Cracked Columnists

5 Badass Photos of People Walking Through Insane Situations

#2. Who Said Armageddon Couldn't Be Fabulous?

Daily Mail
Image thanks to Auroratudor

That's Father Void, in a rare snapshot capturing him emerging from his volcanic lair in the Ashmaw for a jaunty Sunday stroll. When this reporter asked for comment about his role in the Great Reaping last week, Father Void had this to say: "eeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE." He went on to clarify this statement by removing his sunglasses and letting three damned souls escape from the place where his eyes should be. They hound this reporter's slumber to this very day, whispering all of the awful things his loved ones really think about him. This reporter would just like to go on record as saying: The torment of truth truly is the worst torture. And at the risk of editorializing, All Shall Embrace the Void.

That's actually Karl Lagerfeld, a designer for Chanel, and what he's walking through, despite appearances, is not the smoldering ruins of all who opposed him in life. That's just the catwalk of a 2011 fashion show at Paris Fashion Week. I know it's disappointing that he's just a puny designer and not the iron-fisted ruler of a nuclear border town. But if it's any consolation, he's totally bugfuck crazy and sure talks like a bond villain. When asked about the middle class, he once replied, "The middle has not enough class that I think about the middle class." When asked about supermodels presenting an unhealthy body image, he answered, "There are nearly 30 percent of young people who are too fat. So let's take care of the zillions of the too fat before we talk about the percentage that's left."

"Let's take care of the too fat."

"The percentage that's left."

I'm pretty sure he's saying he's going to purge the chubby from the face of the Earth. And since his idea of haute couture is "crazy evil volcano preacher," I would take him seriously.

#1. Just Playin' a Little Ball

NBC News
Image thanks to NChammer

The Libyan rebels were like a real-life A-Team: They were spunky, underfunded and innovative, and they had justice on their side.

But unlike the A-Team, it wasn't all driving at somebody until they dove out of the way and trapping corrupt mining officials in nets. There was a lot of death, and a lot of destruction. But perhaps the greatest tragedy of all is that, despite all of their research and years of careful study, the Libyans never could find a good way to give a solid fuck.

Look at that guy! He went to war in an Ikea bed sheet and slippers. He's carrying one small box of loot and two assault rifles. That building that he's casually kicking a soccer ball away from, as it bursts into the most epic inferno I have ever seen -- those are the ruins of Gadhafi's compound. Soccer Warrior just overthrew the government of an entire country and destroyed the power base of a corrupt dictator -- "just" as in "just now," flames still raging -- and he's not even pausing to celebrate. He's merely shuffling on home, idly kicking a soccer ball to keep entertained along the way, because the flaming climax of a bloody revolution bores him.

Hey, you know what they say: "It's not the journey; it's the destination."

Or in this case: "It's not the flaming ruins; it's that you lit the fire."

Buy Robert's stunning, transcendental, orgasmic science fiction novel, Rx: A Tale of Electronegativity, right here. Or buy Robert's other (pretty OK) book, Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead. Follow him on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook.

Check out more from Brockway in The 5 Most Badass Man vs. Nature Showdowns Ever Photographed and The 8 Most Ridiculously Badass Protesters Ever Photographed.

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Robert Brockway

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