5 Awesome Things No One Is Cool Enough to Own (Part 2)

#2. Straight Razors

In terms of becoming a man, shaving is up there with helping a stranded extra-terrestrial call home or discovering a dead body in the woods. (Hi, I'm from the '80s, how are you?) I learned to shave with an old-fashioned razor that had blades you swapped out. And after the first few times of bleeding and crying, I bought disposable blades like every other good American who hates the environment. I mean, look, if I'm gonna cut myself shaving, the least I can do is take the planet down with me, right?

But some men are not content with the level of manliness that comes from running a couple of blades embedded in plastic across their face. And they're not interested in electric razors that at best look like they're made for a woman's legs or at worst look like some sort of marital aid. No, these men understand that shaving, like bare-knuckle boxing, is a rite of passage that demands blood. Enter the straight razor:

Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net
Tell the truth. Are you thinking about shaving or violent murder?

Straight razors, sharpened on a strap of leather, hold the promise of so much more than the death of stubble. They imply entry into a level of masculinity reserved for John Wayne or Vito Corleone. And with them comes the eternal promise that if you needed to, during your dull morning ablutions on your way to your office cubicle, you could slit a man's throat. The problem with a straight razor, however, is that the throat will most likely be your own.

If you have the time and skill and patience to use your straight razor, then hey, great, I'm sure you really will get a sensational shave. Then again, you could also spend all day mowing your lawn with a pair of golden scissors. What are you trying to prove?

Who Can Get Away With It?

1920s gangsters and ... nope, that's just about it.

#1. A Butterfly Knife

Y'know what's cool? Murdering people, like specifically stabbing them to death. Well, I mean, I guess that's actually awful and not cool at all, but what if I told you that before you stabbed the person you could make your knife do cool tricks? Behold, the butterfly knife, named after the 18th century winged badass who invented it: Nigel T. Butterfly.

Baerbel Schmidt/Photodisc/Getty 
Here, Nigel considers chewing a young girl's toes off before stabbing her.

See, the neat thing about butterfly knives is that they have two metal casings that cover the blade (just like real butterflies) so that you can put it in your pocket without bleeding to death. Then those casings pull back and become the knife's handle. And the best part is you can make the knife do tricks and spin around and stuff. It's like a yo-yo that you can use for murder.

And that's kind of the point of why you really can't own one, because why the hell do you need a knife that you can carry covertly and brandish with a flourish? Oh, right. To make cool videos.

Did you see the coolness? Did this gentleman have the requisite cool-osity to make the magic happen with his sharp swirly violence? Of course not. But don't tool on him too much. Virtually no one does.

Who Can Get Away With It?

A straight up psychopath who uses it for murder, but also has a whimsical flair for the dramatic.


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