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5 Boob-Related Products You Won't Believe Exist

#2. Solar Bra

Junko Kimura/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Solar bra. Solar. Bra. It sounds like an environmentally friendly update of some horrifying fictional 1950s underwear technology (fossil fuel jockstrap? nuclear panties?) dreamed up by a vegan sci-fi writer who subsists solely on soy latte and scathing critique of all books that have the word "meat" in them.

Look, solar power absolutely is a fine and worthy thing with tons and tons of potential. It has sparked many a heated discussion and loads of inspired, potentially world-saving plans. However, there are some things current solar panel technology just flat out can't do, such as:

- Your taxes

- Make a proper quiche

- Single-handedly solve the global energy crisis in a cost-efficient fashion

- Get into anti-environmentalists' good graces

- Boobs

Lingerie company Triumph International Japan Ltd. chose to ignore one of these facts in 2008. As a result, they introduced the Solar Power Bra to the unwary world. Technically, the contraption is less "bra" and more "creepy bustier constructed from funky motel towels and weird Mad Max ab armor," but we'll let it slide -- if I had to market this thing somehow, I'd probably go with the former name, too.

Junko Kimura/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Comfy!

The catch of the Solar Bra is that you can use the power it generates to "handily" charge your phone, which entirely ignores the fact that there are precious few places in the world where a lady can comfortably turn herself into a sun-charged lingerie power plant. Really, the only place this thing could safely (though not sanely) be worn in public is the beach.

Oh, the solar panels are extremely vulnerable to moisture, and even slight rain can straight up damage them? Never mind. Still, at least the model who had to parade around wearing this thing can use it to charge her phone for the inevitable heated discussions with her agent.

Junko Kimura/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"You're so fucking fired, Steve."

Introduced as part of their "green" product line, it's hard to say how serious Triumph was with this thing. I mean, it's pretty obviously meant to be a wacky concept, but something about how their representative took the "It's, uh, just a model. Yeah, a concept model, a bit of a joke on our end, ha ha, wouldn't put anything like this on the shelves in a million years" route the second someone lifted an eyebrow does suggest this may have been the pet project of some misinformed higher-up (who presumably spent the rest of the week impotently punching boardroom walls when the public didn't go apeshit over his grand vision), with less-deranged minds within the company tactically undermining the idea.

#1. Inflatable Implants

Via Trendhunter

Despite their popularity and prevalence, breast implants have a mixed reputation. Most guys seem to insist they prefer natural breasts, yet the rampant big boob fantasies our culture constantly churns on our faces argue otherwise. Implants and augmentation are seen as senseless vanity surgery, yet they also serve an important function fixing actual ailment-induced damage and very real disfigurement, as well as providing a huge self-esteem boost for people with body image issues. Shit be complicated, is what I'm saying.

Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
If only there was a way to draw attention to this complex issue.

As such, if you came into this entry thinking I'd be riffing on the concept of breast implants, well, I have no intention of doing that. As far as I'm concerned, everyone can do whatever the hell they want with their bodies. However, I am saying that any plastic surgery operation -- including breast augmentation -- is something that should be carefully considered over time, so that you're 100 percent certain of the possibly drastic bodily change you're about to experience. Boobs are not shoes; no one should get themselves a fancy pair and change them a week later because you'd like a more impressive pair.

Then again, the people who came up with inflatable breast implants clearly disagree with me.


In the above video, a plastic surgeon made entirely out of hair explains how the SPECTRUM adjustable breast implant works: Once the implant is inserted, the doctors can freely adjust its size for a full six months post-surgery. This is possible because the boobs have valves that enable your doctor to fill 'em up with more saline (or deplete them from excess filling, which is something I suspect happens precisely fucking never).

I'm actually not against this product, per se. I'm sure it has saved at least one indecisive soul from the surgery table. I'm more worried about what it says about where we as a culture are heading, chest wise: When someone comes up with a way to literally change your cup size within minutes like they were pumping air in a beach ball, all bets are off. We're officially not a culture obsessed with boobs anymore. Culture's over, people, boobs have won. We've given them the ability to change size at will, which means they're maybe two steps away from detaching themselves from their hosts and taking over. Thanks to the hairy surgeon dude and his adjustable breast implant, we're standing on the brink of Boobocalypse.

Or, you know, maybe I'm just talking out of my ass. Maybe this is the best invention in the history of boobs. Hell, maybe they'll one day figure out how to fill these super-implants with different substances, granting their owner different boob-based superpowers whenever she so desires.

matthewennisphotography/iStock/Getty Images
If that's how it's going to be, fuck it -- I'm getting a boob job.


Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Follow him on Twitter.

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