Who doesn't love a good fight? A lot of people, actually, especially if they're somehow involved in the chaos. Watching other people fight, though, is almost always fun times. That's especially true when it comes to celebrities. They want us to think they're just like us, but we know they aren't and that makes our desire to watch them tear each other to smithereens nearly insatiable. We talk about a few famous disagreements on this week's Unpopular Opinion podcast ...
... where I'm joined by comic Mo Mandel and Cracked editor Soren Bowie. In particular, we discuss some feuds that managed to span entire careers. Surprisingly enough, that's exactly what I'm talking about in my column here today as well. Who knew?
5Eric Roberts vs. Julia Roberts
Although she's developed somewhat of a reputation over the years for maybe not being the friendliest actress in Hollywood, I have a hard time believing that Julia Roberts is the aggressor in her long-standing feud with her never-not-creepy brother, actor Eric Roberts.
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How in the fuck did Breyers arrive at this decision?
Sources disagree as to how the conflict started. By most accounts, the problems stemmed from Julia taking the side of Eric's ex-girlfriend in a custody dispute over his daughter, the also-more-famous-than-him Emma Roberts.
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And moderately less creepy.
It's easy to see why that might ruffle a sibling's drug-addled feathers. See, that's the thing: For the longest time, Eric Roberts was the kind of addict who violently assaults police and, even worse, his own wife. Blood relation or not, you don't take the side of the walking mess in a dispute over who gets to care for a child. If you fault Julia Roberts for that, you're the asshole, not her.
To hear Eric tell it, though, there was never a feud at all. Instead, it was just a rumor that started because his sister asked reporters to quit mentioning his name around her. Oh! Well, when you put it that way, it still sounds very feud-like to me. It's feud-esque, if nothing else. Essence of feud. I don't know, but it doesn't seem friendly. Maybe it will sound more convincing if we hear it from him in person.
Holy shit. He sounds like an obviously guilty husband trying to convince the police he had nothing to do with the disappearance of his wife. He's also gone on record with this quote:
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He sounds so proud!
So at least he's not bitter. No matter how many jittery denials he made throughout the years, there was a very clear divide between him and his sister. If that wasn't the case, there wouldn't be so many stories about their various reunions. The first was apparently in 2004, when Julia gave birth to twins. He probably wanted to pawn one.
Whatever the reason for the reunion, it obviously didn't hold, because when the siblings' mother died earlier this year, stories about the pair finally patching up their relationship made the rounds once again. There's no way of knowing if it'll keep this time, but history certainly isn't on their side.
4Elton John vs. Madonna
Technically speaking, it's not really possible for the long-running feud between Elton John and Madonna to have spanned his entire career. His first album came out in 1969, when Madonna was all of 11 years old. That said, judging from the vitriol he's been slinging in her direction for the last decade or so, Elton John would've hated the shit out of that Michigan tween had they ever met. The problems seemed to start around 2002, when he referred to her single "Die Another Day" ...
... as "the worst Bond tune ever." Honestly, it's really hard to argue with him on this one. That's a terrible goddamn song. There is no other way to put it.
He fired his next shot in 2004, live on-stage at some British shit called the Q Awards. While accepting an award, he blurted out, "Madonna best fucking live act? Fuck off!" That's pretty harsh, but it got way harsher when he added, "Sorry, I just think that everyone who lip syncs in public on-stage when you paid like 75 quid to see them should be shot."
Shot! He wants Madonna executed in public, you guys! For lip syncing, no less. The streets would run red with the blood of pop starlets and Auto-Tune rappers for eternity if we executed people for that crime. A little over the top, is it not? Sure, that's why he quickly apologized for his comments and sent an olive branch Madge's way in the form of a request to perform at his bachelor party. He then called her a "miserable cow" when she refused.
Resume feud! In a 2011 interview with Rolling Stone, John doubled down on his assertion that people who lip sync should be dealt with by way of good ol' fashioned American gun violence.
In 2012, he piled on even more during an interview on Australian TV where he said her "career is over" and that she looked like a "fairground stripper." When he suggested that the tour she was on at the time was a disaster, he added, "It couldn't happen to a bigger [expletive]."
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Ooh, I wonder what the expletive was?
Given the BTK killer-esque six-year break in action, it makes one wonder what exactly made Elton John reignite his war with Madonna. The answer, interestingly enough, might be Lady Gaga. She's godmother to one of Elton John's kids, and Madonna has been legendarily shitty to her through the years, mostly because she straight-up stole a Madonna song ...
... and released it as her own.
That's not cool, but in Gaga's defense, Madonna has been sued like 15 times for plagiarism, so glass houses, you know? It's no matter though; as of now, all involved parties seem to have agreed to a truce and ceasefire. Expect it to hold for exactly as long as it takes Madonna to win another Golden Globe. Which, realistically, should pretty much mean forever.