Cracked Columnists

5 Bizarre Pitfalls of Owning a Classic Car

Destroying Small Asian Things

When you own a classic car, skinny white teenagers in little Japanese numbers will constantly be challenging you to race. A boy with a quarter of a mustache will invariably pull up to you and rev his engine a few times, soliciting a nasally whine that must sound way more intimidating inside the cabin, otherwise why would he do that? He will have a friend sitting next to him that really wants to look Hispanic, but is failing terribly at it. The friend will goad Quarter-stache on, and they will grow more and more insistent until, whether you like it or not, you are now involved in a drag race with somebody still chewing on the tail end of puberty.

"No, Billy, you jerk the wheel -- like this -- just as he's coming up at the guard rail. God, you'll never pass that driver's test."

When I said "destroying small Asian things" up there, I didn't mean "figuratively destroying his car in the ensuing race." I'll leave that debate up to people who give a shit. No, I meant that Quarter-stache and Pseudo-Jose over there are going to put that pedal down regardless of your actions, and they will be stunned, absolutely floored, if you don't race them back. This sight will be so flabbergasting to them -- a male who isn't leaping at the chance to prove he has a penis via the liberal application of gasoline -- that they will almost certainly total their $15,000 automobile ($5,000 for the car, $10,000 in ground effect kits) against a tree while gaping at you. And whether you're at fault or not, that's still a guilt you're gonna have to live with, brother. Pseudo-Jose was going to be a doctor, you know. But not now, not with those claws he calls hands.

The Illicit Affairs

If you think this is finally the entry about all that pussy that's going to come flying through your window as you cruise downtown in your sexy vintage hot rod, prepare for ... well, you're probably already well-prepared for disappointment if you're harboring delusions like that. Unless a woman is really into cars herself, she's not gonna give one apathetic, faked orgasm that you scraped together a few grand and bought yourself a Dart. Plus, why would you even want that? Pussy flying in your window is incredibly distracting. That's just an accident waiting to happen. No, this entry is about the illicit affair you're going to be having with your own car. If you thought you were just buying a neat toy, or a solid method of conveyance, then you are wholly unprepared for the odd, inappropriate, and shameful relationship you're about to participate in.

No matter how big a piece of shit that car might be, some strange alchemy worked into the metal will eventually cause you to treat it like a lover: You'll talk softly to it as you work, inadvertently catch yourself calling it a "she," stroke it secretly as you walk by, and steal fleeting but passionate glances over your shoulder every time you pass it. And, like all torrid affairs, this will probably end badly. All those gasket failures start feeling like personal betrayals; the pressing guilt every time you use your other car (how could you callously mount that Korean slut right in front of her?) will wear on you; and the exponentially worsening gas bills will pile up, all eventually culminating in a bitter and tearful goodbye. You always end up selling the first one, no matter how much you might hate to do it. And forever afterward, every time you see her model pass by on the road, you'll turn your head to watch her go, and wonder who she's with now, and if he's good to her, or if it's some unappreciative mook that's slathering his filthy paws all over her heads and OH GOD LOOK OUT!

He died as he lived: Proving something to somebody (he was never quite sure what).

You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter and Facebook or you can do like he did and buy your own Fury -- you can fit four bodies in that trunk! Four, with no chopping!

To see how you'll be modifying your automobile in the future, check out 6 Obnoxious Innovations That Will Be in Your Car (Soon). And be sure to get some more Brockway in 7 Real Car Chases Way Crazier Than Anything in the Movies.

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Robert Brockway

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