#2. Daniel O'Brien's Brother Is a Goddamn Musical Prodigy
Yep, I'm calling Cracked's own Daniel O'Brien a celebrity. When you bring in viewers by the tens of millions on one of the highest traffic comedy websites in the world, you are a celebrity. Deal with it, Dan. For the rest of you, you know him from ... well, here. Agents of Cracked, his column, After Hours. You can find his big ol' head flopping around all over the Internet, saying comedy words at people and then rubbing his phat check in the faces of his disgusted bank tellers. Without Dan's writing, acting, and editorial input, I dare say this would not be the same website. It would probably just be a bunch of drunk guys farting into a webcam and then laughing until they vomited Jagerbombs.
The Talented Sibling:
Thomas O'Brien is Dan's older brother, and let me get this out of the way right off the bat: If he wasn't worth talking about, I wouldn't talk about him. Neither Dan nor I owe each other any favors, and even if I did, I wouldn't pay it back like this. It would be paid in whores and rides to the free clinic. Tom is truly, genuinely a musical genius. Here, see for yourself -- I'll ease you into it:
That is from a series he calls "One Take Thursday." The "one take" part of that is exactly how it sounds. He sits down at his keyboard and busts out a piece in one take ... from fucking memory. No practicing, no sheet music. Just him and a keyboard or a piano, having fun. Now, let me ramp it up a notch by showing you this:
That's Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek," and even if you've never heard the original song, it is still amazing. He gives his music the same amount of emotion and enthusiasm that his parents did with their shame and resentment of Dan. It's a goddamn crime that he isn't doing this for a living right now. He's taught high school music, but through his own admission, there just isn't a lot of money in being able to play the piano. Not until you get up into the "playing concert halls" or "writing movie themes" rung of the ladder -- which he's already started by creating the opening theme to the aforementioned Agents of Cracked.
Surely there's someone out there in the industry who's reading this that can hook this man up. The thought of him going his whole life without utilizing that talent on a grander stage than YouTube makes me so angry, I could just grab Dan by the ear and elbow his temple over and over and over and over again. Just elbowing him so hard that he starts crying and trying to get away, but I'm all like, "You ain't goin' nowhere, funny man! You get back here and take your medicine! Your elbow medicine!"
Oh, and if you still need convincing, watch how ridiculously fast his fingers are in this piece:
#1. Art Garfunkel's Brother Shapes the Entire Computer Industry
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Art Garfunkel is the "white guy 'fro"-sporting half of the legendary folk duo Simon and Garfunkel. They entered the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1990, causing Art's giant 'fro to fluff with excitement. On top of its historic musical career, his enormous, monstrous 'fro is also an accomplished actor and poet.
The Talented Sibling:
Remember that whole Y2K crisis that had everyone panicking in the year two thous- ohhhhh, that's what that means. Sorry, sometimes I'm a little slow picking up on acronyms. Anyway, when all that dumb bullshit went down, Jerome Garfunkel was one of the big dogs they went to for a solution. Why? Because it was mainly a problem in the COBOL programming language (heavily used in older business and financial software), and he happened to be a lifelong developer of it.
In fact, the guy knows the ins and outs of just about every nerdy language you can think of, and has been a major player in the software engineering community since software became a thing. Without him, the porn box that you're reading with your face-eyes right now would look and operate very differently. Because even when he's not doing hands-on work, he teaches scores of other programmers and software engineers what they need to know in order to make dicks and titties flop around on the screen without making your processor catch on fire.
Gaze upon its majesty and beauty.
On top of that, his own gigantic, heaving 'fro was the senior technical adviser to the U.S. Department of Commerce and the U.S. Department of the Interior. So when something technical fucks up on a grand scale, he's like the planet's IT guy. Except instead of just telling you to stop going to horse-fuck sites, he can rewrite your OS to prevent you from ever going there in the first place.
Also, he had a gargantuan 'fro.