fan of consistent sandwiches would have to admit that penicillin, discovered later that year, was probably a greater and more significant leap forward.

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"Billy, which do you like least, inconsistent sandwiches, or dying of meningitis?
Because if it's the one I think it is, I've got good news."

#4. "Crime Doesn't Pay"

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What It's Supposed To Mean:

If you commit a crime, you're going to get caught, or you're not going to get a good price selling stolen goods, or you'll go mad from the sound of a heart beating under the floorboards. Something like that. "Stop committing crimes, children," essentially.

What It Actually Means:

There's a reason crime has been so consistently popular for the last 10,000 years. Crime has always paid. It pays in the short run and the long run and any other length of run.

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Every one of these people is training to commit crimes.

Granted, this saying could refer to a different kind of analysis, where, sure crime pays, but not in the long run. Yeah, you get your filthy ill-gotten gains, but there's a pretty good chance you're going to get caught, or destroy a friendship, or have to kill a guy on your first day of prison. There are a lot of well-established downsides to crime.

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Horizontal stripes are incredibly unflattering.

But it still pays, doesn't it? Also, isn't that a really terrible way to warn someone away from crime? Why take something that can be a simple, easily understood moral statement -- "Crime is wrong" -- and replace it with an often-incorrect cost-benefit analysis? How many people have heard "Crime doesn't pay," and taken that not as a warning but a challenge?

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No more than one or two, right?

#3. "Live Every Day As If It Was Your Last"

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What It's Supposed To Mean:

We should live for the moment. Do things you want to do instead of things you have to do. Live without regret.

What It Actually Means:

First, this saying is so goddamned vague, it could mean at least a few different things. It could be taken very literally and mean someone is suggesting you should die tonight. Or it could mean you should suffer through the horrific torment that comes with knowing your fate but being powerless to stop it. In which case I imagine this advice would cause you to weep uncontrollably, or curse the gods, or do other things of that nature.

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Beg for sex.

But even if we take this advice at face value and just live for the moment, this is terrible advice that is never useful. If you know you're going to die today, that there would be no tomorrow to suffer the consequences of your actions, there would probably be a lot of reckless things you'd do. BASE jumping, or pit fighting, or eating gas station sushi. Even if you weren't a thrill-seeker, you probably wouldn't go to work. Good chance you'd spend a lot of money. Or slap someone that needed to be slapped.

All of which might be a problem if there actually is a tomorrow.

If you genuinely lived each day like it was your last, you would find that each day would be significantly worse than the previous one. You would soon find yourself unemployed, on the run from debt collectors and people with huge red welts on their faces, all the while dealing with a stomach twisted into just the worst kind of knots from your Texaco nigiri.

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"Should have stuck with the yam rolls."

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