As a 7-year-old girl writing under the guise of an adult man, I like to unwind from a hard day's work with a relaxing flash game. Unfortunately, as Cracked's super awesome C. Coville has pointed out before, the games' creators understand the desires of little girls about as well as a clown whose signature trick is decapitating a pony. Sites such as AgnesGames.com, PlayMary.com, and GirlBell.com sound inviting, but hidden beneath their cutesy exteriors are realms of madness shaped by underpaid foreign programmers with crippling night terrors. Let's play some!
#5. Dora Face Infection
Most of Dora the Explorer's adventures involve nature walks and counting, but whatever she explored on this fateful day went far beyond the ken of mortal man.
"Swiper, no unlocking the Black Gate of Xal'qut'onth!"
"Dora the Explorer is very sad," we're told, "because after the last adventure through the forest is full of wrinkled facial skin, after he fell and rolled in wild nettles." But, wrinkles and gender dysphoria are the least of Dora's problems, as her "wild adventure" appears to have taken her through the Cambodian Killing Fields. "Have fun with Dora," we're mockingly instructed as her dead eyes tell us she will never know fun again.
The first step in the healing process is applying a poultice to Dora's face while a mushroom boner measures your progress. Dora's continued stare into the infinite void, while her upbeat theme song loops, is an unnerving sensory contradiction akin to watching a supermodel strangle puppies to "Don't Worry, Be Happy."
Can you say: "We live on a placid island of ignorance in the
midst of black seas of the infinity?"
Let's zoom in because, if you get close enough, you can pinpoint the exact blow that rent her soul atwain.
"Yes, the needle. Hurry. Hurry!"
My four attempts to heal Dora ended in failure, as this game wasn't programmed so much as a smattering of semicolons and art assets gained self-awareness and regretted it. But, even if we could patch every physical wound, there's no healing the mental scarring. I did, however, find their cause.
Dress Up Games
I hope they've added enough features to justify upgrading from the Dressup Games 7 edition.
I'm showing you the full screen both to minimize the impact of Dora's radiant butt checks and to prove that I found this on a children's site, not the fetish page where I get my Phineas and Ferb erotica. The premise is "Dora is naughty at school recently,she doesn't even prepare for final exam with dedication ,her mother is very angry and decides to give her a lesson,she will spank Dora butt!" It seems hypocritical to punish Dora for her academic failings with grammar that could summon the vengeful spirit of E.B. White, but, regardless, we're told to "Spank the booty as fast as you can." The first step is to select which implement you want a lawyer to later hold up in court.
Dress Up Games
Sure, take your belt off, make it even weirder.
Dora looks disturbingly happy to receive punishment ...
Dress Up Games
Exploring your kinks is important too.
... but tears fall and stock screams emerge with every uncomfortable strike. At one point, I managed to reach 359 miles per hour. That's not a punishment for bad academic performance, that's an attempt to flay Dora's very being from existence. But, no matter the speed, beneath the surface of Dora's cute little world lies a never ending hellscape of corporal punishment and glimpses into the ultimate void of chaos.
#4. Tom Is Cheating On Angela
The perfect tool for teaching your daughter why Mommy is a heartless shrew or why Daddy is sleeping in the car, Tom Is Cheating On Angela introduces adultery to an audience that's still coming to terms with the fact that an obese reindeer herder doesn't bring them tribute every winter. T&A, as I'll obviously be calling them, are an anthropomorphic cat couple going through a rough patch.
And Angela's body proportions are cheating on nature.
Angela is the blushing head stuffed on a sassy mannequin, and she "was very bad with Tom lately, and he wants revenge. Near the house of Tom and Angela, a beautiful kitty has just moved. Angela is red with anger, and she suspects that something is wrong. Use your agility and protect Tom!"
I'm not sure why we're being asked to take sides in what is clearly a toxic relationship, especially with so many unanswered questions. What was this unspecified bad act? An affair? Complaints about Tom's barbed penis? Why does Tom think his neighbor's front yard is the ideal location for a lengthy make-out session? Why do Tom and Angela walk on two feet while this unspecified hussy struts around on all fours? These and many other questions will go tragically unanswered, at least until I write the official strategy guide.
Unfortunately, the More button doesn't move them to second base.
Two cartoon cats making out looks ... wait, is that the same mushroom boner from the Dora game? Holy shit, it is! Sorry, I got sidetracked. Back to the fornicating cats -- there's no animation, they just hold that pose while an endless cavalcade of hearts float into the sky to blind passing pilots. Tom doesn't even blink, although the nameless neighbor bats her eyelashes like the relationship-destroying whore that she is.
Every now and then, an exclamation mark will warn you that Angela is about to appear. Disengage the lip-lock, and she'll find nothing amiss about her husband and their slutty neighbor gazing wistfully into each other's eyes. But, if she spots you touching tongues, she'll put a stop to it with a look that's ... irate? Baffled? Gassy?
Maybe she saw the ad for the Dora game and is futilely trying to process it.
Make out enough, and you'll be rewarded with essentially the same screen, which is either a hard-hitting commentary on the damage caused by infidelity or proof that the developer didn't expect anyone to complete a marathon stealth-pecking session. To further confuse you, there's a timer that has no consequence beyond reminding me of my fleeting mortality and the theme music from Barbie's direct-to-DVD-and-parental-regret Rapunzel. While "Don't look in the tower, it's not where I'll be," is probably inspiring in context, here it only enhances my suspicion that this is based on a nightmare a 6 year old had after she saw Daddy gave her kindergarten teacher a special no-clothes hug because her teacher doesn't yell at him like Mommy does.
Tom and Angela are staples in the "try to distract your daughter for five minutes and accidentally open up a barrel of uncomfortable questions" genre, with the two doing everything from vacationing to bringing a kitten into the world. So, this is either an early hurdle they put behind them or a portrait of a once happy marriage collapsing into shambles. Write your fan fiction accordingly.
#3. Appendix Surgery
It's never too early to teach a child what it's like to hold a life in their hands. Most of these games take a euphemistic view of medicine, as you'll perform surgery with equal parts pixie dust and unicorn love. But, Appendix Surgery puts the pressure on right from the start, motherfuckers!
"I'll just stand here and look beautiful, in case I'm the last thing she ever sees."
Sure, the patient looks more concerned about getting out in time for spin class than staring down her mortality, but that's actually pretty ballsy considering how underdressed for surgery her nurse is. You're an inspiration, woman whose name I've already forgotten. Let's jab you in the stomach.
"It's also a symptom of getting randomly prodded, but we better play it safe."
To confirm the diagnosis, we draw a blood sample by tying a seat belt around her arm and drawing out a very diseased-looking vein.
Hopefully, this hospital also does rehab.
After a trip to the lab and a stop in the equipment room, we enter surgery. You cut through skin, fat, and muscle, while holding everything open with forceps. Though, as far as I know, that's accurate (note: my entire understanding of medicine comes from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman), it's an odd mix of explicit, technical, and cavalier. You'll casually pull apart a muscle with your hands, only to neatly sew it up when you're done. Hack deep enough into her body, and the appendix comes into view.
"Please try not to think about the fact that at least one creep
on the Internet has drawn porn of me."
You snip it off, stitch everything back together, apply gauze to the wound, and get rewarded with this screen and absolutely nothing else.
"Now, get the fuck back to work. Welcome to the real world, you little shit."
You don't even get a thank you from the patient, who probably ran off to eat Greek yogurt at her Pilates class. But, now you can challenge expert mode! The expert patient has a different but equally inappropriate outfit, and the nurse doesn't walk you through the process, preferring to stand idly by as you repeatedly attempt to jam a bandage into the patient's large intestine. Your only ally is what sounds vaguely like a Disney cover of the Rocky theme.
Shouldn't I have an assistant for this? Does this hospital only employ three people?
I managed to avoid the equipment room traps such as the Swingline stapler, giant screw, very small cloud, and black lemon. The reward for a more or less competent surgery was again lacking, but I'm confident I could do this for real now if I wasn't explicit warned not to.
Come on, I don't think it would go that wrong.