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5 Artifacts That Will Shatter Your Image of the Middle Ages

#2. The First Little Ponies

DeAgostini/Getty

On the other end of the illustration spectrum is the Capodilista Codex, a series of illustrations commissioned by 15th century Italian ambassador Giovan Capodilista. At first glance, everything about the pictures is what you'd expect from Renaissance art. There are knights and ladies on horses and -- hold up. There's something weird about those horses.

DeAgostini/Getty

I can't quite put my finger on it.

DeAgostini/Getty

Oh, now I see it. The horses want to do me.

DeAgostini/Getty
"There's nothing little about this pony ... ladies."

Regardless of who is riding the horse or whatever important words are printed in the air behind it, each and every pony looks like it wants to have sex, like, right now. Some of them are looking at the viewer, and some of them are looking back at the rider. No matter where they're looking, they've got heavy-lidded, lusty gazes. This one has a tractor beam on his male rider's lopsided boob plates.

DeAgostini/Getty
"You should see his codpiece."

And it's smiling -- IT'S SMILING. Horse after horse features a coquettish little nodded head and what I can only assume is mascara. The cumulative effect is that there's a whole army of horses with bedroom eyes.

DeAgostini/Getty
"My mind's telling me neighhhh ..."
"But my body, my body's telling me yeeeeesss!"

There are only two possible explanations for these sex-hungry colts. One is that the anonymous artist was the first brony. Two, and most likely, the horses really did look like that because they were all possessed by someone from the future -- someone known for her sexy, heavily medicated gaze.


Seventy-five percent of you are going to have really weird dreams tonight.

#1. Flying Penis Badges

lorifactor.com

Think of the most religious person you know. Someone so devout that he'd make an international trip as a show of his faith. Someone who wears his spirituality on his sleeve. Now think of that person wearing this instead:

timelineauctions.com
What is the sound of one dick flapping?

I know what you're thinking: That's a flying erect phallus with legs. And you're right. What you may have not guessed was that this wasn't just any flying erect phallus with legs; this one was intended for devout Christians going on a pilgrimage. They wore it as a token of their God-driven journey. ON PURPOSE. And we're not looking at the one and only winged penis ever made in the history of mankind -- there were lots of them. So many, in fact, that if you look hard enough, you can probably buy an authentic dingy badge of your own. Here's one from the British Museum:

britishmuseum.org

This penis doesn't just have butt-wings and legs, it's also got a woman pushing a wheelbarrow on top of it. And, if you look closely, you see that it's a wheelbarrow filled with penis. The strange part, besides the part about attaching wings to a penis, is that medieval people weren't even the first to do it. The Romans were way ahead of them in the soaring ding-a-ling department. But it took Dutch Christian pilgrims to say, "Hey! That perfectly represents my faith and the things I will do for it! Pin it on me!"

This one is wearing pants and a crown.

medieval-market.com
And not just any pants. Hammer pants.

It goes by "King Flying Penis, Who Wears Chicken Legs for Pants and May or May Not Be Pooping a Snake Right Now as He's Walking. The First." So the next time you get a little worked up over whatever offensive nonsense you see the kids wearing nowadays, just remember that 15th century Christians once wore bird boners with pride. And then remind the Christians you know, because they LOVE trivia.



Kristi loves trivia and Christians, but not bird boners. You can find her on Twitter and Tumblr.

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