Cracked Columnists

5 Beloved Restaurants That Are Seriously Overrated

#2. DiGiorno Frozen Pizza

Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Listen, I know DiGiorno isn't a restaurant, but they sure fucking act like they are, right? Remember that "Is it delivery or is it DiGiorno?" campaign from a few years back? That takes a lot of fucking audacity. If you've ever been fooled into believing a DiGiorno pizza had been delivered from a respectable restaurant, you deserve to lose whatever else the swindler who conned you decides to take.

What makes their claims of restaurant quality even more troublesome is the fact that there are at least 15 different varieties of frozen pizza that kick DiGiorno ass six ways to Sunday. It's not the best. It's barely even good. Nevertheless, advertising is an effective tool, and now scores of uneducated shoppers think DiGiorno is the closest you can come to delivery pizza without picking up the phone.

Pizzahut.com
Wait until they figure out you don't even have to do that.

Think about that claim for a second, though. Pizza is like a new car: Once it leaves the lot, it immediately loses like one-third of its value. The lag time between your pizza leaving the oven and the driver arriving at your door means that pizza is going to be exponentially less enjoyable than if you'd just eaten it right there at the restaurant as soon as they pulled it out of the oven.

Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
So it is like delivery, it just shouldn't be.

What DiGiorno is unintentionally saying is that you can get that same drop in quality, right out of the oven. How is this a good thing? If you want to sell me on the merits of your frozen pizza, tell me it's like eating pizza at a restaurant. Implying that your food tastes like it's spent 45 minutes in the back seat of a Toyota Camry driven by the biggest Dave Matthews Band fan of all time is not a selling point.

#1. Krispy Kreme

Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Doughnuts are hard to do wrong, but Krispy Kreme comes the closest, in my opinion. It's the glaze. That's the problem. For one thing, it's the glaze they use to get people in the door. Have you ever been standing in line at a Krispy Kreme when they bring out the hot glazed doughnuts? It is a scene not unlike a mid-'80s era Kmart employee emerging from the back room with the last Cabbage Patch doll in the joint on Black Friday. That person is mobbed. People are going to take what they have. It is an unavoidable force of nature.

Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images
The red light district for diabetes.

This, of course, is because those hot glazed doughnuts are insanely delicious. They melt when you eat them. I wouldn't be surprised if you could drink one if you pulled it out of the oven and got it down your gullet fast enough. It's those particular doughnuts that Krispy Kreme built their reputation on, but there's way more to a quality doughnut experience than glaze. Regular glazed doughnuts are the vanilla ice cream of doughnuts. You need something to accompany that shit. Krispy Kreme, unfortunately, addresses this concern by putting that stupid glaze on everything. For all intents and purposes, every Krispy Kreme doughnut is a glazed doughnut. Blueberry cake? Glaze it! Maple bar? Throw some glaze on that bitch! Large coffee? Leave room for glaze!

Stephen Chernin/Getty Images News/Getty Images
It works on everything!

That's not how doughnuts are supposed to work. Glazed doughnuts are not a practical treat, and practicality is half the charm of eating doughnuts. You can eat them on the go like no other breakfast food. They come with a built-in handle, for the love of God. Krispy Kreme ruins this. The glaze that they insist on coating all of their food in sheds like glitter at a strip club.

Ethan Miller/Getty Images News/Getty Images
I've been looking for an excuse to use this picture forever.

Eat a Krispy Kreme doughnut on the run and you'll be pulling flakes of doughnut glaze out of your leg hairs for the next six weeks.

I get the inclination to double down when you've hit on a good thing (like how KFC brought back the Double Down chicken sandwich recently), but Krispy Kreme takes that shit too far. In my utopia, Dunkin Donuts would replace them all.


Want more? Read a sixth entry about Chipotle at Adam's own website. You should also follow Adam on Twitter. After that, check out his podcast on Stitcher, iTunes and Soundcloud. Then, ideally, that should inspire you to come see him tell jokes in person sometime at Westside Comedy Theater in Santa Monica. That's all.

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