#2. Pizza Hut: Ringo Teases Beatles, Gets Stuck With Monkees
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Ringo Starr isn't just the Stephen Baldwin of the Beatles -- he's a connoisseur of terrible pseudo-Italian cuisine! He's also so, so alone.
Like all good ads, we have no idea what's on sale until halfway through. Before then, we're treated to the Little Drummer Boy spewing cockteaser lines that made a young Guy Who Founded Upworthy stand up and take notes:
"I'd do it in a second." Obviously. You've got nothing else going on, aside from your hourly nose-picking sessions.
"The fans will dig it." He's got a point. We embraced Wings; clearly, we'll embrace anything a Beatle touches.
"I just gotta get the other lads to agree."
"Normally, they just abandon me in the studio and get drunk several countries away."
Obviously, anybody with even a single working brain cell would conclude he meant "Beatles reunion," even though the coolest guy in the group was extremely dead by that point. Maybe he figured they could replace John with Julian and nobody would notice. No matter, though, because in an Earth-shattering twist, he didn't mean a Beatles reunion at all! Nope, he simply wanted to teach "the lads" how to eat their pizza stuffed-crust first.
Because if you eat the crust last, the filling changes to insulation foam.
Oh, that wacky scamp! Sadly, this was not a nefarious plot to trick Paul into burning the shit out of his mouth with boiling lava-cheese. In fact, Paul doesn't show up, nor does George. The "lads" that do eat pizza with poor Ringo? The goddamn Monkees.
So after obvious clues that scream "Beatles," they double-knock us in the junk with "bad pizza" and "Beatles for people too timid for 'A Day in the Life.'" Awesome; that's like your kids asking Santa for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and you stuffing New Style Ninja Tortoises in their stockings instead.
Worse still, it isn't like Ringo got us good -- he's as much of a rube as any of us. The poor guy looks incredibly dumbfounded at the big reveal, sheepishly bleating out "wrong lads" while the goddamn Monkees happily munch their pizza like it's the only meal they're guaranteed all week.
Spoiler: It was.
#1. Country Life: Johnny Rotten Wants to Be Buttery
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As some jackass pointed out a ways back, Johnny Rotten was more manufactured than One Direction. In addition, lying about the time of day might be the lamest definition of "anarchy" I've ever heard. But despite all that, he legitimately helped define anti-authoritarian punk for millions of people. The idea of him endorsing ANYTHING is bad enough, but when it's something as mundane as Country Life Butter, you quickly realize that God doesn't need to save the queen after all. She won.
Clad in stuffy, stereotypically British attire, Rotten lists all possible Brit-centric reasons to like Country Life, snottily dismissing them all because he's a rebel, doncha know. You probably just forgot after years of crappy new wave, crappier reality shows, and a fiancee-cidal bassist hogging the spotlight from beyond the grave.
Sir Johnny does not enjoy royal parades ...
And if his childish tiny flag-waving doesn't convince you of that, nothing will.
... nor does he care for whatever this, as it's clearly part of the fascist regime ...
Maybe cross-country child beating?
... and even the U.K. cows can eat a spotted dick.
So why does he even bother with Country Life? Because he likes the taste. That's simple and noble enough, though seeing Johnny goddamn Rotten wearing Ward Cleaver's pajamas while crashing in his kitchen and chomping on toast is enough to make any old punk trade in their safety pins for straight razors.
Bet Green Day don't eat fuckin' butter. They're real punks, man.
The only thing sadder than a Sex Pistol spreading his legs for Big Spread is that it worked. Country Life sales shot up 85 percent after this ad aired, proving there's literally no amount of dough we can blow without claiming we did so ironically. "It's anarchy butter!" Yes, and the proceeds went straight into the pockets of dirty capitalists, one of whom once commanded you to destroy everything.
Via Paul Copeland
Feel free to get pissed now.
Jason is a columnist, freelance editor, layout guy, and personal experience interviewer. Facebook or tweet at him if there's anything you'd like him to shamelessly and hypocritically endorse.
For more from Jason, check out The 6 Most Humiliating Public Failures by Celebrity Psychics and 5 Moments in Fake Professional Wrestling That Got Too Real.