5 Baffling Uses of Sex Toys That Prove Humanity Is Doomed

#2. The Vibrator Robber

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I'm not a robber, so for me to speak to this with any degree of authority is maybe not entirely sincere. I don't routinely hold up trains or monocled gentlemen as they depart the theater whilst twirling my mustaches and then fleeing to my hilltop lair, where I can count out my Krugerrands and pay peasant folks to disrobe to my Victrola music while I laugh in a mirthless fashion at their discomfort. Not routinely.

Still, my knowledge of robbery is extensive enough to know that, generally, one wields a threatening weapon and demands valuables at the threat of bodily harm. However, in this case, a man used a vibrator to rob a bookie, which seems like it's several kinds of mistake all at once.

For what it's worth, the vibrator was concealed in a bag and he was pretending he had a gun, but if that's your plan of action, you could just as easily have a fork in that bag, or a shower head, or the TV remote. Why he chose a vibrator we may never know, but the paper says it was a Rampant Rabbit vibrator, which, for those not all up to date on battery-powered schlong designs, looks a lot like an electric toothbrush with a penis head and a tiny, rubber rabbit suffering from osteoporosis attached to the side about two-thirds of the way down the shaft, all doubled over and sad looking. It's not particularly gun-like.

The robber got away with more than $1,000 but was caught not too long afterward, since a customer at the bookie's just watched him run away and told police where he and his vibrator went. So justice was served and all that, and, still, after all that, no one thought to ask him why he was using a battery-powered jiggle stick in place of literally anything else.

#1. Massive Blood Loss Sally

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This is the story of how sometimes a fun experience, like playing marbles or enjoying a nice piece of cheese, or spelunking a loved one's nether chasms with a vibrator, can turn into something absolutely horrifying. So your marble rolls into a mud puddle, your cheese has mold on it, or the vibrator curiously transforms itself into a voracious, carnivorous, Saw-inspired tool of blood-craving insanity that only operates within the confines of a vagina. A vagina!

So one afternoon (it could have been evening but I like to think this was a nooner--it feels right), April Bonjour and her boyfriend were going to have some sexings. Was her boyfriend inadequate? A limp noodle? Tired from eating all that cheese? Who knows. They chose to use a toy to enhance their fun, however. And it did not work. Instead, Bonjour was all "Hello!" when she felt a sharp pain in her lady domain. Her boyfriend removed the offending toy and what followed was like that scene in The Shining when Wendy watches the elevator open and gush a veritable river of blood out into the hallway. Did you know that if you watch that scene closely you can sort of almost see a body in all that blood falling out of the elevator? But wasn't the set a miniature set, and, if so, is that a miniature body? Think about that for later, it's totally irrelevant. Although since we're here just now, try to imagine if Jack Nicholson and Shelly Duvall really had a kid. Wouldn't it look like Steve Buscemi? Moreso than the kid they cast in the movie, anyway? Just a thought. Ponder it.

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What was the deal with that guy dressed like a dog, anyway?

What is relevant is that Bonjour freaked right the fuck out, as you may expect you would do when you insert tab A into slot B expecting orgasm C and instead end up with blood clots D, E, and F, plus blood geyser G. That's a whole alphabet of "oh shit."

Bonjour briefly thought maybe she had just started her period so she decided to strap on a pad and wait Aunt Flo out. By the time she'd gone through every pad in the house and was bleeding even more heavily she decided it was time to hit up a hospital. Ladies, let this be a lesson to you: If you quite unexpectedly have about 10 periods in a row, in one afternoon, just go to the hospital.

At the hospital Bonjour required blood transfusions, and, as you might expect, she sued the company that made the vibrator because sexual blood bath is rarely anyone's desired outcome from using a sex toy. Alas, my search for an outcome in that case proved fruitless, but I like to think she was awarded half damages with a jury deciding she and her boyfriend were partly to blame, maybe as a result of him falcon punching it into her snatch or whatever. I don't know. How the hell does a vibrator do that to you, anyway?

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Felix Clay

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